10. AN UNEXPECTED UNDERSTANDING

/Max/

“If only I could punch them all and erase their existence from the face of the Earth.
I certainly wasn’t spying, but when I was about to enter I heard them talking about me and since they were doing it in English I stopped to listen. What idiot wouldn’t?
I knew it would go like this anyway, imagine if they wouldn’t say this bullshit.
Shitheads.
I recognize all the voices, Esteban stands out among all of them, he expressed the most popular point of view, I had already heard others and thanks to the internet it’s now difficult to stay out of what’s going around. Even if I don’t care and I don’t look for similar bullshit, you end up knowing it anyway.
I let them spew out their bullshit and when they’re done I make my entrance on stage. I walk by them, looking at them fiery, I want to spit in their faces. When I see that Charles was among them, my blood rushes to my brain even more. Since I hadn’t heard his voice I hadn’t realized he was there too, he's the only one of those assholes who didn't speak. Well, Pierre didn't say anything bad either, he just told about the phone call and how happy he was, then someone told him that it won't be easy to race with me because I've already ‘killed’ Daniel.
What the hell does that have to do with anything, damn it?
Daniel had 'killed' Seb before, so what?
It's called F1, we're here to race, there's nothing personal, the seats change and everyone is trying to succeed, but if one stays and the other goes it doesn't mean there's a war going on. Not between me and him, at least.
I sit next to Daniel in the front row, from the way I do it he understands that I'm pissed off and he gives me a questioning look because up until then I was doing fine.
It was hard to get over the news, even though he had been trying to prepare me for the eventuality for months.
I remember when he told me the first time, it was traumatic, to say I took it badly doesn't do it justice. That time Charles saw us and I was so out of my mind that I even threatened him. I was so upset that maybe only when Daniel confirmed to me that he had signed with Renault, it was worse. A few weeks ago.

**

- Max, I don't want you to lose your mind.
The way he starts makes me feel pissed off.
It's like he's stepping on my foot, I feel like I'm not going to like it the exact moment his voice tells me this and now everything comes back. I understand in an instant what he came to tell me, why he insisted on spending a day on a boat.
At first I was happy, I thought he wanted to fix things between us that had been a bit tense at times lately, that he had changed his mind and wanted to stay, after all. Besides, all I did was tell him not to be an asshole, but today he made me come out here to the sea to be an asshole.
He's in a bathing suit, with his well-trained and tanned body, his tattoos on display and an air that no longer feels happy.
But maybe he's had this unhappy air for a while. If I have to be honest, I've had this impression since the beginning of the year, because I lost my mind for his happiness and now I fear that it's my fault that he's really turned off a little.
Am I so selfish that I don't realize it? He used to make me happy and I didn't notice his happiness fading away because of me?
I've been here all these months breaking his balls, making a fuss and yelling at him every time the topic of changing teams came up and I never noticed that he actually wasn't happy anymore.
Is this how I feel about him?
I try to tell myself all these things, what someone's boyfriend should think, but as soon as he confirms what I've now understood, I snap.
Damn, I snap.
- They offered me a contract with Renault for next year and I intend to accept and sign.
Luckily he doesn’t say he’s already done it, I think I would have punched him.
I grip the railing I'm leaning on convulsively, the boat is rocking slightly, the sea is calm; my mood, on the other hand, plummets.
It's an instant, but I realize I'm losing my mind.
- Fuck you, Daniel! - I roar harshly. I tighten my mouth in a downward fold, my eyes become steel and I breathe deeply. Very deeply.
I'm shaking, I really want to hit him.
- Come on Max, we talked about it. You knew I wanted to leave. If I stay I have to accept being your second and here at Red Bull they really believe in this strategy. I don't want to sacrifice myself already, I feel like I'm in the prime of my career, I have to demand more and push, I can't settle for being under someone. You better than anyone else should understand me!
- AND DO YOU THINK RENAULT WILL BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU THE SATISFACTION YOU WANT? - I thunder out of control that I've never had.
Daniel sighs deeply, trying to stay calm.
The day was really beautiful, so far. The sun was shining, we were going to get burned but we were going to be happy. We did some diving and rented two jet skis for fun.
I was so happy about this damn day, and now I’ll remember it as the day of our end.
Because there is definitely no escape. This is how it will be.
This is what it is.
The end of our story.
Daniel comes in front of me with his hands to take my arms and calm me down, but I step aside to avoid him touching me. I raise a hand as if to say stay there, he does so but with open arms, his head tilted to the side.
- No Daniel! Do you really think you'll be better at Renault? You didn't say Ferrari or Mercedes! Even McLaren could have been a more satisfying option!
- But Renault was a great team, it won world championships, what the hell are you saying Max?
- It won, you're right! Now it's going down! You know very well that you won't find there what you don't have here!
- But what should I do? Stay where I'm no longer happy?
- But what will you have there?
- Importance! A first drive! Then I don't know, I have to go, Max. I have to stop being your teammate!
When he says it he’s exasperated, we turn around, he tries to grab me and I run away because if he touches me I’ll throw that famous punch, but as soon as he says it I instinctively push him. I have an explosion, I can't stop myself. My head is throbbing and plays the drums of war, I want to scream, I feel like I'm going crazy and I push him again.
When I see that he doesn't fall just because he ends up against the railing of the boat, his shocked look at my gesture calms me, but not that much.
I feel the blood flowing furiously in my veins, furious like me.
I shake my head and he’s about to hold out that damned hand again.
- Max... - he says softly and sorry. He begs with his voice and his look and I shake my head even harder, I raise my arm avoiding his hand and suddenly dive into the sea.
The freezing water envelops me forcefully and shockingly and it’s the first moment of relief I feel.
I stay down hugging my knees hoping to turn into a lead ball that sinks, but unfortunately I come back up and so to avoid hearing his voice I immediately start swimming to the other side of him and his fucking boat.
Shitty day.
I swim until I can't take it anymore, then I stop and realize that apart from him who is now small, there’s nothing and no one around me. It's not like I'll get to the shore by myself by swimming and even if I did what would I do? Would I ask for a ride? Well, I'm a little famous and I have the nerve to get by, I could, but I can't see the land and I don't know which way I should swim and for how long.
Come on, Max, don't be a child and go back.
What were you saying to yourself before?
If you fell something for him you have to think about his happiness. This year he wasn't anymore, but you were too focused on your stupid desires to understand that. You don't have to be a child.
But he said he wants to leave me, stop being my teammate.
I look up at the sky as my eyes start to burn me again and not because of the salt of the sea.
I sink once more, I let the surface close over my eyes, I see the sky and I keep them open until they burn from the salt and no longer because I want to cry and I feel bad.
Opening up and letting good things into my life was a terrible idea. Now you'll see how bad I'll feel!
I resurface huffing and decide to go back to him. When I reach him he’s sitting on the edge with legs dangling over the bar, arms between two others and face above it, his forehead resting on the steel and his expression a mix between patient and indulgent.
When I remain in the water literally at his feet, we exchange this look, I’m still sulking and moving to stay afloat, he’s there waiting for me to calm down.
- Are you done acting crazy? - he asks cheekily. At this I splash water in his face, I do it angrily and not to play, but he laughs and that finally disarms me.
Damn asshole. You really know how to screw me, huh? In more ways than one.
Then he nods indicating to get on, so I resignedly do as he says.
When I get back on board, he has turned inward and made himself comfortable on one of the deck chairs with the towels on it, he throws me one and indicates that I should sit with him. I dry myself and pant because it was a long swim, but I don't feel much better. Just more resigned.
I fought all year, but in the end I lost. But maybe it was better this way.
It's better that it ends now while I'm not too involved, since sooner or later everything ends. Everything gets ruined. Nothing lasts forever, especially the good things. I should know, since my father did so much to make me understand that life sucks even when it's going well.
I sit down tired and exhausted, more emotionally than physically. I don't touch him and he waits before doing so. We lean with our elbows on our knees in similar positions, under the sun that warms us and will probably burn us.
- I feel that if I remain your teammate, our story will be ruined and it’ll end between us. It’ll end because I’ll start to hate you, I’ll see you as the fault of my suffering, my ruin. I don't want it to be ruined between us because of this, Max. If one day it were to end, I want it to be because we don't feel anything for  each other anymore, because we can't stand each other anymore, not because we hate each other because of F1.
Explained like this it's definitely different and my eyes burn again, but it's more bearable. I don't feel like I'm going crazy, I don't have the war drums and I don't want to hit him.
I give myself some time to realize and finally I sigh, resting my head on his warm, naked shoulder. My wet, cold head makes him shiver, but he puts the arm around me and pulls me to him. I let myself do it and finally I give in.
- I'm going to miss you like crazy.
- I know, but nothing will change between us. In fact, it’ll get better, you'll see.
But I don't know. I don't really know if he's right. He's always been the optimistic one among us, but that doesn't mean that optimism is reality. Sometimes that reality is pessimism.

**

But what the fuck do they know on how bad I feel about him leaving one of the best teams out there because of me? If it wasn't for me he wouldn't have left. Daniel wanted to be the first leader and be successful here. Seb led the way by showing that it's possible, he won 4 world championships here. Anyone after him dreams of the same results with this team and the fact that I'm here to do it one day effectively puts Daniel out of the game. Two people can't win on the same team. My father did everything he could to make me Helmut Marko's protégé and now that I am and that I'm improving race after race, they’ll surely be more and more focused on me and on bringing me to success. It's an investment that they made a long time ago, on which they also spent a lot of time and money. My father keeps repeating all this to me so that I’m aware that if they’re patient with me and my too many mistakes, it's only because they know that I’ll repay them one day and they’re so sure of it that they’ll sacrifice everyone, without hesitation, for this I have no choice. I can't look anyone in the face, not even the person I have feelings for.
I like Daniel too much to make him suffer, if he's hurting it's time I did something for him too and let him go by supporting him in this escape.
An escape from me.
It's the worst thing I could experience, but it's true that he does it for us too, so as not to ruin our relationship. If he stayed he would end up hating me too much and we would no longer be able to be together.
But is that so? Is it really an investment in our future? And what if we're actually already to the point of hating me madly? Maybe he's good at hiding it and in reality he can't wait to dump me...

- Hey! - Charles's clear and familiar voice comes from behind surprising me, while most of the drivers are racing to see who gets out of the briefing room first.
By now it's time to go to dinner and everyone is already talking about where they're going. Daniel and I had also thought about something, trying to enjoy these last few months as best as possible as teammates. Then yes, he says that we're not breaking up and nothing will change, but I feel that something has already changed, even if I don't know what.
I'm down, I'm damn down and I think it shows, because when I turn around and look at him, Charles stiffens and his eyes widen. After all, I've never been good at holding back.
- Tell your dear fucking friend that if he has something to say to me, he can come and say it to my face because I'm not afraid of anyone!
I say it growling and with my typical hatred. He raises his hands as if in a sign of peace and calm.
- Come on, that's what everyone in the world is saying right now. You can't fight with everyone.
- Do you want to see? - I immediately answer, hands in my pockets, rigid body position, hard expression. He smiles.
- Better not... - he's about to say something, but he changes his mind. I'd like to know what it was, but if I asked him I would look like someone who cares and I don't care about anything or anyone, only Daniel. And in the end he dumped me too. Because that's what he's doing.
- For what it's worth, I don't think so. He's not leaving because of you. It's Red Bull that doesn't know how to manage two drivers without making one of them suffer. But you know, it's F1. It's always been like this and it's certainly not going to change now.
When he says this, something opens in my head and in the middle of my chest.
My armor of anger opens that had literally kept me standing during these shitty days. Absurdly, when I feel that he understands me and that he knows how it works and knows that I was feeling bad, I feel better. Relieved. Almost at peace.
I look at him surprised and lost.
- You’ll go through it too. Exactly what I’m going through. You’ll arrive at Ferrari, you’ll be Seb's partner, a great driver like few others in the business, and little by little they’ll consider you as their first driver and he, suffering from it, will leave. Then you’ll understand how I feel.
I don't know why I tell him, he’s struck for a moment because I clearly say that I believe in him and in his qualities as a driver, I believe that he’ll be successful and that he’ll arrive at Ferrari. I’ve never made a secret of it. Well, maybe I’ve never told him specifically, now that I think about it.
Well, I just did.
The hands in my pockets stop clenching into fists and the shoulders relax as the rest of my body. He looks at me with a surprised and ironic little smile that doesn't reach his eyes au usual.
- I hope you're right because it’ll mean I'm achieving my dream. But I think it’ll still be different. As much as I admire and respect Seb, I doubt it would be the same to see him go. It's definitely different for you.
For a moment I think I misunderstood. Did he really say that?
Really?
My eyes widen, it's the first time that he not only seeks me out to console me in some way, but he even alludes to my relationship with Daniel. I'm about to say something that I don't even know what it could be, but he quickly adds seriously.
- That's why I know that you've never tried to cheat him and that you're not happy about what's happening. But if he's feeling bad, he has to do what's best for himself.
I really don't know what's wrong with him and why he even came to tell me. Maybe because he felt guilty because he didn't defend me before.
In the end I remain stunned watching him, it's an event for me because I always have a joke ready in any case, for me it's a defense, but now I can only say one simple word that makes me feel shocked to address to him.
- Thank you.
It means a lot to me that you know the truth, that I'm not the asshole everyone thinks. But I won't tell you that.
At this point Pierre comes back out of the door and calls him, with him is Daniel, the two were laughing together and only when we reach them do I notice how similar those two are in their ways.
Sunny, happy, contagious. Maybe for two people like Charles and I, only two like that are good.
I'm angry, he's sad: not very conformist, in short.
Once we're reunited with our halves, I realize the thought.
Does this mean that Charles is also with Pierre and that's why he understands me so well?

Of course I couldn't know at the time how things had gone, but when I see the images from every angle on the monitor behind the podium, I'm shocked to say the least.
- Fuck, Fernando's car crashed on his head! - I exclaim while for the first time I feel something when I look at the accidents on the track. It's not the first and it won't be the last, I always watch and I'm struck by the worst ones, but now it's different. Now my heart goes stupidly into my throat.
- If it wasn't for that halo it would have ended badly... - Seb comments, Lewis agrees with him. Since they made peace, last year, they get along well, they never separate and never disagree.
It's always nice to be with them because it makes me feel like I'm a winner like them. It's as if destiny told me that my place is among them, among the greats, among the really strong.
- Charles was lucky, it could have ended badly...
We talk again about that bad accident at the beginning and the more they show the images, the more I shiver to myself. Seb mentions Jules Bianchi, the reason why the much discussed Halo was introduced that I, like everyone else, have always hated, Bianchi who was a great friend of Charles. It's as if he had protected him, today, Lewis replies sentimental and philosophical as only he can be. I'm not a romantic or fatalist, but this thing gives me the shivers and I fall silent while the images change and show other scenes of the race.
I came in third and from a shitty GP that I was expecting, in the end it went more than well. I didn't expect it, but while I was driving over the weekend I realized I was feeling better and better, free and light as I hadn't felt for a long time.
Racing is liberating, it always has been for me, but this time it was therapeutic.
And yet that conversation with Charles... I can't help but think that in some way it helped me.
If things in my private life go to shit, I’ll always have F1 to save me. It has always been this way and always will be.
But today I’m happy that Charles is okay. Fucking happy.
I don't think I would have remained indifferent if he had ended up like Bianchi, I don't know how I would have reacted, but suddenly at this thought I feel strange; however I don't understand well since we’re called to the podium for the celebrations and the awards and soon I forget everything. Soon there’s only my revenge on the pathetic losers who talk without knowing a damn thing about me. But they will see it. Everyone will see who the winner is. I have only just begun.”

NOTES: sorry for the delay with which I post sometimes, work reasons and various commitments, but I'm always here because I've written over 100 chapters (not finished yet) so the material is there, it just needs to be corrected and translated and for this it depends on the time I have available. I thank those who read and comment, I’m very pleased. We’re still in the phase of knowing and deepening the characters and their situations, but finally things are starting to move for the two of them and slowly small changes come to trigger the beginning of a chain process. Thanks to everyone and see you next time. Kisses Akane