18. PIECE BY PIECE

/Max/

“Having Pierre in front of me is the strangest thing that has ever happened to me.
I raced against Charles for most of my childhood and adolescence, he was always my direct rival if not the only one, in the karting days, but then once we moved on to single-seaters we lost sight of each other professionally speaking. Now we’re both here, but last year I almost never crossed paths with him, he worked miracles in Sauber, but he was never competitive with me. This year in Ferrari he’ll certainly be another thing.
The closer the moment of facing him gets, the happier and more excited I am. I can't wait to resume our interrupted conversations. The last time I beat him and I know he hasn't forgotten, because he can ignore me as much as he wants because he doesn't like me, but I know he hates that I'm on top of him and as soon as he gets the chance he'll put a spoke in my wheels.
I can't wait for that moment to actually arrive, I want it like crazy.
I had so many interesting races and close battles in F1 and I'm happy to race, I'm also finally convinced to take this path for myself, to make my dream come true and not my father's.
But this year with Charles in Ferrari it's different for me. I know that on the track I'll have fun again like in my karting days.
The excitement, day after day as the first official race of the year approaches, is high and when in Milton Keynes I meet Pierre as my new teammate, I find myself thinking about Charles again, wishing only to have him back in front in his beautiful flaming red car, trying to overtake and beat me while I do the same.
It's inevitable to think about him when I'm with Pierre, at least for me.
That idiot hasn't spoken to me and ignores me since Singapore and he does, he only does it with polite words. An annoying cordiality that he foists on everyone. But I'm not everyone and I know very well what happened that day.
I don't know why, but he was different and we looked at each other in another way. We liked each other, there was attraction and embarrassment on both sides and that evening, in front of my room, he was waiting for me to kiss him, but when I tried Charles moved and shit himself. But the fact that he didn't have the balls to stay still and let me kiss him, doesn't mean he didn't want it. He just ran away from that desire.
Maybe that evening he was high. He was out with Pierre, maybe they were celebrating the recent signing with Ferrari.
The very fact that they were out alone like a couple and that he denied being one, left me perplexed. At first I didn't believe it. You can see that they have a special relationship, even a blind person could see it, but I remember that that evening they didn't go into the same room. Maybe he did it on purpose. Daniel and I were there. Even if Charles knows about us, it doesn't mean he wants us to know about them.
With Pierre I get the hang of it right away, in reality the opposite is difficult, he’s so different from Charles.
He's absolutely sociable and cheerful, very easy-going and you end up chatting with him easily. The relationship is immediately good and you can tell that he’s the type who if you ask him a question, can't help but answer honestly.
If I asked him, I could believe what he says. He’s not a rigid and controlled little shit like Charles. Pierre certainly doesn't keep his mouth shut.

It doesn't take me long to attack and make my move.
I take advantage of one of the things organized by Red Bull before the actual start of the season, in this case we’re in what is called 'Bulls on Ice' an event on February 4th in Biddinghuizen, Holland. I think it’ll be fun because it’s held on an ice track in the middle of the snow and we’ll race on go-karts. So I expect to easily go back to being that child who never grew up, especially because on the other side there’s a person who not seems much more adult then me.
It doesn't take me long to understand Pierre even if we have never had much to do with each other. I used to go to Charles's races in karting, while Pierre was in other ones, then when I switched I have never met him.
When he moved to Toro Rosso there were more occasions in which we were together, because Red Bull and Toro Rosso often organize events together for their drivers, it’s not frequent but it happens, so I already knew what type of guy he is and we had already found ourselves laughing together insanely, obviously helped a lot by Daniel.
So it’s easy to connect with him for what’s necessary, especially because we’re 'away from home' and as is customary for certain daily events, we arrived the day before staying together in the same room.
In F1 you almost never sleep together, but it can happen if there're extra events outside of the race weeks. Daniel and I have taken advantage of many of these, I’ll also do it with Pierre although not in the same way I took advantage with Daniel.
I think inevitably to him, about the times when they put us in a room together because it was a two-day thing and they palmed us off with a cheap double room instead of one with two single beds. We’ve been through everything in these years together, few compared to the ones I would have liked to do.
It was fun, we were carefree, we were crazy and reckless and we threw ourselves in. So many fucks on those occasions.
I smile wistfully with a loud sigh, while I look at the room so similar to the ones we used before. The large bed in the center, the French window that looks out onto a balcony overlooking the surrounding landscape that smells of mountains. Today there’s snow everywhere, it’s wonderful, even if it’s cold. With Daniel we would be throwing snow at each other and freezing and then taking a hot bath together.
- Is everything ok? - his gentle voice comes to my senses and I look at him, widening my eyes with obvious shock at having him here with me and not Daniel, I smile forcefully and perhaps I’m too expressive as always.
- Yes... I was thinking back to the first time in a room similar to this one with Daniel... - I seize the opportunity. I sit on the bed without looking at him, then at his silence I turn and look I presume with a bit of a challenge, as if to push him to criticize me or make derisive faces. I’m ready for anything, for a moment. But he smiles lightly and shrugs his shoulders, sitting on his side.
- I imagine you miss him... - he says delicately, jumping on the bed to see how soft it is. His voice doesn’t betray any negative impressions, on the contrary. He’s really gentle. So, without realizing it, I feel like I’m falling into his trap even if I don't think he had planned it.
- A bit... I didn't think so, actually. We haven't broken up, but ever since I found out he wanted to leave, I took it personally, thinking he wanted to run away from me. We told each other that it's not like that, but I think I'm actually taking it really badly.
I didn't want to pity him or be pitied, as soon as I speak I realize I did it too much and I curse myself for not thinking a damn thing before opening my damned too big mouth that gives great blowjobs.
- I think you just need to get used to the new arrangement, right?
I should take advantage of it, I really should, it's the right time, but I feel backed into a corner. I'm an idiot. I feel like someone dumped by his boyfriend, but I feel like I'll be the one to leave him as soon as I find the courage. Because once I understand something, I can't drag myself along. I'll end up talking to Daniel even if I don't want to hurt him.
- And you? - I suddenly blurt out, drastically changing the subject, as is my style when I don't want to talk too much about myself.
He's behind me and I don't look at him, but at his silence I turn around twisting all over as if I were doing back stretching, at the same time he turns around too, more slowly and with a dazed and cautious expression.
- Me what? - he asks light. There's something to say that he doesn't know if he can and he's trying to figure out if I already know, so it’ll depend on how I play it.
- With Charles? Do you miss him? You were never teammates, so I know it's different, but... - but I'm getting so fucking tangled up, you idiot!
I'm thinking about how to fix it but luckily he easily falls into my trap, blushing.
His face takes on so many shades of red that I've just found my answer and I jump up like a spring to get a better look at him ready to attack, but there's a knock at the door. As soon as I hear the voice of the person who accompanied us and who is contributing to the Red Bull event, I curse rolling my eyes and Pierre takes advantage of the situation to jump up and go to open the door. Of course they tell us it's time for dinner and to go if we're ready, to which Pierre quickly nods saying that we are, takes the phone and slips away as if I had just molested him.
I remain looking at the open door in front of which Marina is staring at us perplexed.
- What did you do to him? - she asks me.
I shrug.
- Absolutely nothing! - but I realize by myself that I'm not convincing and she shakes her head and precedes me outside.
Well, dear Pierre, the conversation is only postponed. Know that!

The night is even better because after dinner it sees us sitting on the terrace sipping a local beer. I'm not an alcoholic or I wouldn't be able to have such returns at work and above all my father would kill me, but I don't disdain a drink every now and then if it's possible and there's the opportunity.
Now it's possible since tomorrow we have to get on the go-karts for an unimportant event and in any case it’s just a beer.
We settle down on the terrace where there are two comfortable chairs with the backs that go down a bit, a small table in the middle to put the drinks on and here we are, together, with our legs stretched out in front of us watching the darkness that extends with a disturbing intensity. We’re wearing jackets because in early February in Holland it’s really cold. The breaths condense and around us we don't see any lights. There's no life here and consequently everything is completely quiet. Otherwise we would have gone out, maybe, although I don't know if Marina would have allowed us. Tomorrow we start early because it gets dark early and then the cold demolishes us. I already realize that without daylight it's impossible to stay, in fact laughing I comment on the idea of ​​a cold beer.
- Maybe a hot tea would have been better!
Pierre laughs, he seems more relaxed. Maybe he thinks I've forgotten about that interrupted conversation; at dinner I was surprisingly cheerful and I made him laugh and he contributed without holding back.
- Maybe yes! - we both laugh and so after I've eased the tension that hadn't been there for a while anyway, I make circles with condensed breath. Obviously I do shapeless balls that compete with Pierre's even more shapeless ones.
- But why the hell are we out here, may I ask? You can't see a damn thing, it's all dark for endless expanses, the cold is killing us...
Pierre starts complaining and I can't help but agree with him, so I leave the beer outside, which although good is really too cold in this cold and would end up with congestion, and I get up quickly and go in as if I were in a race. Seeing that I'm running inside, Pierre doesn't need to be asked twice and with a: - Oh finally! - he imitates me, closing the glass door behind him.
The heat of the room slaps us and we laugh like idiots, remaining still for a while to warm our red cheeks and noses.
- I don't know, the final beer seemed like a good idea! - I defend myself laughing and he shakes his head.
- I'll come up with the next good idea, okay?
With this I nod and hold out my hand to him which he hits in according to me while we laugh again.

In the end I only hang up once we’re in bed and I’m completely sure that he has relaxed and forgotten that nice tactical question.
Both of us in our pajamas and lying under the warm duvet of the bed, I turn towards and watch him as he changes the channel on the television in the hope of finding something interesting to watch, maybe a match of his beloved PSG. For the rest, everything in the room is dark, there’s only the dim light of the television. I’m totally uninterested in that, I’m staring with impunity at Pierre and his beautiful regular profile, his delicate and pleasant features. I think he’s a handsome boy and he likes to take care of himself. Now he has done a few light highlights on his brown hair, he keeps a little beard on his face that suits him and he’s really a handsome boy. Definitely more than Daniel. But that's who I jumped on that time.
And it’s Charles that I tried to kiss without success. Well that is not a reliable comparison, Charles is handsome. He’s really handsome. It doesn’t count. And not even Lewis because he's handsome too, but maybe it's just taste.
In any case I agree that Pierre is handsome too, but I wouldn't kiss or fuck him.
- You're creepy Max. Either you tell me what the hell you want from me or I'll suffocate you with a pillow! Know that I can't sleep if someone stares at me!
But he's definitely not Charles even if they’re very close, because Charles would have ignored my staring at him, but he instead emphasizes it and faces it head on.
At this point I do a damn smile while I remain lying on my side facing him shamelessly. I realize that it seems like I'm hitting on him, but it's not like that.
- Are you with Charles?
Direct. More direct than ever, more than before, more than I thought I was.
Well, that’s just how I am. I never control myself, I don't filter.
Pierre opens his eyes very spontaneously and I laugh, he's not very good at self-control either!
Finally I take the remote from him and turn off the TV, throwing it on the nightstand, I push myself up on my elbow and rest my head to look at him better. He stays there for a while, staring at the blank screen, hoping for a miracle, but this time it doesn't come.
After a bit of silence, Pierre turns around with his eyes, he looks terrified and I have this evil smile plastered on me.
For a moment I realize that I'm literally in bed with Pierre even though I'd like to be in bed with Charles and I wonder how he would react to knowing about us like this.
- No, why are you so obsessed with this thing? - he finally answers me.
- Oh, and did it take so long to say it? - I reply amused as if it were no big deal. For me it really isn't, but I read his expressive face so well that I understand even what he doesn't want to tell me. But you'll end up doing it.
- Not everyone talks easily about certain things.
- Only if in reality you're crazy about him and you don't want anyone to know!
BAM! MAMMA MIA HOW BRUTAL I AM!
His eyes are even more in the drama and now he turns completely towards me to understand if I'm serious. I am. The fact that I laugh like an idiot doesn't mean I'm not.
- But... what the hell are you saying? Did you drink all that beer?
- Oh come on, why does everyone think I'm drunk if I say or do certain things? - I jump up feigning offense, Charles had said the same thing that night when I tried to kiss him.
- Because you look drunk! Normal people don't say or do certain things! - he scolds me hysterically more to turn me off. But I remain calm lying on my side staring at him without letting go of the point of the matter.
- So let me understand. You've been childhood friends, you have a crush on him but you're not together, right? - and these are just the concrete facts. Then there are the ones that Charles doesn't reveal to anyone and we can't know them.
Pierre bites his lip and when he's about to hurt himself, he attacks with his nails that he'll probably end up bleeding. He nods and admits it.
But he can't speak, so I continue very satisfied with this result of mine.
At least I made it clear that Pierre likes Charles but that they're not together.
Yeah good, and now what do I do with this precious information?
I'm always with Daniel and then Charles would never be with me, he hates me. He had some brief flashes of good disposition towards me, but maybe he was high.
- And him? - I ask anyway even though I know it's stupid to do so.
- How the fuck do I know, ask him! - his answer is shrill but I think he hopes I do. I giggle and imagine the hypothetical scene.
- Actually I've already done it. In Singapore when I caught you two out and I asked him if you were together and he said no.
I vaguely remember the conversation, but I know that was the gist of it. He answered me in a way that wasn’t at all convincing.
Pierre opens his eyes wide again and stops torturing his nails and cuticles that are bleeding and now he sucks.
- And why did you ask him? - he's not surprised by his answer, I notice it right away.
- Because you seem to be. You have a relationship that stands out. - I explain immediately with extreme ease.
I don't know if he's blushing, now it's really all dark, we see each other as shadows with outlines, but we don't really see each other. We stay still as we are until Pierre slides down with his back and lies on his side towards me. I lower my arm and make myself more comfortable with my head on the pillow. I glimpse the light of his clear eyes, he must be excited by this speech.
- Do we really seem so?
- Aren't you surprised by his answer?
Pierre shakes his head.
- I know well what Charles feels and thinks. He's not ready to take this step with me. He's close to taking the big step, a part of him would like to, but then he's always held back and I can't force him. These are things that have to happen on their own.
In the meantime I don't agree, I'm someone who forces the hand, but it's a question of ways of being. In any case, what makes the hairs on my body stand on end is the revelation that they came close.
Close in what sense?
In an instant I have to know. I absolutely have to know what happened.
- How close?
My mouth moves before I can realize whether it’s really right asking him these indiscreet questions. Who the fuck are we to each other? Why would he tell me?
Pierre isn’t that tough after all and opens up easily, almost as if he couldn’t wait to do it.
If only you knew that I actually tried to kiss your non-boyfriend.
- Well, a few kisses, but only in moments when he was out of mind because of news that shocked him. Once when he was in mourning for his father and the other time this year when they told him they were taking him to Ferrari.
When he says that a light bulb goes on in my head. Pierre is talking much more than I had hoped and I don’t even have to encourage him, but in my mind everything opens up, the picture is forming and I’m understanding what until now was a mystery.
That night he was really as excited as I had imagined. For Ferrari. He had just signed.
- Oh, so Charles is like this. If he's out of his mind he becomes harassing? And why? Even if he were gay, this doesn't seem normal to me...
I don't know how Pierre doesn't ask me what the fuck interests me, he doesn't ask questions, he simply answers.
- He's starting to get to know this side of himself. He never lived his adolescence because he was always focused on racing, he wanted to make his father and Jules proud and so he always suffocated himself. But he always suspected he had tendencies, he liked Jules in that sense but he never wanted to look into it further. He suspected it, but then... well, you know how it went.
When he mentions it and reveals this detail to me, it's as if another piece fell into place.
- And he's only realizing he has tendencies now? - It seems strange to me, but evidently there are late ones. Not that I was more precocious. Maybe there isn't a right age to understand certain things about ourselves.
- When he eases the tension because strong emotions start, he loses his mind and can't control himself. He lets himself go. A part of him wants to live this side of himself that he has always repressed, but his head never leaves him alone. 
Pierre's explanation of Charles is so beautiful and complete that it’ll probably save me months and months of studying, but then I realize that I'm acting as if I've identified a prey to attack. It’ll never be like that because he doesn't like me.
That night I was just in the right place at the right time. That's all.
- What a strange guy... - I comment softly, my gaze wandering in the darkness of the room, beyond Pierre's prone figure. He smiles.
- You can say that out loud.
Then I realize how it started.
- So with you just a few kisses and that's it? And then?
He shrugs his shoulders dejectedly on the subject, he's full of hope about it and it makes me feel tender. Even if I had the chance with Charles, maybe I shouldn't.
Anyway, I'm with Daniel, for now, so it's all a useless discussion. Especially now.
- Well, he did a little hand job on both of us.
When he says it with a slightly embarrassed voice I wonder for a moment why he doesn't tell me to fuck off, but then the meaning of what he said prevails and I push myself up on my elbow in shock.
- Really? But then he knows very well that he is, it's not like he's realizing it now! And then how can you say that you're not together?
Pierre pushes me with his hand on the face landing abruptly in wrestling style and silences me with his hand over my mouth.
- No, we're not together, it's complicated and if you don't shut up I'll suffocate you! - he finally puts me right. Not that I like it, but I was wondering how long it would take him. I think he really needed to talk to someone and he didn't know who. But my dear, you did it with the guy who could one day be your rival. Because I know myself and I know that when I get fixated on something or a person I end up doing it sooner or later and getting it or in this case him.
I take his hand off my face laughing and stay.
- And you, on the other hand, know very well that you have tendencies?
- I'm gay. I've always known it very well, I think. I can handle it, I always have a girlfriend by my side. I'll never come out, but for me it's not a problem. It's him who thinks he can't live certain things about himself.
I look up and shake my head.
- After all, it's different for everyone, we can't really argue. - he adds immediately. I nod and shrug a shoulder.
- Yes, yes of course... but it seems pretty clear to me that he likes you and that he's just trying to find the courage to jump on you for real and get together with you. It's obvious that you have a certain relationship.
I repeat what I told him before as if to say that I was right, he sighs dreamily and makes me smile and then he concludes with an emotional: - Who knows!
From now on we try to sleep and we don't talk about it anymore, I'll never tell him that that night something happened between us and he was waiting for me to kiss him and that I almost did. I'd hurt him and suddenly Pierre isn't one of those I'd want to hurt, just like Daniel. So in the end nothing happened and it was okay.
But as I turn away pretending to sleep, I realize that this burning in my chest is jealousy and annoyance.
Why were there no problems with Pierre? Charles kissed him, he was excited and he did it. He was excited with me that night, I was about to kiss him and he didn't accept. But then how does it work?
Isn't it normal that only if something happens to him that makes him lose his mind does he give in to his true instincts? Well, instincts that lead him to Pierre and not to me.
Give up Max. Even if I wasn't with Daniel, nothing will ever happen with Charles. It's his precise choice. Not even if he's crazy, he's with you. That's just how it is.
So make peace with yourself and move on or you'll make a fool of yourself.
Yes, that's exactly what I'll do. Also because what do I care?
I have Daniel!”

NOTES: The odd couple, put together just to talk about Charles. I needed Max to find out some intimate details about Charles and he could only find them out from Pierre taking advantage of that time they were teammates. I also looked to see if they had an event together before the season and I was lucky. I tried to write Max's POV coherently and consider the things that Max knows about Charles and see them as he would, because we know that Charles also had erotic fantasies about Max, but Max doesn't know it and thinks that he hates him and that's essential. See you next time. Kisses Akane