12. ANGELS AND DEVILS

/Max/

“The news of Charles at Ferrari from next year immediately goes around the world and although I don’t know many things, I instinctively feel happy for him.
I’m not a gossip monger so sometimes I feel like I live outside the world, only that even if I don’t want to listen to what others say, and by others I mean all those who in some way have to do with the racing world, I still end up knowing.
It’s the voice of the moment, people talk about it all the time and it’s inevitable that I too will end up hearing what they say about Charles and Ferrari.
In the end, they make fantastic and romantic stories about Charles, about how he lied to his father on his deathbed, saying that he had already signed for Ferrari even though he was still in F2 and didn’t even have Sauber in sight at the time, they talk about this splendid outcome where in the end he really got to Ferrari, accomplishing what he told his father. They also tell super cloying things about his predestination thanks to Bianchi, whose place he has taken in a certain sense because the rumor about him, before he died, was that he was Kimi's legitimate successor at Ferrari and that he would eventually arrive in red. Since Bianchi, as even the walls now know, was the guarantor for Charles, it's a tear-jerker the fact that he was the one who got there.
They talk about him as the Predestined more than ever, not that they haven't already done so long before, so much so that even someone like me who doesn't listen to gossip and bullshit about others ended up knowing it anyway, but now the Prophecy has come true, right?
Or rather, if there had been a Prophecy this is the moment in which it would be fulfilled.
In short, the way they talk about it seems like the plot of a fantasy saga.
They're a load of cosmic bullshit!
They could have asked me about Charles, I would have told them already in the Go-Kart days that both he and I would have arrived in F1 in two great rival teams. If you don't believe in a dreamy child, now that I'm here and I've proven with facts that it was true that I would get there, it means I was right about him too.
Me in Red Bull and him in Ferrari. I always knew it would go like this, there was no need for any bullshit about Predestination. That bullshit doesn't exist. It was simply obvious that he would succeed, just like it was for me, because we’re fucking good, the best of our generation, as Seb and Lewis were of theirs.
Now Charles has just arrived in F1 and he still has to get used to the big change from 2 to 1, but he's already doing great considering that he races with an inferior car. Everyone will see him as they’re finally seeing me. The talent is real and now we’ll show it to everyone.
But what burns and irritates me is not this, people have always spoken badly of me as a driver saying that I was overrated, but I knew that wasn't the case and that by racing I would show it to them; the point that makes me go crazy is that everyone blamed me for Daniel's exit from Red Bull, while now with Kimi and Ferrari that did it dirty in the same way, everyone is quiet.
With Daniel it was my fault, they crucified me like I was an ogre, the cause of his problems. They even went so far as to say that I let him run away because we hate each other and it's impossible to be my teammate. They've said the most bullshit about me, anything to avoid admitting that Red Bull simply prefers me because I'm better, but nobody knows shit since I don't want him to leave.
Now with Kimi though it's not Charles' fault. Nobody even mentions him, the fault is Ferrari's that treated Kimi badly by dumping him in that despicable way without even looking him in the face. Ferrari played dirty, but Charles is the angel fallen from heaven, the Predestined who will save the fate of the Reds that for years now has been struggling more and more to be decent without actually achieving anything concrete.
Charles is the savior, I’m the devil. And yet we’re both simply two extraordinarily gifted drivers who are making their way in F1, in the teams that matter. Nothing more, nothing less. Neither angels nor devils.
But what the fuck do they know? All of them, from the first to the last.
What the fuck do they all know about us?
Go to hell, I hate them.
Full of these thoughts that charge inside me like a bull in front of the red flag, I wander around Singapore in the evening alone like a poor idiot.
Normally when I'm nervous I just need to be with Daniel and everything goes away, but now it's different. Today I arrived in the city as usual a day before the start of the commitments which are always on Thursdays and normally he and I take advantage of the opportunity to wander around the city alone in civilian clothes and do our own thing; if there are reasons why we can't I always leave with someone else who accompanies me.
Today Daniel had commitments with someone from his next team, since Thursday is almost always full it’s difficult to find time for others and it’s not strange to go and break the balls on Wednesday which would be a sort of day off.
I needed to go around alone to let off steam. Of course logistically it’s not very easy because it’s not that I can camouflage myself by blending in with many people similar to me. I’m a Dutchman in Singapore, I’m noticed and even if I’m not one of the best known Tops like Lewis or Seb, the risk is that I’m noticed anyway, especially in the week of the GP.
I could ask to be escorted, sometimes we do it to avoid incidents such as fan attacks, but today I really wouldn’t have had it for anyone, I couldn’t stand even a fly.
I was really happy to know about Charles in Ferrari because I knew he would succeed, I knew it since my path ended in Red Bull. It isn’t this that pissed me off so much, but this difference in consideration between us based on nothing. Nobody knows shit about us, they really don't know anything, but fuck you, they're there judging and profiling us as if they knew everything.
Charles isn’t guilty and he's an angel, I'm a demon guilty of every evil in the world.
It's just started, compared to what my entire career is going to be, but I can't stand and manage and I can't even expect Dani to help me, he's had enough of his own after all. I understand that and I certainly can't expect anything.
So here I am, walking around a city that I've already seen a few other times since I've been racing, but to be honest I'm not even looking at it.
Here I am, wandering through the crowd dressed in normal civilian clothes without any shirt with a sponsor that could easily identify me, I'm not the type to use trick to hide me, but without any revealing Red Bull shirt the first glance is that of an ordinary guy, so I'm pretty safe, especially because my popularity is not too high yet and we're in Singapore, not Holland.
I go to places that I liked in other years, but honestly they don't have the same effect on me. Last year with Dani I had a lot of fun, now it's all anonymous. I had to stay in the hotel to run with SIMs. It's just that Dani always tells me that I run too much, whether in real life or with online races I'm always on a car of some kind and on a track. He says it's good for me to distract myself and do something else and it's thanks to him that I discovered that I also like to ride jet skis. The fact that they’re also races is a detail.
Fuck, I'm pathetic.
Now I'm going back to the hotel to mind my own business! It was the last time we were together here as companions, how could he tell the person who claimed him that he could go with them because he had no commitments? Of course he had. He had me! Aren't I a commitment?
Fuck Max, how old are you? You're not the only one!
Don't worry, it's obvious that I'm not the only one.
I wanted to go back to Gardens By the Bay because I really liked it when I saw it with Dani, we were in civilian clothes and we camouflaged ourselves pretending to be ordinary people, but we were a couple. We weren't ashamed, it was fun. It was beautiful.
Today, however, walking along these splendid walkways in the middle of dreamy botanical settings, it's not the same. I feel like I'm out of place, a complete idiot.
I sigh in discontent and shake my head, sitting in one of the rest corners to look at these huge super trees that are even more beautiful in the evening than during the day.
The lights start to turn on with the setting sun and everything becomes more suggestive, but it still doesn't affect me at all.
I was so happy last year. How did I end up being such a pissed off depressed person? I thought that by leaving my dad’s house and going my own way things would be better, but it seems that I was wrong.
All I need to do is move away a little from Daniel, my source of light and joy, to reduce me to the discontented walking rag that I've always been. The only thing that has always made me feel alive was running in the car, that's why I do it in all ways and at all times. But I'm not just a driver, I don't want to be just that. I did other things with Daniel that made me realize that I was fine even out of a car, and yet today it seems like my last two or three years have been completely erased.
- Max? - as soon as I hear someone calling me with an uncertain and incredulous voice, I roll my eyes before turning around and seeing who it is. It seems to me to be a familiar voice but I'm not sure.
I pretend nothing has happened, if I don't turn around he won't think it's me. However, the voice is now at my side and I have to turn around, but when he calls me again a flash activates my brain.
Wait, I know him.
As soon as I realize it I turn around suddenly as if I had a spring in my neck and without even breathing I stare at him stunned with an idiotic look.
- Charles?
He smiles at me kindly and a little amused by my spontaneous reaction, even if I don't know what could have made him think. His smile, as always, doesn't reach his eyes but by now he has studied it well. He’s always so cordial and perfect. Perfect as I don't know how to describe it.
I look around better and crane my neck to see who he’s with, but to my surprise I don't notice anyone. He doesn't use any tricks to hide either, no hats or strange things, his hair is messy and suits him well, but his glasses and his street clothes, different from my more normal ones, suit him even better. A comfortable white hoodie, loose and baggy jeans. I would never have given him this style outside of racing, but it's the first time I've seen him without some tracksuit or sponsored shirt. It has a strange effect on me.
Anyway, it's true, the stranger someone dresses, the less they are recognized. Sometimes you don't even need hats or giant black glasses or maybe scarves or whatever the hell.
I stare at him impressed from head to toe, cheeky and pleased. I have to say that I like him like this, with this different style from how I've always seen him; that light beard around his mouth suits him damn well and in an instant I think that I like him, but that I think he's a good-looking guy is nothing new, I've thought so for a long time actually. It's just that he’s... wow!
I don't know why I'm suddenly in a good mood, I'm happy to see him and I raise my chin as he sits on the bench with me as if I had invited him. I thought he would run away with an excuse between his teeth, but I'm surprised that he sits here instead.
- Are you alone? - he asks me, surprised. I shrug, returning for a moment to the sullen look I had before, but I cleverly deflect. I don't feel like talking about myself.
- And you?
He shakes his head and points in a direction behind us.
- I'm with Pierre who got lost taking pictures. I told him I was going ahead and to find something to drink because I was dying of thirst!
He says it laughing as if we were friends and often told each other funny things. He seems more relaxed than the other times we crossed paths, but we have never been friends, not so much as to light chatter.
Then I realize what he said.
- You're with Pierre... - I repeat under my breath with a disappointment totally out of my control. I think he noticed because he looks at me surprised.
- Don't you like him? - he asks with pure simple logic. My eyes widen.
- No, what are you talking about? I didn't think you were with him... or rather, I had doubts but I wasn't sure.
I think I talked too much. I think this was a typical thought not to be expressed out loud, but when do I ever keep it to myself?
From his multi-colored face I understand that I really shouldn't have said what was going through my head, but before I realized I had already done it. I didn't even know I was thinking it myself!
Charles stares at me like a goldfish, his face is burgundy and his eyes are wide open. He even gasps because he wants to say something but can't, so I hurry to try to adjust my shot, even though knowing me I will surely end up doing worse. Definitely.
- No, I mean I didn't mean to say... but since you know about me and Daniel I thought you hadn't had strange reactions because you also had a similar relationship with someone and it could certainly only be Pierre...
But to tell the truth I had never thought so much. In general I don't do it, especially about him and Pierre. I had a doubt that day that I don't even remember when it was, but that's all.
Charles looks like someone who bitterly regrets having approached me and would just like to run away, but out of politeness he can't. You don't do it, right? You can't run away like rabbits!
- But we're not together. How did it come... - he can't even finish the question, he's totally in crisis and embarrassed and fuck, he's so damn cute.
I feel like laughing and I do it without holding back, because what do you want it to be now?
I laugh because he's fabulous in the drama and I double over and close my eyes.
- Sorry, I don't know why! You seem close to me! You're always together and you're a beautiful couple, that's all!
It was easy for me. Maybe it was so obvious and predictable that I never thought about it too much because of this.
He's sitting next to me stiff and fucking embarrassed, his hands clenched between his legs, it looks like he has a broom up his ass and he wants to evaporate, but until his non-boyfriend comes back he can't move and is forced to stay with me. God, how much the fuck he regrets having approached me and out of politeness he can't even answer me badly or run away!
See how much it sucks to act like an angel?
- It's not like that, anyway. We're just friends. - he tries to explain stiffly and I'm more and more amused. Damn amused. So much so that I finally realize it. It's the first laugh in how long?
I may have smiled and felt good, but how good actually?
Today for sure not. It's the first time I feel like this and I'm even having fun at his expense. I'm sorry, Charles, but take responsibility for yourself. You just put me back in a good mood, it would have been better for you if I stayed pissed off, maybe you could tolerate me more, but it's really your fault!
I end up fanning my face with my hands from laughing so much and maybe I did it more than what was necessary because I needed it.
Now I definitely feel better and I'm much more lucid.
- So you're not together, huh? - I go back to underlining the thing that is now highlighted in my head and as always I don't keep it to myself.
Charles turns around to see when the fuck Pierre is coming, but there is still no sign of him and meanwhile the sky after sunset becomes a splendid purple twilight. These gigantic trees that tower over the the sky of Singapore lights up blue and the show takes our breath away.
Last year Dani and I came too and we liked it, but today it seems to me that the colors are different, more beautiful and suggestive even if maybe it's because I'm in different company.
Unexpected.
- And Daniel? - he asks me trying to regain control of the conversation, we get distracted by the show that extends in front of us and up in the sky. Hearing his name makes me frown again and then cleverly hide it with a big smile and an excessive pat on his knee that makes him howl.
- Congratulations, by the way! - he stares at me as if I've gone crazy and would really like to slap me back in the face, but it's not one of those things an angel would do so he holds back.
- For what? - he asks tensely and on the warpath. He wonders why the hell he's here, but he is.
- For Ferrari!
We’re not friends, we never were, but in these ten minutes it’s as if we have always been. We behaved like old friends, we teased and laughed at each other. We laughed together, even if I laughed more and at his expense. But he stayed here and is still and I’m happy.
While he looks at me remembering the reason why he’s radiant, even if always within the limits of his faded rays, he smiles and nods, shrugging his shoulders embarrassed.
- Thank you, I’m very happy too. A dream come true. - is what he told everyone, but from the way he says it slowly and looking down, I understand that it’s true. It really is a dream come true. I believe it.
- It’s the Ferrari, it’s difficult to be otherwise. - I underline. When I say it he looks at me closely again and is amazed.
Amazed that finally someone understands.
Only he knows why and what happened, I don’t care, but I see that he’s happy with what I said.
I have no idea what's behind it but the smile he gives is more serene. A little more.
- I hoped so but when something doesn't happen, you never really believe it. - he continues to talk about it sincerely and it amazes me that he does it. Above all, I'm shocked that he stays here with me and doesn't ask me about Daniel again. I know that he noticed that I changed the subject, I know that he had noticed my gloomy face, but he's pretending nothing happened and maybe he doesn't care, maybe he's fine with me chatting like this.
- This is where the difficult part begins. Ferrari is a brutal environment. More than Red Bull and believe me, in Red Bull it's tough. - I involuntarily mention Daniel's drama, he nods and goes back to staring at the increasingly beautiful trees with these lights that stand out in the advancing evening.
It's all so splendid. So simply splendid. This garden, these trees, this atmosphere and him. Him with this blown out hair, his glasses and his angel features that hide a demon.
Because I know it is, actually.
- I know it will be hard, whatever happens around Ferrari or even vaguely connected, it becomes a matter of state. I know it’ll be difficult because it’ll not only be about racing and that alone will be difficult. Zero mistakes, there. It isn’t easy.
He lets off steam a bit and seems to be saying these things for the first time. I nod and listen, understanding perfectly. I agree. I know what he’s saying.
- Just do as you did with me in the go-kart days. - I then say calm and determined.
- Kick your ass? - he answers frankly. I burst out laughing again and he ends up doing the same, but then we look at each other, slowly stopping as our eyes meet at this closeness. We’re almost shoulder to shoulder.
- Bring out that demon that is there under the angel and you will do great!
Charles goes back to curling his lips in a smile that was fading as if by magic. It's always only up to there, it doesn't reach the eyes, but he's so handsome that it's okay anyway.
The sad prince.
We laugh together a little more as if we've always been friends. We never were and maybe we never will be, but today something perfect was triggered, maybe because we were out of our usual context of tensions and anxieties and cars for the first time.
Outside what would we be? I've always wondered. Who knows, maybe we'd be friends, outside of racing. Or maybe even more.
I watch him carefully as he goes back to observing the tall trees around us, I try to understand if I could be with him, if I'd like him and the answer is easy not only because he's really handsome, but because he stimulates me so many things that I really think yes. I'd like to be with him if there was the opportunity and if we weren't both with other guys, nor too involved in racing. Because our relationship has always been negatively affected by cars, because we are both too competitive, but now here in a beautiful park like this, away from the circuits, with no commitments and no one who knows us... well, here we are, having a good time together, laughing and talking. 
Yes, I would like to be with him like this again. I could really do it.
I think the years could go by and things could fall apart between us, but I will never forget this evening, this moment, this chat. This feeling.
Pierre's voice comes from far behind us and Charles rolls his eyes and spreads his arms.
- Hallelujah! Were you lost?
When he says it polemically he does in French, getting up and turning towards him who arrives with two large cardboard cups and two straws containing I don't know what. It's a short sentence that I vaguely understand, nothing special, but it's actually the first time I hear him speak French and I'm totally captivated.
Speak again, please!
Pierre arrives and before noticing and recognizing me, he answers him something about why he was no longer arriving, something I don't understand in detail. Then Charles answers him again in their language, he speaks more and I don't really know what he's saying because I don't understand a damn thing but I know it's splendid. Splendid and exciting.
I love how he pronounces the "r" as well as everything else.
Lovely. It’s simple lovely.
Charles speaking French takes me by surprise and shocks me to say the least, but I think it has just become one of my new fetishes. Just like that.
And just as I realize I'm getting excited for such an absurd reason, Daniel texts me saying he's coming to join me and to tell him where I am.
As soon as he says it something jars, but hit’s immediately chased away and I smile.
The fetish of Charles speaking French finds a more acceptable dimension and I spring up from the bench that had now taken the shape of my ass.
Pierre notices me and greets me cheerfully with enthusiastic handshakes. Starting next year we’ll be teammates. He who is so close to Charles.
Interesting. Really interesting.
- Are you joining us? We were thinking about where to go for dinner... - Pierre is spontaneous and cheerful as always, but I realize at the speed of light that I don't want to mix Charles and Daniel.
It's a completely senseless thought, but maybe I'm dehydrated and it's too hot, so I just say frankly: - Not even dead, I can finally spend some time alone with Daniel and I don't share him with anyone! No offense! - I finish laughing and Pierre is equally amused, proving that as I imagined Charles had told him about me and Daniel, but I had no doubts about this and I'm fine with it, I know I can trust him.
Charles on the other hand blushes again. It's simply delightful when he does it. Usually with me he's either indifferent or pissed off, it's the first time I've embarrassed him and not because he catches me in strange conditions and I really think I'll try to tease him again in the future. I'll also try to make him speak French more often.
Thinking about it, I realize that I absolutely need Daniel, right now, and not to eat.
What the hell is happening to me?”

NOTES: Useless ramblings about the chapter banner: I know that the photos of Charles used in the banner aren’t from 2018, but it was his version that I was inspired by when I was describing him. Granted that I don't know what the temperature is in Singapore during the period in which they are doing the GP, but these are small details. I realized that I never used photos of Max without a hat and now I took advantage of the fact that he was in civilian clothes and in the photo used he was very young.
For the rest I think that if they want they can find a way to go around by themselves pretending to be ordinary people around the cities of the world, but since I’m not famous I don't know how it works! XD See you next time with Charles' version. Kisses Akane