11. WHEN DREAMS COME TRUE

/Charles/

“My gaze is lost in the deep blue surface of the sea on which the boat floats. The sun beats down on my shoulders, but I am hypnotized by looking at the water that reminds me so much of Max’s eyes. As I think about it, I realize that this is precisely his shade and I almost light up to instinctively tell someone, but when I turn and look at my friends scattered in every available and useful corner to bask in the sun, I realize that no one would be interested in knowing what color Max’s eyes are.
So I go back to looking in front of me in this strange position, where my legs and arms hang over the edge of the boat, between the two horizontal steel bars of the railing that allows me to slip in and rest my chin on the middle one.
Slowly I go back to relaxing, staring at the calm surface of this element that I love, so dark given the depth of the seabed that of course you can’t even see from up here.
The boat belongs to one of my friends who had invited us today on the free weekend, I'm with the usual ones and with Giada. He invited me surprised that I didn't already have one of my own, when he asked me what I was waiting for to get one I told him 'the signature with Ferrari!'
There are no certainties yet, only rumors and hopes.
Nicolas told me that Ferrari is seriously evaluating my profile for next year, but they haven't decided anything yet and to keep the phone always attached because they will want to speak directly with me if necessary.
Until that moment, if it ever comes, I will have to work hard to achieve the first of my goals. Ferrari. Then I’ll start for the other. The World Championship.
These are the promises that I solemnly made to my father and Jules, there’s nothing above this and it’s not only for them, but also for myself. It’s really what I want.
I like this kind of life, the luxury, the fun, the holidays, the sea and everything. It's nice and I certainly don't want to deprive myself of this side of life, but I'm not trying to succeed in F1 for the luxury life like many drivers who try this path.
For me it's a personal mission, as well as exactly what I want for myself, what I like above all else.
Something is sprayed on my hot back because of the sun and I jump turning my head, when I see Giada's smiling face placing a delicate kiss on my lips, I turn back.
- Do you want to get burned? I don't think you'll drive well next week with a burned back... - she points out. I giggle and nod, leaning back on the railing, my gaze wandering back over the blue surface of the sea and I relax again.
Is it strange that I think that the color of the sea is the same as Max's eyes instead of getting excited because my girlfriend rubs cream on my back?
Maybe, but it's also because I've been with her for so long. It’s been three years now and I’ve never found a reason to leave her, or even to progress in the relationship. We’ve never even talked about living together even though she lives in Monaco like me. We often spend a lot of time together, but not always, mostly I’m busy with competitions and I’m fine with that, I don’t feel like asking her to come and live with me.
I think about it, every now and then. I think it should be something more, but it’s not. It really isn’t and there’s no doubt about it. For now I’m fine, but your girlfriend shouldn’t just be the one who accompanies you around every now and then, she’s not the one who ‘plays your girlfriend’ when you have free time. But in fact I think that’s how it is.
Pierre also changes girlfriends every now and then even though he’s more aware of his sexuality than I am and I wonder if the role of girlfriend is just that, in reality. A role. To be able to lead the life you secretly want, the one that’s really yours, that you like and makes you feel alive. But even if it were, what is this real secret life that I’d like to live? There’s nothing to hide at the moment, but I know that this that I live on the surface is just that. The surface. I’m sure of that, even if I don't know what is underneath. I suppose I’ll find out by living, as they say, right? Who knows Max. He’s with Daniel, if he’s really still with him, which I’m not so sure about, but I don't think he has a girlfriend.
When you become a public figure I think it's normal to think about your image, Pierre told me that he always wants to have a girl by his side for this reason, but it's undeniable that he prefers boys.
For me it's still all hazy and as long as I'm happy with Giada I don't worry. If it were to end up with her, I think I would continue to have a girl by my side if only because it's the habit, as well as a security. You know that they’ll leave you alone if you always have one by your side.
But to tell the truth I have never thought about it seriously, I haven’t planned anything, I simply live what I feel like living without thinking about it too much. However, it's the first time I've wondered about Max. He certainly has something important to hide as a well-known figure, both him and Daniel, but I've never seen him particularly interested in doing so. He doesn't show off girlfriends, neither fake nor real.
He’s brave and self-confident and I admire him for this. He’s not afraid of being discovered. Not that they show off, they certainly won't come out from the way he reacted when I caught them, but I think it's not that easy to carry on a relationship like theirs, it's clear they're serious.
He reacted too badly to the rumors that wanted him responsible and guilty of Daniel's escape. When they insinuate that the two of them don't get along and that Daniel is leaving Red Bull because of him, he goes into a rage. That day I wanted to let him know that I didn't think like the others, although in some way I believe it's true that Max is responsible for Daniel’s decision, but not for what others think.
I remember that day last week, when I told him that I distanced myself from the rumors that were circulating about them. I was kind and I’m kind to everyone pro forma, but with him I had never been, I think. I surprised him.
The blue color of his eyes overlaps with the sea again and I realize only after a while that Giada has stopped spreading cream on me and is lying in the sun again.
Music comes out of a speaker, it's a moment of total relaxation and it's beautiful, but I think that soon we’ll all go back to diving in and acting like idiots.
I smile remembering Max's surprise and his 'thank you' at that conversation. He and I have almost never spoken, especially when we were young, now maybe it happens a little more but we’re always very distant and formal. More or less.
When he almost punched to threaten me if I told anyone about them it wasn't very formal, but it was certainly effective.
Sometimes I envy him for his ability to be spontaneous in every circumstance. It doesn't matter what, when or how. If I were with a boy I think I would do like Pierre, I would always keep a beautiful girl close to me as a mirror, to be sure of not being suspected or discovered and to leave rumors and pains in the ass far away. While he’s careful but doesn't think about cover-ups, although maybe it also depends on the way he’s with Daniel, on the actual relationship. Maybe they’re together but not that seriously. I mean, maybe if they were really in love Max would look for a cover-up relationship to feel more secure, who knows. In any case I admire him for the courage he’s showing at this moment. It's not easy to live like him.
It's right now, while I'm about to suggest a couple of dives and swims and then think about lunch, that the phone next to me rings and as soon as a blow to my heart happens it makes me think I'm having a heart attack.
I immediately think it's Arrivabene, it's normal when you're expecting that news at any moment. Every time your phone rings you think of him, I've already done it twenty times, but it's the first time my eyes actually read that name on the display and I almost die.
A heart attack isn't just an impression.
I immediately jump up, falling backwards, bounce on the bed back here and after I settle on my knees hysterically screaming to turn down the music, I answer Maurizio.
His now familiar voice reaches my ears. I haven't spoken to him much, but it has happened every now and then.
If he calls me it’ll be to tell he has taken me, right?
It’s impossible for me not to think about that possibility. It’s pure logic.
My heart is killing me from beating so much. He greets me, the pleasantries, how are you, what's up, am I bothering you, no everything is ok and then finally the news.
- Listen, I'm calling to tell you that in the end we have decided not to take you. I wanted you to hear it from me so as to avoid possible false news from others.
For a moment I think I misunderstood, but from the way he adds that he’s sorry, I realize that I really understood correctly.
As I realize that it's a no, the first no to something I really cared about, the world collapses around me and my eyes burn. But why is he calling me to tell me that? Since when does someone call you to tell that they don't take you?
Despite myself, I pull out all the strength I can while I cover my other ear with a finger that almost pierces my eardrum from the frantic force I'm using.
- Okay, fine, thanks for telling me anyway.
What should I say?
A no is a no, I have to be an adult and take it with maturity. I'll still work hard at Sauber to get noticed, sooner or later it’ll happen.
He says goodbye and hangs up, I'm still staring at the phone kneeling on the mat where I jumped. It's so strange. My other friends, realizing that it was an important call, stare at me, Giada has come and doesn't know whether to touch me and comfort or leave me alone. Luckily, he knows me well enough to know that in some cases it’s better not to touch me and that I don’t like physical contact that much.
- He said he won’t take me. - I murmur softly, more disappointed than I wanted to appear. Is this maturity, Charles? Shouldn’t you have been more adult? Where’s your strength? It’s a no that you had expected, after all.
Finally I sigh and just as I’m about to throw myself face down on the bed where I’m perched, the phone rings again. I stare at it with my heart in my throat, his name again.
Maurizio Arrivabene.
- Him again! - I whisper under my breath, another heart attack, I can’t take any more.
Without thinking about anything anymore, I pick up and answer and it’s right at this moment, at this precise moment that his voice is now cheerful.
- I was joking, Charles. We’ve decided to take you for next year. You’ll have a seat next to Seb.
And nothing, now I don't see anything anymore.
Nothing.
I think I thank him and I think he tells me that we’ll talk for the details, but I know for sure that I’m in total shock. So much so that I can't even breathe, my heart has stopped and my brain is in a tailspin. I swear, I’m out of my mind.
I put the phone down, I take off my sunglasses and without looking at anything or anyone, just as if I were possessed by a ghost or something, I get up, with a quick stride I reach the railing and without grabbing it with my hands I put a foot on it and after pivoting I free myself in the air screaming, unloading in this scream all the nerves that had tensed in spasm.
I don't know what the others are doing, the water closes above my head, freezing and shocking, and slaps me after the sun had boiled my skin.
The world erases itself, every situation, thought, fear, absurd phone conversation.
Everything goes away, only that awareness remains.
The most important one.
I'm here under the water hugging my knees and sinking a little more from the force with which I dived.
Dad, I made it. I'm really in Ferrari. Do you see? It wasn't a lie, but we both knew it wasn't.
It was just a preview of what would happen.
We both knew it, here we are. We really did it. Our dream is here, it starts now and I swear now, as I come back up to the surface breathing deeply, I solemnly swear that I will win in Ferrari. I won't just go to warm a seat.
I will win Grand Prix and world championships. I swear, Dad.
Jules, did you see? Maybe you would have signed today in my place if you were alive.
My friends see me smile and so as I raise my fingers in a V shape, they understand and when I shout 'THEY TOOK ME' they all dive with me shouting in the same way, crazy with joy. They come to me and sink me to celebrate and I abandon myself to happiness and to this new phase of my life that is about to begin. 
I feel that if I had to define my existence, I could define it from before Ferrari and from after.
I am sure of it, very sure.
Dad, Jules, I did it. I will not disappoint you. I swear.

After exchanging messages with Pierre where we agreed on tonight, I organized the perfect surprise. As if on purpose we had decided to go out anyway, so we met at my place with the idea of ​​joining our girls for dinner.
When he questioned the fact that not only Caterina and Giada needed to get ready, but he too, I said hastily that he could do it at my place and I almost got caught.
Why did Caterina have to get ready at the hotel while he did it at my place?
Obviously I had to tell him ‘so we speak', I was mysterious but he’s used to my methods. Since I could write, I hid my tone well but if I heard him on the phone, you can imagine if he didn't understand that I was excited and high.
When I told my mom and brothers, they all cried and I almost cried too. I have never been this emotional since dad died, but I suppose it's normal.
As soon as I hear the doorbell, my heart starts to race. It's a stupid thing and I know perfectly well that it doesn't concern Pierre but it's the fact that telling it in person to someone after I've calmed down, gives me the right weight of what happened to me.
I realize what I'm about to say, even though I've already told it to my parents but I was so out of my mind at the time that I didn't even realize it.
Now it's different.
Pierre gets in the elevator and mentally counting the seconds until he reaches the top of the building, I open the front door before he rings.
My heart is pounding, my eyes are burning, I think I'm alive.
Maybe that's it.
I'm alive again and it's all thanks to Ferrari.
It's my big dream and I've achieved it.
It's real, not just hopes and plans.
It's pure reality.
After I'd calmed down I feel electric again to say the least and as I swing  open the door in front of him, I think I'm vibrating with happiness.
In the end I can't say anything, because I hug him tightly and spontaneously like he did a few weeks ago.
I squeeze and pull him in and I can't even speak because he hugs me back and screams because he already knows. Imagine if he didn't understand as soon as he saw me. After all, I'm not one to hug easily.
- SO IS IT YES? - he screams in my ear and damn I scream the same way too, totally out of control.
- IT'S YES! THEY'RE TAKING ME IN FERRARI!
I had to say it, I had to say it explicitly. I needed to do it because it's such a big thing that I'll never have enough of repeating.
They took me in Ferrari, I'm in, I'm with them. It's all true.
Pierre starts screaming and I scream with him and I've never done this for anything in my entire life, but damn how alive I feel now. So much so that I can't take it, I feel like I'm going to explode, I'm uncontrollable and I don't understand anything anymore, absolutely nothing.
In fact, I take his face in my hands and without opening my eyes because I could calm down and I don't want to lose this crazy state of mind, I look for his mouth and after finding it I invade forcefully with my tongue. I don't understand anything at all, except that he answers me almost immediately and we end up kissing.
The heat explodes, the emotion gives me the final blow and I feel hot in every part of my body, to the point that I push him against the door that I just closed and leave his face to go down with my hands in his pants. I open and put my hand inside. Once I take his erection, I masturbate him without even thinking, but I do even worse before waking up and realizing.
With the other I do the same with myself and without stopping kissing him I join our cocks in my hands that soon become equally hard.
The heat of his against mine goes to my head and we start panting remaining only with our lips on each other breathing. Our eyes still closed because it's too good and we don't want to wake up. Not me, at least.
It's all very fast, in reality. A flash that crosses the sky driving us crazy. Or rather, driving me crazy.
After we both come, him leaning against the door behind him and me against him, while I slide my forehead into the crook of his neck, I let our groins press pulsating, wet and satisfied against each other. My hands on the solid wood door behind him.
Then only our breathing remains, both painting, almost synchronized as we have been since the moment we saw each other a moment ago.
We were on the same wavelength. For the first time we reacted the same way, wanted the same thing. For the first time we were both equally alive.
It was shocking and beautiful.
Alive. It feels so good to be alive. I want more, but I want it to be spontaneous as it was now, not forced because it’s something decided by me, considered and targeted.
I want to go back to being transported as now, but I still think I did something wrong.
It was beautiful and I want to do it again, but not with him.
Here’s what went wrong.
Maybe he infected me with his enthusiastic and excessive ways, or maybe he was in the right place at the right time, but probably if it had been anyone else I would have done the same.
Or maybe not. Maybe it’s just the fact that it was Pierre, because I trust him and I’m comfortable with him.
- I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. You shouldn’t indulge me when I go crazy. - I say after an infinitely long moment during which we remained leaning against each other without saying anything or moving.
Embarrassed, I continue to babble: - You should have punched me. This time I went too far, I don’t know what came over me. I think I really went crazy, but I was so happy that I didn’t understand anything.
I go away, putting everything back in place full of shame and regret, even though it had been so beautiful before and I remember what I felt and desired.
I still want it.
I want to feel like this again, but second by second, as I walk nervously and panicked through the apartment, I realize something essential.
It was out of place. Not the act itself, that was damn good. But him.
And yet, maybe, I couldn't have done it with anyone but him.
- It's okay Charles. Seriously. You were high, it's normal...
- It's not because I have a girlfriend, if I'm high...
I hadn't thought of that before I said it and as I speak the agitation rises, my heart starts to feel in my chest again and I don't know what to do. For a moment here in the middle of my house, I realize that I don't know what to do because I acted on impulse and I regret it, even if a part of me doesn't. A part of me liked it and knows it was time.
Seeing that I can't look at him, he appears behind me and gently puts an arm around my shoulders. Always gently he turns me towards him and after an initial moment of resistance, I let and abandon myself to a hug that this time doesn’t end up in porn. It isn’t inappropriate, shocking and vibrant like before. It’s one of our hugs. Everything is normal again.
Before I wasn’t myself or maybe I was. I was so much that I could no longer control myself. But what is the point in the end?
He doesn't say anything, he just continues to say that everything is fine and I can't speak anymore.

The cold beer between my fingers immediately gives me a feeling of calm and clarity, it would have worked with pure ice too, but the glass bottle is fine.
After putting it in my hand, Pierre sits on the sofa next to me and looks at me expectantly, patiently, with a calm that doesn't seem to belong to him normally. He's always very exuberant and lively, so much so that I often envy him, but he always knows how to deal with me.
Now I need calm and silence, because if I don't get to the bottom of it, it's over and I don't want to mess things up right now.
He gives me the time I need but since I don't say anything, he starts.
- You know, maybe it's just that you've wanted to try for a long time and you didn't dare, you needed a push to experiment if your doubts are well-founded.
I'm not surprised that he knows so many things about me that I don't even know, I'm surprised that every time he always manages to say and do the right things with me.
I don't deserve someone like him by my side.
When I finally look up, I look at his beautiful clear eyes, this beautiful sky blue, and I have no doubts. Suddenly I understand that he ’s right.
- Am I gay too?
Because he’s the only one with whom I could have explored the doubt I have had for some time.
I liked Jules and I had strong doubts about the way I liked him, the only one I had spoken to was Pierre and on that occasion he had reassured me with his typical lightness saying that he too was attracted to boys and that there was nothing wrong with it. But then I never managed to make sure and now, arriving in F1, I have started to ask myself again if I liked boys.
Why have these doubts returned just now?
While he smiles sweetly at me, shrugging his shoulders in a sign of obviousness, I sigh with an air more resigned than serene.
Obviously I am, at least I like boys too. Or maybe some and not all. I can definitely have an orgasm and kiss one.
And yet I know, I focus on his beautiful face always well-groomed in every detail, the delicate features bordering on perfection.
I know I enjoyed doing what I did, but it's not him.
Somehow I know it's not him who turns me on, it was the moment, the way I felt and this increasingly obsessive thought that I evidently nurtured without fully realizing it.
He was the vehicle with which I ascertained my nature, but they’re other shades of blue which absurdly surface in my mind while I stare into his.
It's an intensity of blue similar to the sea, the color of the eyes that come to mind.
As soon as I concretely realize it, I open mine and I shake myself by draining almost the entire beer in one go.
Charles, you're crazy, stop raving and come to your senses!
After I drink, I let out a burp of a certain thickness that makes Pierre laugh, then I start talking about the phone call from Arrivabene and the Ferrari and this saves by making me regain control.
Pierre is the only one on the face of the Earth who could understand certain things about me that I don't even want to understand. So I have to be careful when I'm with him, if I don't want to find myself facing uncomfortable realities.
Very careful.”

NOTES: the way Charles found out that Ferrari was taking him is true, these are things he later told, Arrivabene had really played a prank on him and he was on a boat with friends and immediately dived in full of joy. Of course all the things with Pierre are my very personal additions. The photos I put in the chapter banner are all taken from September 2018 while the one on the boat is only to vaguely render the scene I described and the color of Max's eyes, because I clearly visualize in my mind what I write even if I'm not an expert in everything I put and sometimes I completely invent. For example, I don't know what yachts look like, but I use my imagination and look for some photos online to find out. The parallels between Charles and Max are absolutely intentional. See you next time. Kisses Akane