SECTOR 2 - AWARENESS AND ATTRACTION

35. A KICK OF LIFE

/Charles/

“It's just as I hoped.
The kick of life actually arrives giving me the jolt I needed.
It's the most beautiful and perfect jolt of my life.
Winning my second F1 race at Monza with Ferrari, just a week after the first.
Now that's a real kick of life.
I'm alive, oh yes, I'm very much alive. More than I ever thought, especially in these hellish days.
Alive and awake. I'm feeling great for the first time, damn it. I'm feeling fucking great. Nothing matters anymore, only my crazy joy that I can't contain, I have nothing else to put forward, there's only this joy, this time. Only my victory. Victory in the homeland of Ferrari, a river of red unfolds wherever I look, both while I'm racing on the final victory lap and when I get out and throw myself among my boys who hug me and cheer and applaud. Energy overwhelms me, I can't contain it. It overflows, intoxicates me and makes me laugh. I laugh a lot. I can't forget the chills I feel today, they're shocking, it's the most shocking and beautiful thing I've ever felt, even more than signing for Ferrari. It's even more beautiful because today I won at Monza, at Monza!
I'm shaking, it's wonderful to be alive today. It's wonderful to be Charles Leclerc today.
I'm finally okay. Damn, I'm okay.
I'm awake and I don't want to fall asleep again! I want to stay here, exactly where I am. Forever.

The first to land on me is Pierre. He manages to reach me and hug me, but right now everything is so chaotic that I don't even realize who I'm with. Hands, pats and hugs follow one another. I get compliments from everyone.
I don't want to think about anything; today I just want to celebrate and have fun. I just want to be happy and keep going. To live to experience this powerful emotion again.
Today there's nothing and no one. There are no roles, duties or things to remember. Today is everything I want and want it to be.

Seb joins me in the midst of the entire crew, ready to pose as a group for the usual photo; he holds out his hand and compliments me. They weren't a given, but he has an unreadable mask in place of a face. Usually you can always tell what he's thinking, and it's always good or positive things.
But he's no longer as coldly pissed off as yesterday, I think Lewis spoke to him. Besides make pathetic scenes at the moment of my second win, at Monza no less, the most important for a Ferrari driver, would be out of place and he's never out of place. Aside from when he loses the head and makes a big mess with a sudden rage, I remember a couple of times like that. Baku 2017, for example. I think the wheelie that Lewis got in under the Safety Car went down in history!
Or this year in Canada, for example.
But it's not one of those cases now. I hope.
These are things that shock me about him because Seb is always a nice person, respectful, kind, altruistic and full of good qualities, but there are times when he gets really pissed off and he won't listen to reason. Maybe he's wrong, like in the case of Lewis in Baku, but you don't stop him, you don't make him see reason. But then he apologizes if he realizes later and with a cool head that he was wrong.
No one apologizes even if they realize they were wrong, especially in the racing world and if goes too far. It can happen, but only if there are certain relationships involved that you don't want to ruin and in fact I understand why he apologized to Lewis.
Thinking about them being a real couple, inevitably makes me think of Pierre and Max.
I have no doubts about the kind of relationship I'd like to maintain with Pierre; I'll slowly restore it. I don't know how, but I'm determined to do it and I'll do it so that I can remain friends with him; I don't want to lose him.
With Max it's a different story and right now I don't have the time to think about it.
I wonder what Seb thinks of me after yesterday's qualifying; it's a short time, he smiles at me and looks me straight in the eye, shaking my hand.
It's as if he's saying, 'I understand you!'
But what he actually understood remains a mystery and right now I don't know if I want to delve deeper.
Actually, I'm sure of it.
Now I want to be selfish and live my moment like I couldn't last week. There were no parties or anything else, I didn't want it, it would have been out of place and I would never have been able to. But today I'm the one who doesn't listen to reason and as soon as we finally manage to take these photos, which are longer than the odyssey, the Champagne showers return, just for a change, as tradition.
As soon as I finish this too, I immediately organize something for later, forcing Alex, George and Lando to come after dinner. Pierre is a given. Their respective pluses, whoever they are.
While I write to everyone that comes to mind and want to come, I obviously think of Max and I stop wincing, my pulse starting to pound. Even though he happened to be with me and the others every now and then around the paddock, my obstruction to him is well known. It's hard now to explain to those that things have changed; if I tried, they'd sniff out things they shouldn't, so I'm careful not to share certain things with those busybodies. So I avoid inviting him even if I regret it, I really do. He's the one I want tonight, more than anyone else, but I can't. A small part of me, still rational, prevents me from doing so.
I think of Lando; Max seems to be bonding with him lately; maybe he'll take him to the party without making me do it. Besides I don't have his number, I couldn't even if I wanted to.
After realizing I can turn any reasoning into something that concerns Max, I'm finally washed, changed and ready for the magical evening in my honor, which will be divided into two parts. The first is a formal dinner at the most elegant restaurant in Milan with the entire team in attendance, from the mechanics to the management. Everyone, even Seb is forced to attend, woe betide him if he dared to miss it, because it would be like putting up posters and at Ferrari that's not allowed; formality and appearances are as important as results. In any case he's not the type to ruin something important for someone; he may be pissed off, but he'll never let it weigh on even his worst enemy.
I hope I don't end up like that, I'd hate to.
The second part will be the most interesting, the one I organized: we'll all meet at a club and there we'll drink, dance and have a great time until dawn.
I don't want to get out of this alive. I want to lose myself in joy. I want to wake up tomorrow without remembering how I ended up in bed, because I want to have the time of my life. It's time.
I've worked so hard for this moment. Winning with Ferrari at Monza is one of those goals I've always wanted. All the sacrifices I've made, even very significant ones, were to achieve thing like this and now I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest. 

Seb keeps checking his watch. I do it too, to be honest, but I think for a different reason. Because I can't wait to go where it'll be more fun, without bosses, managers and presidents. Seb certainly won't come, but it's my duty to invite him.
I take advantage of the moment before dessert to ask him. I have to or I'll definitely end up on the blacklist and I don't want to be there, especially because I think I'd be the only one on that list.
- Are you coming to the Gattopardo afterward?
Seb looks at me raising his eyebrows as if I were speaking Arabic; laughing spontaneously, I realize I'm not surprised he doesn't know what it is.
- A nightclub.
Seb lights up at that, nodding to say he understands, and then immediately shakes his head giving me his first smile of the last two days, a better smile than the others which were clenched teeth. For a moment I foolishly hope. Is everything okay?
- No, it's not my thing. Don't take it personally. Thanks for the invitation, but only when I'm already drunk do they manage to take me to those places!
This little revelation makes me laugh; it's so like him that I can imagine it well.
I'd like to say invite Lewis, who's definitely still around, because I'm sure they'll have a date after this boring but delicious royal dinner, but in theory I don't know anything about them.
- Well, if you change your mind, come along, you can bring whoever you want...
I can't do more than that. He nods and smiles; it's different now than before, it's a polite smile and when we receive dessert, he gives the waiter the exact same smile.
- Thanks, but you don't need to force yourself with me. - he then calms down.
This has the power to take my legs off me for a moment; if I weren't already seated, I think I'd wobble. I look at him wide-eyed, convinced I've misunderstood.
Is it possible that someone like Seb, always kind and helpful, would say something like that openly and to face?
But he keeps that formal smile, which is actually cold.
- I don't want to ruin your evening; we'll talk about it another time, if necessary.
Then he throws the stone and pulls back: this makes me so angry that I get annoyed and my blood boils.
- You can talk now, no problem!
Seb starts eating his cake while I ignore mine, suddenly without hunger and without the desire to have fun. Why does it have to be this way? Why shouldn't I have everything I desire for once? Victory, friends, fun, admiration and why not, even the sex I really want? Why should I give up something?
Seb looks at me briefly, studying me to see if I really want to know: he sees me frowning and annoyed, so he points to me with the spoon, which scoops up a piece of cake before putting it in his mouth.
- I'm talking about this. - he then says cryptically. - Your true character. You shouldn't keep hiding it to always give others what you think you should be. Everyone is made the way they are, you can't decide that. If you always hold back, you end up losing control and it usually happens in the worst possible way, and you regret it. But at that point, the damage is done and it's hard to undo. Instead try to let you go, be yourself. Don't try to follow someone else's rules. Make your own rules.
By the time he finishes speaking in his usual verbose way, he's finished dessert. He wipes his lips with the napkin he picks up from his legs and then nods, saying goodbye without another word. After that he gets up, greets the others with a formal smile and says it's time for him to go and that it was a pleasure. As he turns and leaves, I see him pick up his phone and text someone.
It's an old push-button phone, in true his style.
Normally I'd laugh at this, but now I'm just thinking, 'Here he’s running to Lewis,' and I don't even care. I'd chase him to hear the rest of this pearl of wisdom, but I remain paralyzed, sitting here at the table with my dessert intact, his seat next to me free.
When I see others looking at me curiously, I smile and go back to eating pretending nothing's happening; I reflect on his words, which are actually good advice, even if not required.
I have to return to it when I'm clear-headed and calm, without the thought of running off to have fun, with the desire and need to do so.
Being myself so as not to lose control and stop trying to be what others expect me to be. Inevitably I think of my father. He always taught me a lifestyle, a way of being, and I always tried to follow it because he’s my father and I know he cared, but the truth is that the more I stubbornly follow that path, that being politically correct, never saying what I think if it’s out of place, that being kind and easy-going by force and who knows how many other attitudes I have without realizing it, the more I end up, when things happen to me that are too powerful to contain and manage, losing my head doing stupid shit that I later regret.
There has to be a middle way, right? A way to live a balanced life between following the right rules and what you want to do.
The middle way between Lewis and Max, basically.
Reflecting on it while eating dessert, I realize they're polar opposites. Lewis is someone who always follows the rules, any rules, but especially the rules of living in society. He can't say what he thinks unless everyone agrees with it, while Max doesn't give a damn about anything or anyone and just says and does what he wants, even at the risk of alienating half the world.
You don't live well either way.
A middle way.
Seb, maybe. Although he's a bit hazy right now. Tonight he confused me; I don't know if he's still angry with me or if he really wanted to help me in his own way. The fact is, I think he's right. As I sip the digestif that burns my throat, my mind opens to this revelation.
Stop being what you think you should be and let you go.
Want to have fun? Go have fun!
And finally, God willing, they've set me free and I can do it.
Tonight I want to be happy, no saint can stop me. I want to do whatever I want, dance, drink, laugh and joke because I won at Monza with Ferrari after I don't know how many years in which no Ferrari driver could do so, I'm happy and I want to have fun.
From now on, the rest won't matter anymore because this is all I need.”

/Max/

"I would have gatecrashed even if Alex hadn't dragged me, but bonding with him over our teammates, and specifically telling him I like Charles, turned out to be quite helpful in the end.
Sometimes confiding in someone has positive effects.
I end up spending the evening with them even before we move to the club; we're with George, Lando and Carlos, who, like me, was dragged by his McLaren teammate.
I'm not really interested in being with them, but I try to bond and be good company; in truth I just needed a way to get to Charles's party, which is basically a get-together at a nightclub in Milan.
I assume he's invited other people besides us, but it doesn't really matter; it's enough for me that he's there.
What will his face be when he sees me here?
I hope he appreciates my presence, since I don't intend to leave empty-handed.
I'm firmly convinced of this until I see Pierre walk in with his girlfriend.
When I see him with her, for a moment I freeze, not understanding what's happened to him. Has his brain exploded?
But upon closer inspection, I immediately realize he's not at all happy about this situation, especially since dear Pierre is an open book.
Since I officially have no problems with him, having been his teammate until a few weeks ago, I join him and say hello. While his girlfriend puts her jacket away in the nightclub's cloakroom, he gives me an even more disgruntled look than before and I burst out laughing, patting him on the shoulder.
- She lives here too, I couldn't have dumped her! - he says laconically, without needing to ask. Maybe I was more expressive than I thought.
I raise my hands in a sign of "I didn't say anything," and he huffs and shakes his head. He was definitely imagining another night, but obviously good for me.
Pierre and his discontentedness join me in the club and soon we're reunited with the others I came with.
The nightclub is slowly filling up, as is normal. Yes, someone recognizes us every now and then and says hello, they ask for a photo, but the people who frequent this place are partly of a certain caliber and know how to behave, partly they're busy with other things, like making their way through the large, ever-growing crowd, finding a spot and then rushing to get a drink.
It quickly fills up and the lights dim and become colored, at which point it becomes harder to see and everything becomes confusing; finally the DJ starts plays, officially turning the evening on.
I've never been here before, but I have to say it's not bad.
As soon as the atmosphere kicks off with the dim light and the music, the prince finally makes his entrance and with him, the adrenaline and excitement rise in an instant, everything is going up and my mind gradually shuts down.
I don't see Seb; normally teammates join in the party, especially such special ones, but it's clear that their relationship isn't as idyllic as it was until the last GP.
In any case, there's only one thing that matters to me: Charles, being single, isn't accompanied by anyone!
I let him approach us after Alex waved from the upper area, almost falling over the railing to get noticed. George had to hold him by the collar to avoid an unpleasant turn of events, which made everyone laugh.
With a big, bright smile, the same one he had earlier at the track as soon as he got out of the car and removed his helmet, Charles notices us and comes towards us going up the stairs to the exclusive VIP area, which he promptly booked at the last minute.
He's truly handsome, with his hair carefully arranged in a strategic mess. He's shaved and his face is almost completely smooth, but he would look good in anything. His shirt is white, still tucked into his pants which fit him perfectly, not too tight, not too baggy, definitely a quality fabric. The important thing, however, are the top buttons, which are undone and the sleeves rolled up. He's just handsome, he looked handsome even in his tracksuit, but tonight, all dressed up for a arty in his honor, he’s amazing.
As soon as he reaches us, a roar rises among the people who have gathered here at his invitation; in addition to those he considers his friends within the circuit, there are also members of his team, the slightly younger ones who have gladly accepted his invitation.
Once there, Charles greets everyone with a warm and cheerful handshake, including a powerful half-hug for some, like Alex, George and Pierre. When he sees his girlfriend, he gives her a very ready and fake smile. Luckily, he doesn't say, "Oh, you're here too!" He still has control over himself, how good. I chuckle as I watch the scene.
Then he comes to me and only then does he notice me and realize that I'm here too. The gatecrasher.
As soon as he focuses on me, his eyes, already lit up with a beautiful, happy light that I haven't seen in a long time, and which I hope will last forever, light up even brighter and despite the low, colored lights, we can see each other perfectly. We're both happy.
- Are you here too? - he asks surprised, but he doesn't even offer me a half-hug, just a firm handshake. He holds my hand for a moment, squeezing it tightly. He wants to say something else, come towards me with his chest, pat my shoulder, something like that, but he doesn't. Besides I know very well what happens when he hugs me. I remember how he sniffed my neck and how his hands rummaged under my t-shirt. You can do it again without a problem; tonight I have one that's just as simple and easy to lift.
- Yes, I gatecrashed, I hope you don't mind!
- No, of course not!
Alex immediately hangs around my neck, joining in with his typical enthusiasm: - I dragged him along, you don't know it, but this asshole is second to none when it comes to partying!
How the hell does he know? Did I do something in his presence without realizing it? I know how to party, it's true, but not many people know that, it's not common knowledge, but Charles laughs and nods with an enthusiasm I didn't think he'd have the courage to show in front of me and thousands of other people all simultaneously aiming at him.
- Oh, now I'm really curious!
Then, as if it were completely normal, as if we were old friends, he takes my glass of Gin and Tonic, my sacred Gin and Tonic, and starts drinking. As he does so, he nods and even gives a look of relief, as if he were fucking thirsty. I'll give you something that can fuck you, come with me to the bathroom and I'll show you.
I instinctively suck my lip just as he drinks and as soon as I do, his living eyes focus mischievously on my lips. It's a brief, distinct moment, but it's there and it's undeniable. After that, he turns and continues waving to the others.
Oh damn, we're having fun tonight. Pierre or no Pierre. Free or busy. I really don't give a shit.”

NOTES: This is where the second part begins, which focuses on the attraction between Charles and Max and their realization of their feelings for each other. Of course, it's not just that, it's also about the personal growth of both of them and for Charles I identified his victory at Monza '19 as a turning point, a sort of kick in the ass that made him want to change. There's a huge gap between wanting it and actually achieving it, but that's the first step. I also wanted to include the issue with Seb because it's part of what happened to them during that period (at a certain point they sorted things out, but for quite some time they remained very cold towards each other). Besides delving into his very complex character, it creates important background for what Charles will do from here on. Max is currently completely focused on Charles and getting what he wants from him, but he too will experience his own growth and some very touching moments. The second part of the fic is perhaps my favorite of the three, so I'm thrilled to have started publishing it. Thanks to everyone who follows me. See you next time. Kisses, Akane.