3. FIRST STEP IN THE DREAM

- July 8, 2016 -
/Charles/

“I look up at the completely clear blue sky lit by a splendid sun that reflects my mood, as I go through the turnstiles at Silverstone with my pass together with my father who accompanies me as always. My nerves are really tense and I don't hear what he says to me even if I think I'm answering him, but a great moment is about to arrive even if I repeat to myself obsessively that my life doesn't really change today. I know it's not good to be so excited, I have to be cool and clear-headed if I want to do well, but I think it's inevitable when driving in F1 for the first time.
Luckily in May, when I got my license, I already drove the Ferrari in Fiorino, otherwise now I would be playing the rookie and it would be unbearable for me.
However today is still an important step forward, I'm about to do my first free practice in an F1 GP, I will drive a Haas here at Silverstone.
It's all so exciting that I feel electric and as I walk around the Paddock I try to clear my thoughts before arriving at the Haas garages; it's starting soon, the F1 drivers are about to arrive.
I know I have to make a good impression, even if it won't be decisive for my future. If today were to go badly for reasons unknown to me, I’ll have other opportunities to convince the Team Managers to bet on me and in any case, having entered the Ferrari Driver Academy program was probably the best move for my future. This is why my father and Nicolas wanted to send me there, because a driver trained by such a prestigious program prepares the boys as well as the lower categories tracks do. These are all important things that need to be done, but let's say that there’s a difference between young drivers who have only competed in the various Series and those who have also followed a special preparation program.
I feel cautiously optimistic today, but I can't deny that I’m very happy to be here and take this first real step into the world of F1. This is actually more real than the preparatory programs and the lower categories because this is what I want to do as long as I have the strength to get into a single-seater and drive it.
Being young is not an excuse given how early Max Verstappen arrived on F1. Because of him they’re changing the rules to get here since he arrived at 17 without a normal driving license. Now they want 18 and a regular driving license, as well as the FIA ​​Superlicense. All because of him. But I'm not complaining, I'm 18 and I still don't have any signed contracts with any of the F1 teams to race here next year, I'll probably be in GP2 or F2, whatever you want to call it and that's fine, I’ve my path and I believe in it a lot. When I get to the top category, I'll be ready. That's how it has to be.
Anyway I'll start from today, I'll make it clear that I'm certainly not inferior to that guy who was always in a hurry in everything he did. Everyone will soon understand that if he's there, I have to be there too. But I'll be there, I'm sure of it, I just have to play all the important cards that come my way to achieve my goal.
I'm not an idiot, I know that the world is keeping its eyes on me thanks to Jules and everything he's done for me, if it hadn't been for him I would never have come under Nicolas' wing and everything that's right and good that's happening to me in my career I owe to them.
I'm not saying that it's only thanks to others if the world of motorsports now considers me predestined, they call me that in fact and they’re convinced that I have to become a great champion one day, but certainly all the opportunities I've had in this sector have also come thanks to them and it's up to me to take advantage of them as I've always tried to do. Confirming that I deserve everything offered to me is exactly my duty.
One day I’ll really be what everyone thinks, but it’s up to me to actually make it happen. Others can pave the way for me and help me, but I’m the one who has to travel it without leaving the track, I’m the one who has to win and be successful.
So today is a very important day, I have to show that the trust in me is well placed and that they’re not wrong.
I owe it to Jules who is always in my heart and mind and to my family who have always helped and supported me, but it’s also for me that I have to do it.
I have to do it because this is what I have wanted since I began to understand what those things that speed on four wheels are.
This is my future and my life itself, I’ll never hesitate despite what happened on one of these tracks where I want to race at all costs.
F1 took Jules away from me and there’s not a day that I don't think about it, but how can I ignore the fact that since he died I have felt alive only and exclusively when I got into a single-seater?
This is what I want to do, and I’m here today to put one foot in, but one day I’ll put the other one in and I'll go into it entirely.
Here, right here. Exactly in the world of engines that matter.
Now I walk around the Silverstone Paddock as a future F1 driver and not as a GP3 driver; I’m here to dream, for now, and in some ways it’s different from what I’ll do in the afternoon with my team for the weekend race of my category.
A myriad of people are always active on the circuit from when it opens in the morning to when it closes in the late afternoon and I’m here among them, today, surrounded and a little more dazed and disoriented than usual.
The crowds are slowly and almost lazily increasing, there’s joy in the air because we’re on a beautiful circuit and this weekend the 2 lower categories will also be racing, so there are many more people than usual and I usually always arrive later with my team for the tests and qualifications, and we always do the races on Sunday very early, so I never meet anyone who is strictly related to F1, but now that I’m there and I see them, I feel almost drunk.
Now the drivers are also arriving and I look around to see if I find someone interesting or that I know, in the meantime I realize that I have lost my father who will have already arrived at Haas, but I’m not upset, on the contrary. I feel good. Dazed, but good because this is where I want to be, this is where I want to race. Among these people, in this category. It belongs to me, I have known it since I went karting.
How long has it been since my heart beat like this without getting into a car for a race?
Since before that cursed October 5, 2014.
At this thought I start to shake and as soon as it happens I stop in shock and look at my hands.
Me shaking? Charles, that's not really like you. You're 18, you'll be 19 in October, you're not a child.
I clench my hands and hide them in my pockets, shaking myself with a deep breath, all that's missing is for someone to notice me. When I raise my head I decide to head to the Haas boxes before they come looking for me like a lost child, I certainly don't want to be late for my first free practice.
I sigh trying to regain my composure, I have to make a good impression every second of the time I'll spend in there, I turn around to look for the facade that interests me and I've just identified it when, moving abruptly to reach it, I almost bump into someone.
Two hands grab my arms, holding me tight. My first instinct is to shake myself and I do it without thinking, like a conditioned reflex.
- Watch out! - a low and slightly hoarse voice reaches me before focusing on the face of the person who blocked me. Once I free myself from his hands hastily apologizing, I look at him; it doesn't seem like a familiar voice, but as soon as I raise my eyes to his blue ones that light up when he looks at me, I realize that I know him.
- Oh, hello! - he says in fact with a sort of enthusiasm, but it's more the surprise of not expecting to see me here.
His voice has changed as well as his facial features have started to mature compared to the last time we were face to face, but considering our age it's understandable.
I shake my head as if to wake up from my trip, I focus on him and not on the details or on controlling my emotions that don't want to stay calm.
Up until now I was used to feel them only on a car, never with my feet on the ground.
- Don't you recognize me? Come on, we always did the same races up until two and a half years ago...
I feel alienated and catapulted back to the days when I saw him at practically every race and in an instant my head goes blank.
- I imagined I could meet you today. - I say, regaining my typical aplomb and with impeccable control I give a forced half smile more out of kindness than conviction. I’m perfectly aware that he realizes that this nod I give him is a duty and there’s nothing happy in me in seeing him again.
It’s the first year that we can accidentally meet while racing on the same circuits even if in different categories, but so far the completely different schedules of the various commitments with our teams and on the track have saved us, except today that for the first time I do what he does too, in fact I knew there was a risk, but I wanted to think I was lucky.
Him? Really? If I believed in God I would ask him if he smoked something, but I'm not that irreverent even if I'm an atheist. In case there really is someone up there, it's better to keep him happy for the future since I want to race here for a long and glorious career in good health.
- Max... Max Verstappen! - he tells me his name as if I could really forget my worst nightmare of karting. Maybe I have a vague or indifferent expression, that's why maybe he thinks I don't recognize him.
- Of course I remember you, I told you I thought I'd see you today...
I was better without seeing him, honestly, but he seems happy to find me again after all this time, even if maybe it's more surprise than actual enthusiasm.
- Do you do free practice? - is the most logical deduction, he immediately goes to the obvious information leaving aside my acidic response.
Do I really not get on his nerves anymore for those times in karting? It's been relatively little time. Two and a half years since our last race together, then he moved to European F3 while I moved to Formula Renault, different categories to my great joy. Then he skipped GP2 and arrived in F1 and that's precisely what got on my nerves. How could he have rushed ahead while I couldn't? He's ahead of me, damn it, after everything I did to keep up with him and show him that he wasn't better than me. Imagine if he didn't get a big head.
I mean, I know we've already talked about it and I'm still convinced that my path is better than his even if it takes me longer to get there, but what can I do, he stares at me with that little superior smile and I just want to wipe it off his face.
- With Haas. - I reply with a fake and forced smile that doesn't reach his eyes. I'll leave aside the fact that it's impossible he doesn't know given how much every piece of news about me goes around as if it were who knows what. They said everywhere that today I was doing my first free practice for Haas as if I had won a world championship.
I'm getting used to it now, I have to since if I actually get here it’ll surely be worse.
Max nods and for a moment we look at each other without knowing what to say. I know he's watching me, noticing how much I've changed in these two years of separate paths and maybe he doesn't have the faintest idea of ​​what to say to me, given that our typical way of communicating was to argue. Well, we were staring at each other badly, it's hard to argue with me, I prefer a wonderful silence followed by a resounding lesson on the track when I'm not the one receiving it. This is because my father wants me to be kind and respectful, so not answering the way I would like is my way of being it. I only do it for him.
By the way, I owe Max one! I still remember all too well that the last championship we played together he won and I was second. I hate being second. What a shitty position. Second is not first. He was so happy, damn it!
Of course I remember you, my dear, and I also remember what I called you to myself.
Asshole.
A simple nickname to remember, obvious and not very original, but truly representative. Suitable for him and his asshole way of driving.
I hope he has changed in this too and not just in his appearance and voice.
Developing physically for eighteen year olds is not strange, but what matters is the brain.
Finally my father's voice calling me saves me from this embarrassing situation of terrible stalemate and with a totally formal nod of my eyebrows, I greet him, happy to leave.
- Well, see you. - I say hastily.
- Good luck. - he says continuing to follow me with his gaze.
Nothing.
I still hate him.
I can't help it, some things are instinctive and are forever, but in this case it's not instinctive. There’s a specific reason to hate him and in this case it’s called the 2012 Master Series KF2.
Good luck my ass, stop gloating just because you were quicker than me in entering the world of professionalism. I'll catch up with you too and we'll pick up where we left off, I don't forget that I owe you a couple of overdue lessons.
I know you feel better than me because you've been in F1 since last year while next year I'll only be in 2 if everything goes well, but what the fuck do you feel superior, idiot? They call you Mad Max and Crash Kid because you only do damage to the car. What the fuck is the point of coming to F1 early if you then make a fool of yourself? You have to be ready and have the most perfect races possible, not race like you have the devil behind you crashing like an idiot. That's not racing, it's crashing!
I'll get here after you, but they'll NEVER call me Crash Kid, it would be the most fucking humiliating thing in my life.
Fuck, do you see how this makes me lose my temper? I haven't seen him for two and a half years, then it happens and I look like a lunatic.
What innate power does he have?!
- Are you okay? - says my father, immediately noticing that I have a strange face, even though I'm good at controlling it.
But then why am I hiding it from him?
- I met Verstappen. - I mumble trying not to add any swear words. He doesn't like them.
His eyes immediately widen, worried.
- Already?! And did you fight? - I'm not surprised that it's the first thing he asks me, but I shrug and curl my lips downwards with feigned innocence.
- Come on, we've grown up now! We just said hello... - I try to be as generic as possible also because in reality nothing really happened. In short, I can't accuse him of saying or doing anything to annoy me. It's his mere presence that gets on my nerves, but it's not his fault if he exists.
My father doesn't seem very convinced, he narrows his eyes to scrutinize my face, all here in front of the back entrance of the Haas garages while presumably they await us for what will be my first lap in the world that matters. Something that I certainly prefer to talking to and about Max Verstappen.
- But you had a face... - he says very spontaneously. At this point I laugh trying to be convincing, I'm good at pretending and showing what I want. I had to learn from Jules' accident. That's how I understood how to be left alone and not worry those who cared about me.
- Well, he's not my favorite to meet, I was hoping for Hamilton, Alonso, Vettel... - I point out to him with extreme simplicity. To convince, you have to be like that. Simple, obvious.
He actually seems to accept it and putting a hand on my shoulder he squeezes and with a smile that is definitely better than mine because it’s sincere and not forced, he signals me to come in.
- Come on, they are waiting for us. Are you ready for another important step?
He transmits all his enthusiasm to me in an instant as he always has and I realize that my face is less tense than a moment ago. My eyes burn and I feel flooded by an unexpected flash of happiness.
It’s brief but very distinct.
Then I realize that I must not pass for an ordinary boy who enters the world of toys and I control myself. A deep breath, I straighten my head and shoulders and then I nod proudly regaining total control.
- Ready. - I say more serious than enthusiastic. My father chuckles not expecting anything different from me and finally we go in.
I have to be as perfect as possible, no margin for error if I want to get a seat in F1. And I will get it. There’s nothing else before this.

I do the breathing exercises they taught me at the Academy to relax after I put on my suit and everything I need, I fasten my helmet well and finish dressing by closing my eyes and breathing again.
I'm a mix between tense and excited, but slowly as I breathe in this corner of the Haas garage I feel better and better. My nerves are starting to relax and my mind is starting to empty, but as I get rid of all the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head, a face emerges behind my closed eyelids.
It's one of the most beautiful faces I've ever seen, the face I've been seeing for two years now.
Relax Charles, you have to get into the Haas and race, you can't think about Jules.
They call me to ask if I'm ready and I open my eyes nodding, I go to them and get into Gutierrez's car which will be mine for now.
It's strange, I'm still shaking, it's the first F1 car I've touched even though the Ferrari at Fiorino was the most extraordinary experience of my life and extremely formative.
But this time we're going down to an F1 track.
I sit down and take the wheel, sliding it in as usual. I know how to do it, it's not my first single-seater, but this is different from the one I always drive. There's no comparison.
And yet it's not this.
This is not exactly what excites me so much.
Breathe, Charles, calm down and listen to what they tell you. I nod to everything and carry out every instruction. I seem ready and present, but there's always a part of me that remains attached to anxiety. I'm a kid, I'm not ready.
What the hell are you talking about? Get your shit together, Charles, you're ready indeed.
Prove it.
Now, now I'll do it. The engine starts with a roar that deafens everyone, if it weren't for the headphones they have to protect themselves from the noise.
It vibrates all over, it's powerful. It's extremely powerful.
An engine like this, with a similar power, killed Jules.
Are you ready Charles?
Are you ready to really drive something like this?
There's no going back from here, you can only go forward without ever stopping.
I grip the steering wheel that I know how to use perfectly, maybe too tightly, but for a moment I forget how to do it, I forget everything and I'm about to ask them to repeat what they're telling me, but Jules' face comes back to my eyes that are now open.
I hold my breath, it's almost like seeing him standing there in place of one of the mechanics surrounding me. I see him in each of them and then in the one who signals me from outside the garage to wait for the signal before leaving. I nod.
He's here. He's always here.
He always has been and he always will be. There won't be a meter that I won't do without him. From now and forever.
Everything will be fine.
One last breath, I close my eyes again and I see his sweet and delicate smile, the one that now belongs to an angel, then I open them again, I close the visor, the world disappears, Jules disappears, the emotion, the tension, every memory goes away. Everything is erased, I’m no longer anyone, just someone who has to race on a track and nothing else. Only this.
The engineer gives me the go-ahead and I, without hesitation or feeling the slightest emotion, accelerate and exit, turning smoothly as if I had done nothing else since I was born, as if I had always been an F1 driver.
I take off and go and do what I have to do, what I know how to do very well, what I’ll do for a long time.
I run on the track and spin, I start badly, I curse but I don't get distracted and I don't get agitated, I coolly regain control of the car and go back to turning as they told me to do.
I derailed, but I'm still on the track and I certainly won't stop for this nonsense.
Without hesitating I resume as if nothing and carry out my duty, but as I do it, as I accelerate curve after curve, straight after straight, it gets better and better.
My nerves are more relaxed, my mind is more serene and I'm not thinking. I'm not thinking about anything at all.
It's just me and my car on a track. A powerful car that I'm not afraid of, that when I accelerate erases time that stops flowing and the world itself leaving me wonderfully alone in the universe.
I'm speed and freedom without emotions, remorse, regrets and suffering.
No one I loved died. No decision I made, made me feel like shit. No rivalry made me feel behind. No mistake made me think I wasn't ready.
I'm just me and I'm free and I'm fine. I'm great. I'm wonderful.

The world stops and it's almost sudden even if it's not exactly like that, I slowed down in the pit as you do and then braked perfectly in front of the Haas box. The mechanics hooked up the car and lifted it to turn around with me on top and put it in the garage, but while all this is happening around me, it feels like they've reconnected a plug.
The world suddenly comes back, I lift the visor of my helmet and with it my emotions come back, my heart beats incessantly, the adrenaline flows, my mind brings me back the technical information of what I did. I carried out the instructions, I did what I had to and in the end I did it well.
Everything comes back pretty quickly too.
Him too.
Hey Jules, in the end you were right, huh? I was ready...
I see him smile again and it seems to me that he tells me that he knew I was and that he never doubted it. But even though I know he's happy with me now, wherever he is, my regret for having run that famous fateful race in October weighs me down as usual. I should be used to it, but maybe it’ll never happen, but for these 26 test laps there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I felt so good.

As soon as I get off my father greets me happily, he has a huge smile, his eyes shining with emotion and he’s extremely proud of me. I focus on him, I smile without realizing it, the calm returns, the doubts are swept away and I let him underline the positive things of these first tests of mine. Everything went very well, apart from an initial spin from which I recovered like nothing. I did the laps they had told me, I got close to the time of my colleague from Haas who is more experienced and expert than me and everyone is very happy.
My father is my anchor in reality because when I’m alone I tend to be negative or harsh with myself, sometimes I don't even see well, if I’m alone. I don't understand what’s happening to me or what I feel, but he always makes me understand what I’ve done and after his precious positive point of view, everything goes better.
I let him hug me and while he does so, I see Max passing outside the garage heading somewhere, he casually glances inside my garage and sees me while I hug my father smiling. He nods, I don't have time to return it, but his look was strange. It was brief, too short to distinguish everything well and he seemed to have a fast pace.
Looked like the looks he had after bad races in karting, when he went to his father who stared at him dark and severe.
I always had the impression that there was something wrong between those two and after Alex confirmed the rumors about mistreatment, I put one plus one and I wasn't surprised by his aggressive way of being the master of the track.
The thought of him is a flash, in reality, and as it comes it goes while my father gives me all the serenity and stability I need, reminding me that now it's better to rest in view of the tests of my category in the afternoon.
The first step has gone, but it’ll only be the first of a long series. In a little while I’ll be here for real and not as a test driver.
I’ll have a seat in one of these cars. I’ll make it.
Wait for me that I’ll put you back, Max.”

NOTES: the technical things of that day of Charles's first free practice in F1 are true, I had informed myself as much as I could. Charles's emotional insights are obviously my personal additions, as well as the meeting with Max in the paddock. I liked to think that even if they have been on the same circuits every now and then, even if in different categories, they have never met. I wanted their suspended story to start again from here, I imagined the scene like this and I absolutely had to write it. Maybe in reality when they met for the first time after the stormy times of go-karts, the two were friendly and smiling!
I always try to highlight the enormous difference in life between the two, especially regarding the way they were raised and their fathers who had a very important impact on the people that Max and Charles then become. In the next chapter there will be another time jump and it will be from Max's pov. Thanks to those who comment and read the fic, I hope you will continue to follow me. Kisses Akane