17. TRYING TO COME OUT OF THE FOG

*2019*
/Charles/

“When I said I wanted to get used to staying ‘awake’ and feeling emotions to feel alive and not go crazy when I happened to have sudden and strong ones, I didn’t mean that.
What the hell am I doing climbing a mountain at four in the morning in the middle of winter?
Damn me when I told Andrea that I needed to feel something stronger, to shake myself up to start waking up a bit.
I didn’t go into detail, even though I had to tell him something. But he took me at my word, he said ‘I understand, I’ll take care of it!’ and so the preparation for the new season, this time, was different.
Very different, I must say.
He took me halfway up the mountain, wrapped me up like a salami in a super padded suit with a thousand thermal things inside, put some climbing rackets in my hand and then said: - Now let’s go up there! - pointing to the summit far away from us!
He was so sadistically happy when he told me. I remained stunned, staring at the climbing rackets in my hand without understanding what the hell he wanted me to do and in the end he literally dragged me and started shouting orders at me that I couldn't avoid. Basically walking, if you can call it that thing that I do more vertically than horizontally.
So here I am, at four in the morning now, towards the top of a snowy mountain, struggling like hell because the difference in altitude must be a thousand!
Why?
Why?
WHY?
While I do it, carefully watching where I put my feet, how I walk and how I move so as not to roll down the mountain, he also lets me know that it's not even a complicated climb, there are worse but this is for beginners. He tells me all boldly: - Hey, don't worry, next year we'll do something more complicated and fun!
At which I muttered: - If I'm still alive!
But I have to say that while I proceed with the cold that stings that little bit of uncovered face and I sweat inside this fireproof suit, I feel very ‘awake’ even though I’m dead tired.
The adrenaline flows in rivers, it’s similar to when I run on the track, but at the same time different. The overall sensation is different and then also the details.
I walk with difficulty and out of breath, I proceed slowly and not at speed. I’m freezing cold, not so hot that I faint like most of the time happens in the car and in racing suits.
There is a huge and well-defined landscape around me, there are a lot of things to see and admire if I look around; I realize I’m in the middle of something colossal. While I’m driving, however, nothing exists, the world is completely erased by the speed, you can’t admire anything at all. Also because if I did, I would crash.
Now I have to go slowly, carefully, pay attention to where I put my feet and breathe well, then I have to use strength, especially in my legs, and precision in my steps so as not to slip. I have to use the climbing rackets to pivot and climb, place my feet well, I can't rush, also because I would run out of breath and faint.
Calm, strength, precision instead of speed, energy and power.
While I do it, while I climb higher and higher following Andrea in front of me, with the light around me that I perceive increasing more and more, inside my own veins I feel adrenaline that is dear to me and makes me feel alive. I am more alive than ever.
The peculiarity is that I’m not in a car, I’m not running, but I’m here and I’m 'awake'.

When I reach the top, after I secure myself in an area where I can rest, I sit down and let myself fall onto the snow that is obviously there up here even if I don't feel it physically because I am so stuffed.
I’m sweaty and panting and I uncover my face looking for fresh air. It comes biting and in a short while I dry myself finding relief, but every detail fades as soon as my eyes focus on what’s in front of me, or rather, around.
My breath is running out of me again, but not because I lost my lungs on the climb.
Now I'm here, literally on top of the mountain I reached with difficulty, the air is very clean and rarefied and it's all silence, immaculate splendid silence, unlike the chaos that always exists on the track. There’s no smell of tires and engines, the air is pure.
What opens up before my eyes is not only the spectacle of the dawn that extends magnificently around us, but it’s also the enormity that surrounds me completely.
Various peaks, some even much higher than ours, extend for kilometers around, peaks of all kinds open into deep valleys and breathtaking scenery full of snow, illuminated by the gold of the newly risen sun.
It isn’t only beautiful, but it’s big. It’s so huge that I feel small.
Everything is scaled down, myself, my problems that tormented me, every thought present or past.
Everything takes on a different perspective, it’s as if everything were insignificant.
This sense of grandeur that hits me and turns my mind off, it's the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. I don't think I'll ever feel anything like this in another way and at another time.
Here, in front of all these peaks, one more immense than the other, I’m nothing and it's simply wonderful.
You don't understand what greatness means until you're on top of a mountain, surrounded by so many others.
Andrea and the companion who guided us are silent like me, they don't say anything and only after a while I realize I'm so excited that my chest explodes. I've never felt anything like this without mourning or extraordinary news in between.
Now nothing has happened, only the wonderful world around me, the fatigue and I'm finally alive and 'awake' more than ever and happy to be so.
I don't know how long it will take me to feel this way all the time even without stimulating myself with extraordinary experiences, but slowly I’ll succeed and so I’ll have control of myself at every moment.
Life is still worth living, it's worth trying and throwing into it, every now and then.
I'm glad I told Andrea about it, he understood perfectly what I told him even if I didn't go into the details of my awakened sexuality that drives me crazy when I'm excited.
I told him that I need to feel alive, to feel emotions without being hit by them like trains when they come to me because of wonderful or terrible news.
I think he understood, because he brought me here showing me that you can feel alive even without any specific reason, just because the world is really huge, beautiful and you've worked so hard in it. I turn to him and smile still speechless, I can't even think of a single concept, I don't know what to say, my mind doesn't convey anything and he smiles nodding, understanding by himself how I feel and what I wanted to tell him, even if I don't know it myself.
I'm in good hands, I have to trust more in the people I surround myself with. I must not be afraid of living, or of people, or of emotions.
One day I’ll make peace with my feelings and my sensations.

In addition to the climbing, I took advantage of the opportunity to spend part of my winter vacation in the mountains skiing since I like it, I came with my various halves, who are Andrea, Joris and Giada. It's normal to go on vacation with my girlfriend, she doesn't come to do all the wonderful activities to prepare for the season that Andrea tells me about, but for the rest we're together.
It's more of an obligation, an obvious thing that we've been doing for almost 4 years now, but let's say that Andrea's special training that he inserted in the middle of my vacation makes me feel more alive. We also did the normal ones at the seaside and on the boat, it was all beautiful and perfect, I liked it, but what I have to say is that being with her now is increasingly meaningless.
I got together with her because at the beginning I was fine with her and I liked her, but our relationship has always been within the range of normality.
I thought that was how life as a couple was. Being comfortable with someone, having sex when we felt like it without any notable frequency, but this never bothered me because sex is always subjective, there are couples who have a lot of it and others who do it less. For me it has always been like this, an added factor, not an essential thing. If there was the desire on both sides and the right moment, we did it, otherwise not because we slept together we were forced. We have never been one of those couples who have sex every day and she has always been fine with it. We’re simply made this way and I thought it was normal for me.
I’m not one of those who always have sex on their mind, or at least I thought I was, but when I entered F1 something slowly started to move in me, I started to come out of my foggy life every now and then and in the few moments in which it happened I realized that it isn't exactly as I thought. It's not that I’m a type like that, quiet and not very interested in various pleasures. I have simply never been stimulated to experience them, which is different.
Just the kisses with Pierre and that brief but intense exchange of orgasms were more than what I've ever experienced with Giada.
The gay fantasy with Max, then, only opened my eyes more.
I simply entered a new phase, a phase where I need to experience what I've always deprived myself of. Basically my adolescence.
In other words, it's not that I don't like sex, I like it instead. It's just that I had never done it the way I liked, I had never understood what it had to be like to really want it.
Now I don't want to become obsessed, also because trying with Giada, especially on this holiday together, I understood that I could no longer keep my eyes closed.
It's not her per se, it's just the wrong gender. That's all.
Luckily I didn't go on a foursome holiday with Pierre and his current girlfriend like we wanted to do, we had an intuition that we didn't talk about.
We've both changed towards each other and in the fase I entered, the gay phase if we want to give it a name, or the sex phase, we would have ended up jumping on each other. Also because I think that he too has recently realized that he likes me in that sense, but I assume that like me he doesn't want to ruin our friendship, consequently no one wants to go further.
If we had taken a vacation together as we had aired some time ago it would have been a mess, I know it very well.
Now I have had the opportunity to clear my thoughts even more with Giada. I’m fine as I’ve always been and sex is there if it really has to be, even if it’s not exciting, otherwise it’s not a pressing need or a constant desire. Sex life, although it varies from couple to couple, is still an indicative factor for understanding the relationship.
I don't know if this phase of mine will last or if it’ll pass and if it can pass I don't know how to make it happen, maybe I should just satisfy myself and that's it. Try, do everything and get it out of my head. I fear that even by stubbornly insisting on the path that I consider best and easiest, that is the one with girls, Giada in this case, I’ll only make it worse.
The more I have sex with her, the more I think about Pierre or Max, who are the only two about whom I have had certain instincts. Now I can get hard almost only if I think about them and it's not good. It makes no sense.
Maybe I should leave her and take some time for myself, be alone, understand clearly what I want and why not, experiment this side of me that I have always ignored. Probably until I listen to it, it’ll not pass. If it can pass.
I could also go on like this forever, be with her or with another girl without getting excited or living with crazy passions, but would that be life? Now that I have decided to come out of my fog so as not to go crazy when I find myself out of it by force majeure, staying with Giada or another girl who has the same effect on me, I think would be counterproductive. More than anything it pushes me to stay inside that fog.
I look over at her lying in our bed in the mountain cabin we rented for this week with Andrea and the others. The depressing music I listen to almost all the time now is playing in my ears from the AirPods, it doesn't matter what genre it is but that it's depressing, as I call it. Sad ballads, whether they're pop, rock or who knows what else doesn't matter. They’ve to be melancholic.
I've been in this depressed mode since Jules died, he threw me into it and I've never gotten out. I love music so much and whenever I can I listen to it isolating myself, but if I try to put on something more rhythmic or cheerful I’ve to change immediately. The only thing that has caught on is this tear-jerking stuff.
It reflects my soul. I know that music works like this. When I feel like something more cheerful and lively I'll know that I'm fine. For the moment, no. I'm not fine.
I sigh and turn my head, she’s asleep after the walking we did today through various passes and plateaus, less demanding than the ones Andrea made me do at night, I can't rest and I stayed up there listening to music and thinking. The landscape I see from the window brings me back the calm and serenity of when I was on top.
The effort was excruciating, but in the end the wonder of that immensity, on the roof of the world, opened my mind and soul. If it weren't so exhausting I would do it more often, but my leg muscles still hurt, in fact today I didn't do much and I regret it.
With the excuse of tiredness, we didn't have sex and she was fine with it. She didn't try to convince me.
It’ll end like this, without too much drama. At the moment I don't think it makes sense to stay with her and I have to think about myself, about my real needs. If one day I make peace with myself and fix my inner messes, maybe I'll even find a way to be with a girl and why not, start a family, have children. These are things that everyone wants, it's human nature, but not at the moment. I'm not even thinking about it. It's absolutely out of the question.

I had underestimated the Ferrari issue to focus on myself and my path, but as soon as the holidays officially end and the new season begins, I start realizing a lot of things that I hadn't taken into consideration.
First of all, Sebastian Vettel.
Pierre had tried to tell me, but that time I had silenced him because he wanted me to spy on him and Lewis, but his basic concept wasn't wrong. I didn't understand well.
Now that I'm setting foot in Maranello for the first time as an official Ferrari driver, I understand what he meant.
From this year I’ll be Sebastian's direct colleague. That's no small thing.
Leaving aside the fact that I’ll be in the Ferrari environment that made me so crazy when I signed and I hope I’ll be there for a while. Leaving aside the fact that this could therefore mean that I’ll probably be much more excited than that I’ve ever been in 21 years and that I’ll have to learn to get used to strong emotions faster than I imagined and that maybe yes, in the end I’ll succeed thanks to this, to being in Ferrari, the place of my dreams, the place of promises, the place where dreams come true.
But Sebastian Vettel is one of those drivers, like Lewis Hamilton, who aren’t only among the most successful in F1, who have made a lot of records and are still active, but have that special aura that puts something inside you.
I’m not seeing him now for the first time obviously, last year at the start of the season I met him straight away in the hotel and in any case we were both in F1, for example. Then at the end of the season there were the final tests with the new teams for everyone, for the following season, so it isn’t like meeting him for the first time, but everything has always been a bit fast and chaotic and not very real. I’ve always experienced him as a guest, as an outsider or fleetingly.
Now I’m here in Maranello to officially and truly prepare for the season as a protagonist and give my contribution and I’ll do it with him, elbow to elbow, with someone who has won 4 F1 world championships and has made record after record of every kind.
Seeing him every now and then is one thing, being here next to him with the same red jersey is another.
He’s different, very different, but I really didn't imagine it and the new shot of life that I receive is precisely for him. Inadvertently and unexpectedly.
When he arrives everyone hears him, he makes a lot of noise because he greets with contagious cheerfulness in Italian even if with a strong German accent. He brings a tray of cakes and croissants for everyone telling them to come and have breakfast together and to put on the coffee. He seems used to all this, it seems to be his habit, but it isn’t only this that strikes me, but rather the cheerfulness and brightness that he brought as soon as he set foot in the official Ferrari headquarters.
Everyone dropped whatever they were doing and went to meet him to greet and hug him and he smiled joyfully at everyone, going to look for those who weren't coming, I watch him as he moves with ease among the people who come forward, hands, hugs, smiles and pats.
He’s enthusiastic and has passed the same enthusiasm on to everyone, from the time they were focused on their work and barely noticed me, to the time they lit up. It's as if he had inserted a plug.
I didn't think I would find myself staring at him in a daze and when he comes and notices me, he lights up considerably. His blue eyes slap me, reminding in an instant of what I had noticed last year in Melbourne, they’re brighter than Max's, but still extremely similar. Stunned, I shake his hand, but he hugs me suddenly. I instinctively stiffen because I don't like hugs in general. I only tolerate them from very few. Seb lets go of me immediately but holds me by the shoulders and looks at me more carefully, always with a beautiful smile.
- Welcome to Ferrari, Charles! Sorry for the hug, I'm a very physical guy! I'll try not to bother you! - he speaks to me in English and immediately makes me laugh, but he talks about it immediately, clarifies and turns a question that could have caused tension into something silly. Instead, everything is swept away and I find myself stupidly smiling shyly and shrugging my shoulders.
- It doesn't matter, you don't have to apologize. Welcome to you. I'm very happy to be here!
But maybe I don't sound convincing. As soon as I say it and try to smile, I realize that my face has something strange because I see it in his crystalline eyes. I've never seen a more clear and sincere look than this. Seb speaks honestly to everyone, but his eyes do it even more.
I didn't smile with my eyes, I know I can't, but that doesn't mean I don't do it. It's polite, I have to smile, especially to such a warm welcome.
- Come on, you'll get used to it. You’ll soon discover that this is a family, if you have any problems or doubts you must speak up immediately. I’m here for anything! We’ll do great things. - speaking like this he leads me to a room where everyone has gathered for breakfast and I suppose the first official meeting of the entire team, they were only waiting for him who made them wait, but from the tray it’s clear why. Many make fun of him saying exactly this and it makes me laugh.
He’s so charismatic that whatever he says, even the most idiotic, everyone hangs on his every word and I also realize that I’m in that condition. I listen to him as if he were a guru even if he’s not the Team Principal or a Chief Engineer. He’s only the first Ferrari driver, a great champion, but it took me very little, maybe not even 5 minutes, to understand that he’s also a wonderful person.
It’s not only the contagious optimism and positivity that he transmits to everyone, it’s that he simply shines and it’s a characteristic that not many have.
Before the briefing really starts, we have breakfast and there’s someone who churns out coffee in the espresso machine that I suppose an Italian factory cannot be without.
Seb is very cheerful with everyone and explains everything to me, like for example the coffee of which he’s an avid fan and woe betide if some hotel even on the other side of the world doesn't make him an Italian espresso.
Everyone loves him, everyone stares at him as if he were a God, there isn’t one who’s on his own or who’s exasperated by his exuberant ways and I find myself here, in this moment, while I try to keep up with them showing off on my own initiative my good Italian that I hope to improve, happy to surprise Seb in particular.
It’s here in the middle that I think: this is what I want to become.
Not in terms of character, but in terms of charisma and personality. I want to be like that. That winning and positive driver who manages to bring everything and everyone together. That person who has done so many excellent things as a driver that no matter what he says, they listen to him.
That person that everyone is waiting for and that when he arrives changes the mood in general.
The inspiration I receive from Seb hits me unexpectedly and I see myself like this, in a few years, the first Ferrari driver who supports another, maybe younger, I am the gravitational center around which all the others revolve. Not out of egocentrism or desire for success, but simply because he’s the person I want to become.
Just like him, successful and charismatic, but above all alive and happy.
And who knows, maybe even in love.
The flash of him and Lewis sneaking around Singapore like a couple exchanging a tender kiss on the cheek, comes back to me at the speed of light.
They were so good together, I want to be so good with someone too, to be happy like they were. I want to be like that.
I want to get out of the fog.
Who knows if I’ll succeed, maybe by letting his positivity influence me a little.
Who will I find out there in the fog waiting for me when I get out?
Two more blue eyes come to mind. Deep sea blue, dark, generally pissed off or malicious.
Recovering, I return to the lighter and brighter ones of Seb who asks me for Italian lessons, to which the other Italians comment that he can ask them and soon a delirious conversation begins without head or tail, at which everyone laughs happily.
It starts from here and I think that one of my ‘therapies for living’ is right here, in Maranello.”

NOTES: still in Charles's foggy world, a Charles who is increasingly aware and trying to react and heal himself. However, he doesn't know that he’s still at the beginning of his long journey and that he’ll find help in many things and people and that some of these he would never imagine. 
For those who read me for the first time: in the long fics at the beginning I dwell a bit on the characterization and on the rendering of the characters, but obviously not the whole fic is like that, when I have painted them well the interesting things and the related messes will arrive. I'm writing chapter 115 and I'm not at the end, but it’s absolutely certain that it’ll have its conclusion. I don't think I still have a lot to write honestly, as soon as I finish you will know. 
In the chapter banner: she is Giada, his girlfriend from that period and the photos of the mountain if I'm not mistaken should be from that period (winter 2018/19). The photos in Ferrari and with Seb are taken from the tests, I didn't find anything from Charles's first day in Maranello but we'll settle for that. 
It’s also true that Andrea makes Charles prepare for the season by making him climb mountains at night, but I don't know what year they started, I assumed with the arrival in Ferrari a more severe preparation could be plausible. 
Then as I always say: I take things from reality, I add others and I fictionalize everything so I'm not writing about true things even if some of it is. Thanks for your attention. Kisses Akane