10. LANDO NORRIS - Part II

“If I go with him and not Oscar, it's over between us. But Carlos organized this whole thing. What do I say to him? I'm not going with you because it's a great idea, but I want to go with my Osc? Of course I have to accept. But I won't ruin everything with my Osc. No way. I know I'm about to commit real suicide, but I see no alternative. If I want to have a chance with my Osc, this is the only thing I can do.”
With this dramatic thought, Lando nodded enthusiastically at the idea of spending four days in Langkawi rather than KL between Baku and Sepang, but with him and his yes, he literally dragged everyone who was nearby, some well-aimed and some totally random. 
The random ones were Ollie and Gabi, the well-aimed ones were George and Alex. 
And, obviously, his Osc; who, before realizing what was happening, had found himself chasing his own suitcase, which ended up in Lando’s hands, intent on forcing him to come with them. 
Lando knew that seeing Carlos in the Langkawi holiday group, Oscar would run away, preferring instead to walk to Malaysia. 
The second very carefully considered decision, was not inviting Max and Charles, who, in any case, had already organized a sweet, short honeymoon for Maxie's birthday. Or 'My Max,' as Charles called him, which others called 'His Max.' Lando had stolen the idea from him and now called Oscar 'My Osc.' 
For a few months, Lando had been thinking much less about Charles, so much so that he no longer knew whether he had feelings for him or not. Sure, the affection and fondness would always be there, but his days were filled with considerations and plans on how to convince his Osc to be serious about him, to try to get together, to compromise and consider his feelings. 
Thinking about Charles, he inevitably remembered the conversation he had with him in July right at the Hungarian GP, which had triggered confused emotions and half-suspended decisions in Lando. Decisions that now, perhaps, it was time to put in action.
'If you're in love with him, you'll naturally want to be only with him. Now you don't because you think he doesn't reciprocate and you have to console yourself with others... I think you should try.'
'If I'm wrong and it goes badly, I'll make him suffer, and that's not something I want. I couldn’t care less about anyone else, but not him. Not right Osc, you know?'
'Yes, of course I understand. That's precisely why you should try.' 
The indecision in question, which he hadn't been able to fully share with Charles, was driven precisely by the secret feelings he had for his friend; feelings he still had at the time, though not as strong as they once were. The idea of making a move on Osc and forcing him to be together, only to then realize he still loved Charles, had held him back. Until now, about three months later, when he'd begun to realize that perhaps he no longer felt the same way for his handsome prince as he once did. 
His former great love had given him a good piece of advice: if you were with someone and really tried, things would come naturally. Just like the desire to devote himself solely to Oscar and stop fucking others. He wasn't 100% sure, but he gave him the benefit of the doubt; he could be right, it could work that way. But it was still a risk to try and throw himself into it like that without the certainty of succeeding, of truly being a normal boyfriend who didn't need to be distracted by others. 
The hardest thing at that moment was convincing that stubborn guy—his OSC—that he was worthy, that he loved him, and that he wanted to try and take the risk. 
But how could he blame him if, while he was trying to figure out how to do it, he was fucking with others, prey to a frustration he couldn't bear? 
That summer he'd still gone with Carlos—although only once, much less often than he usually did, but Carlos himself had been the one who'd sought him out less, and Lando hadn't had that enormous need to make the first move—and during the August vacation with his friends, he'd even used a few other casual guys. It was all due to the anticipatory anguish he felt over his Osc's probable future rejection; a rejection he was certain of. That belief held him back, preventing him from doing useful and sensible things to achieve his goals. 
In other words he was in a stalemate from which he didn't know how to get out, but that didn't stop him from hoping and trying. Even if his attempts often only made an already very complicated situation worse. 
"So, who are you with, then?” Alex's curious voice roused him from his feigned torpor. 
Seeing Oscar and Carlos together—fortunately not alone—had made him feel confused, and, using the excuse of a headache, he'd briefly secluded himself in a seat at the back of the jet they'd chartered together for the flight to Malaysia. 
Lando opened his eyes and saw his friend sit next to him handing him some cold water from the refrigerator the airline had provided.
Lando raised an eyebrow and Alex brightened him. 
- Carlos or Oscar? Because sometimes it seems like you're with one, sometimes the other. But now you've come here with both of them and I'm confused!
- Are you confused? Just think about me! - Lando replied frankly and poutingly. His peaked cap pulled low over his face to hide as much as possible, he slumped down in his seat, his arms folded in a typical childish pose. 
The truth was that on that flight that took them from one state to another, Lando was hoping to clear his head and figure out what to do, but of course he wasn't having any success. 
"They'll both expect me to be with them, but we certainly can't all three be together. I have to make a choice, and I know exactly what I want, but I also don't want to ruin things with Carlos. Regardless, I want us to remain good friends. He's touchy and self-centered. Telling him I don't want to fuck him anymore, even if he's the one who put a stop between us a few years ago, isn't something to be taken lightly."
Alex get comfortable, continuing to raise his eyebrows curiously, urging him to elaborate. So Lando tried to explain, thinking that maybe clearing things up out loud would help. 
- It’s a difficult situation. - he said, speaking softly so as not to be heard by the others who were playing chess together further away. - Oscar and I have been fucking for a while, obviously, and I'm falling in love. - he lied shamelessly, avoiding saying that he loved him, which he was more than certain of by now. - But he thinks he’s incapable of feeling emotions and fears he can't reciprocate. Even though I sense his love and things are going great between us, it's like he's putting the brakes on. - 
Lando finally realized he needed to open up and once he started, he couldn't stop. As he summed up the chaos he was experiencing, a lump rose in his throat and he stopped. Alex intervened calmly, trying to understand. 
- But you're going with Carlos and others, right? - 
Lando sighed and nodded knowingly and guiltily. He knew that was the mistake, but he also knew he couldn't help it. Like the addict who knows drugs are bad, but who takes them anyway, feeling guilty and ashamed before and after, but not during.  
- Of course I have to distract myself from the drama of being in love with someone who doesn't want to take the plunge with me!
Even though he sometimes thought about trying and taking a risk, in the end he never managed to take that leap. He always hoped Oscar would make up his mind and admit he had feelings, that he wanted more and come forward. 
- But how does he know that there's that option between you two? If you don't stop going with whoever and make him understand that you're worth it, that you're willing to commit, and that you love him, why should he consider this thing between you and take that leap? Give him the option, right?
Lando looked at Alex in amazement, who was offering him a slightly different perspective. 
Maybe he was right. Maybe he should give him the option. Let him know he was serious, that he could commit, that he really wanted to try. 
Put him in a position to consider it. As he thought about it, he slid the gaze over his Oscar's light brown hair, watching the chess game underway between Carlos and George. 
- I should first break up with Carlos without ruining things between us, and then convince Oscar that I'm really serious with him. That it's not just words. He'll want to see action. It'll take a while to convince him; he's stubborn and fixated on certain things. When he does that, you can't budge him easily.  
Alex shrugged looking thoughtfully out the round window past Lando, sipping his water. 
- If you never start, it'll never happen. - he said simply. 
- But it could be a failure. He could be right, not capable of love… and I could do one of my usual stupid things, like not being able to keep it in my pants when I'm stressed or drinking around without him. He never comes to drink with me because he doesn't like it, but I do and that's when I do stupid things! I'm good at this, you know! - the anxiety returned to assail him at the idea of coming out, and manifested itself in the form of a rapid whirlwind of words that Alex himself struggled to fully understand. 
It wasn't as simple as it seemed. His heart began to pound again in his throat, and he nearly broke the bottle in his hands. 
- Oscar who doesn't love you? Don't you see the way he looks at you, the way he acts around you, how he melts? You make him do anything. Did he want to come here?
Lando shook his head in terror, his eyes wide. 
- But he came. I don't think he gets along very well with Carlos. Besides, they share you… - Alex was brotherly and sweet, but he still couldn't hold his tongue. 
Lando's mouth twisted bitterly, unsure whether to feel relieved or more agitated at Alex's thinly veiled question. He couldn't share a room with both of them; he clearly wanted to be with Oscar, but he didn't want to ruin things with Carlos. And they hadn't gotten along for a few months. 
"Just another mess I've made without even meaning to!" he thought, both ironic and tragic. Then he decided to focus on the rest of what his friend, still staring at him expectantly, had said.  
- So you think it's obvious he loves me? - he asked hopefully. He liked that part. 
If he'd been sure of that, everything would have been simpler. He'd have found the strength to talk to Carlos and take any step, even solemnly deciding to commit to only one person at a time. 
For an Oscar who declared himself in love, he could do that. 
- Maybe he didn't realize it, or he doesn't want to admit it, or he's afraid it's something else, or maybe he thinks you don't love him back, so he gives you this version to protect himself. There are many options, but you have to show him that you can be a real boyfriend. Tell him how you feel! 
Lando looked at Alex briefly, then returned to Oscar a few seats ahead. He remained silent, thoughtful, struck by that vision. 
It was true that he'd never offered him valid alternatives to sex, but Oscar had immediately put up that wall on the subject. A subject that, in any case, perhaps it was time to revisit. 
"Oscar is complicated, even if I try to explain, they can't understand from the outside. There's no guarantee there'll be a happy ending for us..." 
Finally he sighed, his headache still exploding. He'd asked for this whole situation and now he had to resolve it or live with it. In any case, neither prospect was particularly easy. 
- It’s a fucking big and complicated gamble. - he concluded, opening the bottle without making a clear decision.  
- Bigger and more complicated than winning the championship last year? - Alex asked, perplexed. 
Lando thought for a moment, thinking about his enormous difficulties last year, which he had overcome with therapy, yoga and a lot of hard work on himself personally, then he thought about Oscar and his speech about love. He also thought about how different he was from the others. How rigid and definitive he was, how he set his limits so clearly, how stubborn he was about things until became fixed. 
Then he nodded decisively. 
- Yes, even more difficult. Because it might not depend on me. I could do everything in my power and still not be enough.
Alex, impressed, didn't answer that. 
- Anyway I'll try. In July I still didn't feel ready, I was more confused about my feelings, not only for him… - he carefully avoided mentioning Charles. Alex, probably thinking he was referring to Carlos, didn't ask. 
Then he continued: - The holidays were enlightening. I was the usual idiot thinking it would help, but in the end I felt worse. I was only thinking about Oscar; I missed him like crazy, and since then, I haven't wanted to go out with anyone else, not even Carlos. If there's anyone worth changing for and making the effort I did last year, and maybe even more, it's Oscar. 
Saying it out loud was helpful; he wasn't really saying it to Alex, even though he was there, listening attentively and with a satisfied smile like a proud brother. 
He didn't comment or respond, but it was obvious he was happy with his decision. 
The only thing left was to figure out what to do. 
"I definitely won't leave Langkawi without accomplished something!"
And with this solemn decision, Lando drank his water in long gulps, burped, and then jumped up with renewed enthusiasm, making Alex laugh, who returned with him to the others. 
It was known that he was moody, but at times he reached the point of bipolar disorder, and the fact that he himself was aware of it didn't make him feel any better! 

Then there was a huge difference between saying and doing. 
Deciding to do something didn't make it easy to carry on. 
Once they arrived at their destination, Lando realized how complicated it was to solve the problem. 
It was true that things with Carlos had calmed down naturally, but they had never talked about it, and it was time to do so. Too bad they hadn't done it before going on vacation together. 
"Maybe that's what he wanted to do in these four days with me? Talk about us? Because he was the first one who didn't contact me anymore. It happened once in three months, but I think it was before the break, and then nothing. Not that anything has changed between us, not apparently, but for two people who fucked very well and very willingly, it's clear that there's something on his part too. Idiot me, dragging the whole group along with me. Idiot Lando! Now we have to decide somehow to stay just friends! How the fuck am I supposed to do that now without hurting Oscar and making things worse between us, which are already complicated?"
While he was racking his brains without any decisive conclusion, Lando arrived in the Villa-Hotel lobby with the others. When it was time to settle into his rooms—after seeing Alex and George get together, as well as Ollie and Gabi—and with his heart pounding, his head exploding again, and the anxiety that even made him gasp for breath from the tension, he found himself talking to the lady behind the desk without knowing what to say. 
- We’ll take two double rooms. - he then said. 
The woman looked at him in surprise, as did Oscar and Carlos on either side of him—one on his right, one on his left—who didn't understand why two for two if there were three of them. 
- One for three, you mean? - she asked, puzzled. 
Lando shook his head vigorously. 
- No, no. Two doubles. - he confirmed without even knowing what he had in mind. 
The operator nodded and booked them, placing two different keys on the counter. As she continued to register their documents, Oscar and Carlos looked at him grimly and questioningly. 
- And who are you with? - Carlos asked at one point, unable to simply wait to see what the madman separating them was up to. Oscar, on the other hand, was afraid to ask, so he didn't. 
- With both of us! - he exclaimed, obviously. 
He said it without thinking it through first, completely spontaneous and impulsive. 
“First I'll talk to Carlos in his room, calmly and gently, to maintain our relationship. I have to explain myself well or there'll be trouble. Then I'll spend the rest of the holidays with my Osc. But I can't declare it openly; these are not things you announce in front of everyone."
But it was obvious that this was the case. It was, right? 
For him, yes, but perhaps not for Oscar who, huffing and shaking his head, left first grabbing one of the two keys. Normally he was good at masking his emotions, but in this case he couldn't do it at all. It was clear as day that he was angry. Lando turned puzzled, to look at him as he reached the corridor that led toward the rooms. Now why was he angry? But before he had time to ask himself that, Carlos, sighing equally annoyed, grabbed the other one and set off too—taking care to keep a good distance from Oscar in front of him and not walk alongside. 
As Lando watched Carlos leave, he heard Alex sigh patiently behind him and say to George in a low voice: - George, we have to help Lando. He'll never make it alone. 
- Do what? - he heard the other ask, even though he too was watching the scene puzzled, knowing practically nothing. 
- I’ll tell you later, but be ready to do something.
- Yes, but what? - he insisted. 
- It doesn't matter, you'll see later, but you'll have to use your engineering skills!
The two continued to argue while waiting for the idiot left alone with them to move. Lando scratched the back of his neck sticking out his lower lip, not understanding what had just happened or what he could have done differently. 
"Okay, but if I have to talk to them, I'll do it separately, right? And I can't say it in front of them: look, I'm doing this because I have to talk to both of you, but I have to dump one, while I have to get together with the other! It's not like I planned on ending up here with them. Maybe I could have avoided it, but how was I supposed to know it would end up like this?”
Having retrieved the documents, he set off with his two older brothers, who were still waiting for him before heading down the corridor to the rooms, having evidently understood that it was best to leave him alone as little as possible. 

He hadn't even seen which room Carlos had and which Oscar had. He'd greeted Alex and George as they entered theirs, and, telling them he'd manage and not to worry, he called the Spaniard. 
Appearing before him with a hard expression, one he'd never had with him before, he let him in without sparing him his harshness.
- You finally chose me? Should I consider myself lucky, or what?
Lando snorted in annoyance as he entered, dragging his carry-on suitcase with him, which he dropped next to the door leaving it intact. 
The room was very beautiful, as was the entire Villa-Hotel. Instead of terraces, the ground-floor rooms had sliding glass doors that looked out onto a small private garden, each equipped with a mini-pool. The cubicles were separated from the others by two-meter-wide dividers, either made of fake rock or wood with a roof, allowing for complete privacy while bathing. In other words, instead of having a bathtub in the bathroom, there was an outdoor one. 
Lando, however, completely ignored the details of the paradise they'd ended up in at the last minute, getting straight to the point so he could rush to his Osc and make amends before he barricaded himself in his room and cut him off forever. 
- Stop being so argumentative! We need to talk. You must have realized it yourself, or you would have contacted me more than once in three months! You wanted this with me to talk about us, right? I'm not stupid! I figured it out, I just didn't want to ruin my vacation, or yours, or Osc's. Even if it's only four days, it's still a great vacation. We can have fun. You get along really well with Alex, as you do with all your teammates, so I invited him and, consequently, George, so you won't ruin these four days after our chat! And besides, I didn't want to hurt Osc. Even if I explained to him what we had to do, he wouldn't have taken it well, I know him! 
- Now has he taken it well? No, because he didn't seem happy about having to share you with me. Because I don't know if you realize it, but that's what it looked like from the outside. Us waiting for you to switch between us at your own pace! You could have told us in advance, maybe by each sending a WhatsApp, if you didn't want the other to hear, instead of doing whatever you wanted without explaining it to anyone! And what do Ollie and Gabi have to do with it anyway? 
Carlos' response came promptly. He was relieved, but not surprised, a sign that Lando had been right and had wanted some time with him specifically to talk about them. 
Only on the second train did Lando realize he had practically already said everything they needed to say and that he hadn't done it with the delicacy he had expected. 
No, not at all. 
Standing in front of the door he'd entered through, he opened his mouth to impulsively retort, but then closed it again, sighing in surrender. No defense was necessary anymore. They'd just spoken, and they'd done without actually speaking. Delicacy and sweetness hadn't even vaguely grazed their conversation. 
"Fuck you, I'm such an idiot. I can't do anything I set out to do. What the fuck am I even going to do?"
- Ollie and Gabi were there to make up the numbers and prevent one of them from being the third wheel. Or fifth, in our case, considering George and Alex are a couple. - after the explanation, he sighed and shook his head still impatient, aware that he'd just done yet another stupid thing in an attempt to avoid it. 
- Look, I didn't plan this. You started talking about doing these days here and I thought, 'If I go without Osc, I'm done!' So I acted impulsively! - he justified himself by stuffing hands in the pockets and pouting, head bowed and gaze raised to see how much Carlos was hurting. He didn't want things between them to get ruined, but seeing him impassive, he remembered that the puppy dog attitude didn't work on him. It was Oscar he was having an effect on. 
- When don't you do it? - the other man replied completely ignoring him, more pissed off than he'd ever seen him before. 
Carlos plugged in the phone and then opened the glass door in front of the bed to admire the charming little pool lit up for the night. His hands on hips, his back tense, his shoulders high. He was angry.
Lando bit his lip, weighing what to do. If he came closer and acted affectionate, he risked making things worse. Carlos needed to cool down, but he'd get over it. 
He decided to stay where he was, standing in front of the door, ready to leave as soon as possible. 
- Isn’t that what you wanted? To stop fucking and just be friends? Especially after all this time without sex?
Lando was particularly sure of it, and when Carlos remained silent, he decided to move closer and stand beside him. His gaze swept over to the small, illuminated pool that was inviting him to jump in, given the heat and humidity of the evening. 
After looking without actually seeing the pool, he shifted his gaze to Carlos' accentuated profile. His mouth was pressed down, his usual lower lip sticking out. He always had it, it was a characteristic of his, but the difference was that now he wasn't smiling. He seemed thoughtful. 
Finally he sighed and relaxed his arms and back, deciding to speak. 
- Yes, it's better if we stay friends. I just didn't want you to get upset. 
Lando frowned, sensing something strange. What was he hiding? But when he tried to figure out what, Carlos turned flashing one of his captivating smiles that distracted everyone. 
- The idea was to have some fun alone here and see how it went. To assess whether what I'd been sensing for a few months was true. That there's no longer any chemistry, just a good friendship. If I'd finally found confirmation, I would have had the conversation we never even had. You were already taking it for granted, so we skipped the whole test part!
He seemed to be amused, even started laughing as if the situation was funny. Maybe it was, but Lando knew his laugh very well, and that one wasn't real. 
He realized it as he laughed in his face, more exaggerated than usual. 
"Don't tell me he's feeling something too? No, come on, that would be ridiculous! In three months he would have contacted me often, he would have made a thousand attempts, why not just do it and move away? It was as if he was paving the way for the inevitable separation!"
Lando tried to convince himself, while he peered deeply into his deep, dark eyes, but in the end he decided to indulge him and laugh back, even if it was grotesque and unconvincing. 
He quickly looked away. There wasn't much he could do. Things had already gone this way, Carlos had decided on this end between them, the least painful one, perhaps, or the one that would make him appear less suffering. 
He would never know, but it was okay. He had to respect his wishes. Carlos cared about appearing a certain way; he had never seen him feel bad or express discomfort emotionally, but only with anger and passion. So if he wanted to deal with it like that, that was fine. 
- I’m sorry, I thought you wanted to stop having sex, and I didn't want four days to go to shit like this… - he repeated softly, having no idea what to say exactly. 
Carlos nodded looking away, maintaining a plastic smile that still didn't reach his eyes. 
Lando looked at him for a moment longer before moving his own. In the end it had gone that way anyway. 
- Will you be okay? Will you still have fun? - he asked softly. 
Carlos seemed to smile again, but still without conviction. 
- Of course, you know how I am, right? A Spaniard who can't find anyone to have fun with in an earthly paradise? Imagine that! 
Lando now saw what he had never noticed because he was too busy with Oscar. 
"But if he wanted something more, he had the opportunity to bond with me. If he never took it, he has only himself to blame. I need to move on."
Finally he turned away from the pool, placed a hand on his broad, strong shoulder, tightened the grip, and then said a simple, gentle: - See you tomorrow morning? 
Carlos nodded without turning to look at him, his eyes fixed on the illuminated blue surface a few meters away. 
- See you tomorrow. - then, opening the door, he heard him add: - Best wishes with Oscar. 
Lando half-smiled, standing in the doorway. He really needed it. 
- Thank you. - Then he left. 
He hadn't asked anything about Oscar; it was as if he already knew everything. That they were having sex, that he was now in love with him and was trying to convince him to go steady. 
A regretful smile formed on his face. 
"I hope we can truly remain friends." as he thought this, he was sincere. 

NOTE:  Initially I wanted an open end headed in that direction, but then Langkawi gave me too many ideas and I used them all. This time, Alex and George are involved: here they’ll have an important role, even if the main characters remain Lando and Oscar. 
I don't know exactly where they went, but looking for some hotels with small gardens with pools per room, similar to the photo Lando posted, I came up with this 'Villa Langkawi'. I don't know if it's the one, but I assume so, since each room has this mini private garden with little pool, as I tried to describe. The location really inspired me, but you'll see it in the next chapters. Thanks everyone. Kisses, Akane