14. ONE STEP FORWARD TWO STEPS BACK

/Max/

“I put my hand in my pocket looking for the magnetic key, but I don’t take my eyes off him. We’re close, we can see each other well enough but not too much.
I raise my eyebrows in expectation, skeptical. I never know the expressions I make just as I never know what I’m going to say because I don’t think first.
- Are you thinking of staying there or do you want to come in? - and this comes out as a malicious invitation. I only realize it after I’ve said it to him. Maybe it’s because before when we exchanged those two words together I had thought of the two of us outside of racing as a couple that could work.
But there are Daniel and Pierre, although the fact that the Frenchman went to his room and not Charles’s makes me think that it’s true that they’re not together.
Suddenly, at this eventuality, a spark of good humor arrives unexpectedly.
The memory of the umpteenth argument with Daniel is put aside for a moment as I put my hand between Charles and the door still standing there as if he couldn’t move.
The BEEP comes, the door opens and he remains stunned staring at me and I don't know why, I don't know what he's thinking and I don't know what's wrong with him, it's always the same strange illegible that he tries to hold back and hide, as if it were a drama to let people know what he feels or what he thinks.
I rest my elbow on the jamb after opening the door that I can't get in because he remains stuck like a statue. A beautiful statue, I must say.
I'm liking him, I think I've intimidated or embarrassed him and I like the idea of ​​having caused something like that in him.
I lean towards his face without thinking, as always acting as I please, pure instinct. He opens his eyes wide, for a moment he doesn't move, but then at the last he steps back and aside.
- Have you been drinking? - he asks as if this gesture of mine could only be explained by alcohol.
I laugh instinctively. Evidently that's how it works with him. I shake my head and stay here. Now the way into the room is clear, but I don't move. I lean against the doorframe and look at him, now less close than before. Too bad.
It was short but intense, as they say. I smile mischievously.
- It seemed to me that you were expecting something. - if you want I'll tell you what, you know I don't need to be asked twice to say what I think. I think Charles is in a drama, but he shakes his head frantically and looks at his room number again, obviously in a haywire. I love the effect I have on him. Do you see that he likes me, in the end? I always thought that he hated me and it irritated me because I liked him, in some way; I never thought about it much, but I knew that I liked him. If nothing else, running against him and the wickedness he puts on the track.
- And you always give others what they expect or what they would like? - he asks incredulously and with a hint of irony, but maybe it's more of a provocation. I love this too. Just like your ‘shit’ in French from before.
It had never happened since I’ve been with Daniel, but tonight I unmistakably liked Charles. Both before when we were briefly together, and now. Him, his beauty and his French. It’s something that perhaps should make me think. If nothing else about my relationship with Daniel.
- It depends... - I answer still low and mischievous, my head resting on my arm bent on the door jamb. He’s still there less than a meter away from me. Moved but well planted. Am I flirting with Charles?
- It depends on whether you argue with Daniel or not? - but the way he says it isn’t in the provocative, exciting way that wants to make you jump on him, it’s the way he implies ‘you disappoint me, I don’t like you anymore, you’re so unserious’.
As soon as I realize this, my disappointment starts along with his. Because that’s what it was. Disappointment. Everything falls apart in an instant.
I disappointed him with my lack of seriousness, or presumed seriousness, and he disappointed me with this superficial judgmental side. You don't know anything about me, don't you dare stick your splendid French tongue in places that aren't yours to use. Only in my mouth, if you want, but not to shoot off shitty sentences.
- You don't know shit about me.
Without thinking about it or doing it on purpose, I blurt out harshly what he had said to me that day when he caught me and Daniel arguing and then kissing.
Charles stiffens and seems to wake up from the dream he was in, he immediately puts on an unreadable mask and, raising his chin, replies coldly: - Yeah, I really don't know shit about you. Goodnight Max.
He doesn't ask me about Daniel, nor does he try to give precious advice like everyone else does.
He just leaves, this time in the right room, not far from mine. He comes in his room without even looking at me anymore and I stay here in front of mine staring at him disappointed, burning and even furious for a moment.
What the hell was that just happened? Were we flirting or judging each other?
Was it a closeness or a distance?
He and I always take one step forward and two steps back. Always. Punctually.
But do whatever the fuck he wants.
Once I walk in and slam the door, I instantly wonder what would have happened if he had kept his mouth shut and hadn't mentioned Daniel. I didn't really want to kiss him, I just wanted to see if he would be there, but he pulled away and even lectured me between the lines.
If only he had been quiet. Well, he had moved away. Yes, but he was still there waiting, almost as if he wanted me to try again, as if he regretted having backed away.
Am I seeing too much?
But in the end, what does it matter? I'm with Daniel, I didn't really want to kiss him!
Okay, I like him in some ways, but I think I only like him because he's a good-looking guy and has this intriguing demon-in-angel-masquerading personality. He's intriguing, but we could never work together.
I'm with Daniel. Even though it's getting harder and harder, I'm still with him. Even if I don't know for how much longer.
But Charles can go to hell, I'm in a mess enough on my own, I don't need him now!

The next day I end up in Daniel's room at seven in the morning, to break his balls with a swooning and powerful sweet breakfast. Traveling around the world so much we try out so many different customs and sometimes we end up adopting them if we like them or if we feel like it.
Today I wanted something sweet and special to make up for it. Besides, carrying two coffees and some croissants is one thing, doing it with the breakfasts we normally have is another. I could order breakfast in the room, but we don't want to put up posters and let people know that we're together. Having breakfast in the room together I think could be weird, I realize that too.
When I enter with my copy of his key, he's still deeply asleep.
I keep as quiet as I can, or at least I try. Until I hit my foot against a chair that overturns and of course the chair had his suitcase on it, which also overturns and makes a lot of noise and I curse in Dutch and almost spill the coffees too.
And fuck my sweet and romantic awakening.
The bedside light turns on and his frowning face, more dead than alive, stares at me as if I had ended up in his nightmare.
I grimace and lift the bag of breakfast and the coffee.
- Good morning? - I try, aware that I have made everything worse.
- Are you asking me? - he answers uncertain and still hoarse. Then with his eyes still half closed and very sleepy, he looks at the time on his phone and then goes back to staring at me, still sleepy.
- Max, are you sick?
In fact, I’m someone who falls asleep late and wakes up just as late, I’m nocturnal, so it’s understandable that he’s surprised by my presence here at this hour.
- Well, I couldn't stay in bed alone... - I say this with a guilty look and at this point Daniel sighs, shakes his head, rolling his eyes and decides to sit up, leaning his back against the headboard.
He's bare-chested, his curly hair is as messy as usual and maybe even more so and he still can't keep his eyes open, but he gives me a smile anyway, even if it's full of sleep too.
I happily approach him, bend down and kiss him making the peace that I should have made tonight instead of trying to kiss Charles just to test him.
What if he had accepted it? Would I have really kissed him?
That's what I thought all night. All of it. And that's why I didn't sleep a damn thing. So at six I woke up tired and went for a run for an hour to then get him breakfast and decide that he could wake up so we could make up and fuck and everything would pass.
Everything, yes.
But everything what?
What the hell did we fight about?
I don't know, I just know that I'm not ready to give up on him again and above all that I want. I want him and to fuck, so since we're still together he has no choice but to please me.
I even brought him breakfast, these are my excuses. Even though I still don't remember what I sulked at him for this time.
Since he told me he was leaving Red Bull I've been getting angry with him for every bullshit, but then we always make up and we end up laughing together anyway. He remains my source of relief and relaxation and serenity.
I go around the bed and open the curtains that let in the light of the sun that is rising at this moment.
The dawn colors us a rosy gold and I stay a while to observe this beautiful spectacle on the waters surrounding Singapore.
It's splendid, here.
- Have you eaten yet? - he asks with his mouth full, I turn around shaking my head and then laugh because he practically stuffed a whole croissant into his mouth without biting it and was also attacking the second one.
- Oh. - he says in fact stopping himself in time from pressing it in together with the other one. I laugh even louder throwing my head back, while I do it I already feel better, as if the cloud that was on my head has dissipated again.
Yesterday I was in a bad mood because of Dani and Charles took it off me, then he put it back on me at night before bed and now Dani has taken it off me.
I'm a bit messed up, I think. Maybe confused. But since I really don't know how to think, I point with my chin to the croissant he put in the bag.
- Eat it... - I say without hesitation.
- Really? - he asks incredulously.
I nod and crawl onto the bed, when I get to his feet I pull the duvet off revealing it, I grab his knees and brutally open them, with this I dive towards his groin answering cheerfully: - Really, I'm going to eat you!
While I bite the inside of his thighs, he laughs with his mouth full and ends up squeaking and moaning and maybe choking, but that doesn't stop me from taking my breakfast.
While I ‘eat’ him, I think about Charles again.
I tried to fake kiss him to see what he did and understand if he likes me or not, I didn’t want to cheat Daniel, I wouldn’t have done it seriously and if he had accepted and come towards me, well, I would have moved away.
Yes, that’s how I want to imagine it would have gone. But nothing happened and in the end that’s what matters. Charles is a bigot who still hasn’t understood that he spends so much time with Pierre because he’s gay and he likes him, but that’s not my problem. I’m certainly not a bigot, I’m bisexual and I like Daniel’s cock.
Beautiful, big and perfect.
I like him because he’s simple and sincere, he’s exactly how he appears, he doesn’t have masks that cover aspects he’s ashamed of. He’s not ashamed of anything and he makes me feel good.
His cock grows in my mouth while I suck, his hand doesn’t touch me because it’s dirty with food, otherwise it would accompany my neck; while I suck without hesitation, I jerk off. The perfect morning, the one I wanted, the one that will straighten my day, as well as my cock. When I feel them pulsating, just before hearing the glorious shot, I stop both with my mouth and with my hand and I turn with the need to feel him inside to have a more intense pleasure. Need, that's exactly what it is. Just like before I decided to make peace with him because I needed it. Need for him, his cock and this pleasure that clouds my brain until it turns it off.
- Max, my hands are dirty... - he says perplexed.
- It doesn't matter, fuck me!
So he grabs me by the hips and finally comes.
When I feel him inside the world blurs and Charles's face slowly takes shape again along with the scene from last night, just as it could have been.
Him who didn't move, us who kissed and then entered my room already open and ending up rolling on the bed and fucking just like Dani and I are doing now. I don't know why but I imagine him fucking me forcefully, bringing out that demon side under that beautiful angel face and he would fuck me without sweetness, bringing out his true aspect.
An aspect that literally drives me crazy.
While I imagine it I come without too many compliments, after a few thrusts from behind. I let Daniel finish while I collapse with my face against the mattress and with my eyes still closed, I remain attached to the fantasy of me and Charles.
It's the first time. The first. It wasn't supposed to go like this. What's wrong with me?
Things aren't going well with Daniel and I'm looking for an escape route so I don't feel like shit when it really ends? Is this what it is? I feel like I'm finishing with him and I'm looking for the next cock that won't leave me alone with the hell inside me?
Oh, but you really suck, Max.
Daniel comes with a louder moan, he squeezes my hips again with his hands and shortly after he collapses on top of me from behind, his lips resting softly on my neck and going up until reach my ear.
- You are forgiven... - he murmurs breathlessly, I feel him smile.
Oh, you wouldn't say that if you knew what I was really seeking your forgiveness for. Not for something I did, but something I wanted to do and maybe I will do.
Well, anyway. I think Charles hates me and disapproves of me and even if he likes me in some way he isn't even aware of it or maybe he doesn't want to accept it and rejects because he's a judgmental bigot, so maybe not.
Maybe in the end it will all be okay and I'll manage not to hurt Daniel.
Maybe.

His ignoring me when he sees me again, comforts me absurdly.
I was counting on it, actually, because if he had tried to talk to fix things, it would have been a mess, but I know him and I knew he would have sulked and ignored me, so he immediately cools me down.
Something happened, I admit, but only in my head that unloaded into my cock. I have been fantasizing sexually about me and Charles and that wouldn't be the problem as much as the fact that I did it while fucking Daniel.
Even I who have no moral compass realize that this is wrong, but my damn good fortune is that Charles hates me.
There could be more, though; I sensed something yesterday, and perhaps I associated it with that strangely correct gesture towards me, when in Belgium he wanted to distance himself from the rumours that were going around about me.
He didn’t defend me in front of the others, imagine if he would ever have done so, but he came to me to tell me that he doesn’t think those shits. The old me, the one before Daniel, would have asked him acidly if he wanted a prize, but the Max post Daniel is different and I appreciated the attempt to maintain a sort of at least decent relationship. Perhaps he’s afraid that on the track I’ll throw him out on purpose imitating his ‘just an inchident’.
Yesterday I was still under that effect and I saw who knows what in his smiles and in the fact that he didn’t pretend not to see me to avoid me. He could have and I think the old Charles would have done it. But old in what sense?
For me there is a Max before and after Daniel, but Charles? I see him as different from before when he hated me openly and without making a mystery, but now he has suddenly shown some openness.
Last night he was there looking at me embarrassed and waiting and I thought he wanted me to kiss him, I tried to understand if that was really the case, because I had a quick intuition. And what if he likes me, in the end? How do you understand if that is the case? By kissing someone, obviously! But it was just a test that didn't go well. That's what it was.
Maybe he was waiting for me to actually kiss him and in the end he simply had more control than desire.
He had several moments in which he was embarrassed with me and it's normal to think that maybe it was because he liked me and maybe that's the case, but his hatred for me is always there and apparently it’s more pronounced than any other presumed nascent feeling, assuming that it really was there and I didn't see things that didn't exist.
However now he has gone back to the old system of 'I hate you and I ignore you, stay away from me'. It makes me laugh, but I'm not an idiot to shoot myself in the balls. I will take advantage of this backtracking, for me it's the best thing. I'm with Daniel, I'm happy with him and he's made my life better, so even though I'm nervous because he wanted to leave and I still feel responsible, in the end what I feel for him is stronger than my stupid selfish obsessions.
The fact that I had fantasies about Charles has nothing to do with it, it doesn't matter. Fantasies are fantasies. I've never had them before and having them all of a sudden is weird, but it's a bit like jerking off to porn. I've never done it since I've been with Daniel, I haven't really needed it, but I think that after a while of being with someone maybe you get used to it and the relationship starts... I don't know, to change in intensity, maybe. Relationships never stay the same at the beginning, but that doesn't mean that something is ruining or ending.
In any case, there's no point in thinking about it too much since Charles goes straight through the whole weekend acting like I don't even exist. If something like this happens again, that is a fantasy about me and other boys, I’ll start to seriously worry, but until then it’ll have been just an isolated thing that I don't have to worry about.
Stop.

With my fingers I lightly trace the surface of Daniel's skin covered in tattoos, he has several scattered around his body, thighs, arms. I'm not a fan of tattoos, but I like some on other people.
What I especially like about his is tracing them with my finger.
He’s lying on his stomach on the bed in peace, outside a classic late autumn storm is raging and seems to take the whole world away. I usually like storms because they tend to reflect my soul, in some way, but today they forced us to stay holed up inside instead of going out on the boat and playing with the jet skis.
There isn't even the Moto GP this weekend and I feel like I'm wasting the little free time we have, but while I think about it with a certain annoyance that can perhaps be translated more into depression and melancholy, I realize that until a few months ago I signed up to stay locked up at home with Daniel doing nothing but fucking and messing around together.
Now it's like it's too tight for me, like if it wasn't enough for me. I feel the need to go out and do something else, fill my days and my time.
With my father it was always all about engines even when there were no races. He made me study old World Championships to learn maneuvers or who knows what. There was always something to do, but the truth is that now that I'm free, thanks to Daniel I've learned what it means to live and I like it. It's just that I feel tight, it's like I feel the need to expand something in my life or maybe... maybe I don't know, change it.
I'm restless and nervous and lately this is growing in me, I'm more and more. It's as if the miracle of Daniel's salvation is fading and now I need another.
Another to save me?
But what went wrong with me?
- What would you like to do? - Daniel asks suddenly. I thought he was sleeping while I was redrawing his tattoos, he usually relaxes until he falls asleep but maybe he senses my restlessness somehow. Well, he knows me well by now.
I half smile and shrug as if he were looking at me. We’re both naked lying on our stomachs all crooked on the bed, the high heating and the music he likes, rock, filling the house.
- I don't know, something...
I never said that when I was with him. I also liked his simple company, even watching some saga or TV series or doing nothing but being together. I liked making him cook because he’s good at it and I enjoyed it that way, being with him gave me a great sense of calm and tranquility, it was as if he were pulling a plug that was constantly inserted, but it was a plug that made contact and short-circuited me.
Now I feel that plug inserted again and he knows it. It's no longer enough for me to have time to spend with him without doing anything.
- But what did you do before you were with me, in your free time?
I shrug and curl my lips down without knowing what to say because that's basically the point.
- Nothing. Before in my free time there was always racing in some way. My father made me study old GPs or something about engines or who knows what! There was nothing else for me. There never was.
Daniel turns towards me twisting with some difficulty for the position, this makes me lose the tattoo I was drawing with my finger and he looks at me surprised, trying to understand if I'm serious.
- Didn't you do anything else? Only things related to engines and racing?
I nod and when I do he realizes something he had never really understood, he’s struck by it and I think I know what it is.
I’m different from the others, much more than I thought and anyone else has ever understood. No one knows how different I am and to what extent. These things can't be changed anymore, they can be modified, but this groove that my father created with me with such care is now indelible.
I have a hole inside that has always been filled only by cars and races, in fact my only pastime is online races. However, I also race as a hobby.
Daniel managed to make his way and that's what made me so dependent on him, I got attached to him for this. He made me discover something else outside of racing, but now knowing that in some way because of me he's changing teams has stopped me.
Maybe I just filled the hole I had with Daniel, but now that it seems like he's about to leave I realize that that hole is still there, empty, and if I don't want to fill it again with cars like before, I have to find a solution but I don't think I'm capable of doing it alone.
Daniel turns around completely and pulls himself up with his shoulders on the headboard of the bed, he extends his arm indicating for me to climb up and so crawling on my stomach I reach him, I snuggle against his chest and he kisses my forehead.
I always feel good with him, but this inner melancholy is there and I realize that rationally it makes no sense to be there.
We’re not breaking up and we’ll not break up, we still live in the same building and he’s leaving for personal career reasons and also so as not to end up hating me and ruining our relationship. In a certain sense he does it to save our relationship, among other things.
Why am I melancholic?
Before I didn't know I was defective, now being with him I understand, but I was happy because he had pulled me out of that horrible and lonely place I was in.
Now though if he were to leave or if we broke up I would go back there with the difference that now I know I am defective.
- You’re just sensitive to the weather, many are. When the sun comes back you’ll see that you’ll be in a good mood again!
He puts it simply and I wish he was right, but I feel that it's not all there.
I’m experiencing this as the end of our relationship, but I realize that it’s not just because by leaving Red Bull he’s also leaving me. In reality I think that between us it’s simply ending and there are no other reasons than this to explain my slow, constant and growing state of restlessness and dissatisfaction. But I can't do anything about it.
Neither of us can.
I think back to when I had the urge to kiss Charles and when I then fantasized about fucking him. I felt attracted to him, I liked him. I can't deny that it’s a symptom and maybe it’s time to start considering it.
Something is running out for me, but I know I'll need to go back and fill myself up with something else as soon as Daniel is gone, only I have no idea what it could be and the idea of ​​having nothing to put in my damn hole terrifies me, so for now I'm just here curled up against his chest and doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. I kiss his collarbone where my face rests and I huff, he smiles and kisses my forehead again. But it's not enough. Nothing is enough anymore.”

NOTES:  Sorry if I sometimes update later, but the fic is mostly already written, the material is there and it's a lot, so barring various commitments the chapters always arrive with an average of one per week or so.
For the lestappen we still have to wait, but as you can see things have started to move in that direction despite the maxiel.
In this first part of the fic we continue to delve into the two main characters properly because I think their background is very important since the fic also talks about their personal growth that intertwines with their relationship. Max's things are inspired by his life and what is known about him, of course then I also added my imagination to enrich and maybe I exaggerated (or missed) certain things. See you next time. Kisses Akane