50. WHO KNOWS

/Charles/

"From that day on, Pierre started to let go. He calls me often, but not every day, and we see each other every now and then, but not always. And especially if it happens, he doesn't force me to have sex with him, he doesn't ask for that kind of consolation.
That was the last time we fucked.
I was at the factory with Seb those days and I don't know what version of me he saw, but he went from coldly ignoring me as if we were barely acquaintances, to speaking to me with the kindness he reserves for everyone. Not like when I first arrived at Ferrari, when he tried to involve me and make me feel at ease, but the coldness of late 2019 between us is definitely gone.
I won't deny that I was pleased, even though I was in a turbulent period at the time and couldn't really perceive what was happening to me. I could see everything, but I couldn't distinguish anything.
Pierre had drained me; I couldn't think of anything but him and how to stop without destroying our relationship forever. But when he slowly started to let go, after that time he apologized without going into anything further, I began to realize that if I was succeeding, it meant was time to take back the rest I had consciously set aside for him.
Once Pierre was truly well, I would have no more excuses. I knew it and I said to myself: 'Hey Charles, we're here! So what will you start with now? How do we move forward?' But only unanswered questions remained.
Questions without answers.
I didn't know and I was still putting everything aside, waiting for something to make me understand where I should start for myself. I still used Pierre's excuse because I wanted to make sure he was truly okay.
These Barcelona tests come at a delicate stage, for a change.
I now realize that I can no longer use Pierre as an excuse and I can't even tell him anything. I don't want to confide in him; I know we're not ready for that yet.
Now I have to figure out if I'm capable of loving and experience feelings like normal people, I have to figure out what the hell's wrong with me; but how do I do that?
On the gathering in Barcelona for the usual four days, I think about it.
I'll see Max again, he'll immediately understand that things with Pierre have improved; Max and I broke up saying that I would take time to analyze and understand myself, but these are things you say without knowing how.
It's not enough to sit and think about how I am; in 22 years I haven't figured it out, it's not like now, since I want to, I can do it with a snap of my fingers.
I know I have to do it, but I don't know how.
I look at Pierre in the hotel lobby where the drivers and all the various collaborators gather, taking keys and checking in. I see him smiling, still a little tight and less bright than usual, greeting his colleagues and I know he's still not well. I wonder if he'll ever be the same again.
I ruined him, I destroyed him.
I just want to erase myself from his life. I think it would be much better for him.
Will I do it to Max too?
Will I end up reducing him like this?
Seeing everyone here together throws me back into the same personal drama I was having in November, the last time I saw them.
Especially the last time I saw Max.
I haven't resolved anything, I haven't understood anything.
If his eyes met mine, I wouldn't know what to say to him. I'd be terrified of reading in his gaze the answers I'm terrified of.
I'm faking. I don't feel anything. I'm apathetic. Heartless. Soulless.
If he saw it in me, I'd know it right away by looking into his eyes.
Pierre turns in my direction and I turn to pretend I haven't been here the whole time, staring at him like a creepy maniac, but just then I see Max coming from outside and before he can meet my gaze, my eyes widen and I go pale with panic.
What the fuck am I doing?
I look at Joris, hoping he'll arrive right now with the keys to our rooms, but neither he nor Andrea show up from the crowd waiting at the reception desk and so cursing I move around haphazardly, desperately searching for a solution. Just then I find Seb in a corner of the Hall and by some strange miracle, he's alone, even though he's usually with Lewis.
Upon closer inspection, I notice him staring at me and I freeze, uncertain. Couldn't I find someone I feel good with and don't have a damn problem with?
Like Alex and George. Where the fuck are those two assholes when I need them?
But Seb approaches me and gives me a surprisingly friendly pat on the arm, greeting me with a warmth I haven't felt in months. A warmth I didn't think I'd ever receive from him again. A warmth that isn't at the same level as it was in the early days, but it's getting close.
I'm shocked and return the greeting, staring at him bewildered.
Seb starts talking to me in a friendly way, asking me how I spent my holidays and what I did, and I don't know what to say, because this time I haven't done much. I certainly can't say I've consoled Pierre.
Thinking about it, I look away to see if he or Max are catching up with me and when I see them both walking toward me from different directions, I look back at Seb and think the panic I feel inside is reflected on the outside better than I think. I don't know, actually; I assume so because Seb takes my arm and pulls me toward the corridor and the elevators, telling me he has something to show me and to follow him.
I have no idea what he's saying or what he wants to do, but whatever it is, I bless him because gets me out of this mess.
As soon as I step into the cockpit and am alone with Seb, safe from the two of them, I realize what I really need right now.
Isolate myself from both of them.
I need to be separated from them both for a while.
Just a little while, not forever. I don't want to and can't eradicate them from my life, but I need to be away from both of them for different reasons.
So I get lost in these thoughts as the elevator reaches the top floor and I don't realize Seb hasn't spoken.
When the doors open and I step out like a robot, I remember that I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going; I stop looking at Seb again, dazed and confused.
- What... - he smiles at me amused.
I'm even more shocked than before; I remember clearly how he looked at me coldly and indifferently at the end of last season.
- What are you doing, Charles?
His direct question catches me completely off guard, and I look at him shocked and still panicked. His hands are on his hips and he has a fake stern expression, but then he immediately puts them in his pockets and laughs, making me even more intoxicated. What the hell happened?
- Me? - I ask taking time, hoping he'll make me understand what's wrong.
Finally he speaks to me seriously, with a gentle smile.
- I saw you panicking as Pierre and Max approached and since it was strange for you, I thought you needed an escape route. Sorry to butt in. Obviously, you don't have to tell me anything.
He's about to push the elevator button again and go back down, but at this point, strangely, I act impulsively and, without touching him, speak in a hurry. Perhaps to keep my momentum.
- What did you mean last year by 'my true character?’
It's a point-blank question I never thought I'd ask him, but as soon as I hear my mouth say it, I feel myself burning with embarrassment. What a stupid question to ask.
Seb stops and turns to me to see if I'd actually asked.
He looks at me perplexed for a moment, then, seeing that I'm serious and embarrassed, he comes back to the front with his hands in his pockets and a simple but thoughtful expression. His blue eyes lift as he reflects on it.
- What was it I told you? - he then asks. We're standing here near the elevators on the top floor, an anonymous and uncomfortable place to talk about certain things. I feel like an idiot, but now that I've done it, I can't take it back.
- That I have to let go instead of trying to control everything, that if I stop doing it and make my own rules, I'll stop losing control and doing stupid things. Well, that was the gist of the conversation.
- Make your own rules? - he asks impressed.
Maybe I actually want to ask him what he thinks my true character is. If he saw it that time, maybe it's worth asking him.
- Yes, that's what I'd say. Intrusive and philosophical.
He doesn't seem to remember, but he laughs easing the tension. I sigh and shrug, downplaying what had struck me at the time. We were very tense that night.
- I've been wanting to ask you ever since. What... what did you mean by my true character?
I hope you know. Maybe you've seen something that can help me, because I really can't do it and everyone's rushing me and I still have only unanswered questions.
Seb finally stops laughing, realizing that it's important to me, even if I try to hide it. So, still with his hands in his pockets, he tilts his head to the side and shrugs his shoulders with ease and lightness.
- I have no idea, honestly. I just know that what you show around isn't your true character. You force yourself to be what you think you should be, following other people's rules. But that's not really who you are.
The rules of my father, my manager, my Team Principal, my engineer, the experts, the journalists, the fans, the people, everyone.
Everyone's rules.
My heart races. He really knows. Not everything, that's true. But he knows something about me that I've always ignored.
- Yes, but what am I really like? - it's more of a reflective question than one actually addressed to him.
Am I pretending? Is it true that I fake emotions because I don't know how to feel them? That I'm an insensitive asshole capable of trampling on others for my own whims and then feigning pity and sensitivity just because I know I should be?
Seb softens and smiles wider. As if he's finally saw me after just a glimpse of something that had disappointed and pissed him off.
Maybe he pities me. It's certainly not something I wanted to receive, not from him.
The elevator lights up revealing someone arriving from below. I sigh impatiently needing an answer and he shakes his head apologetically.
- You'll have to find out, I don't know you that well. I don't know, Charles.
He says brotherly.
I'm struck by his tone and manner, especially after all the time he spent ignoring me.
I stare at him stunned. The doors open with the usual ding.
- I don't know how... - I murmur softly bowing my head. Seb's hand rests gently on my arm, warming me and giving me peace. At least with him, I think, things are resolved.
Only now do I realize how much I cared and I don't know why. Maybe one day I'll be in his place, who knows. The first experienced Ferrari driver takes on the talented youngster.
It's strange for now, but it's the first positive feeling I've felt in a while, and as I feel it he whispers: - You’ll understand it by living and letting go.
He repeats the exact same advice he gave that night.
If only it were easy. How the hell can I let me go when I'm terrified of hurting someone who doesn't deserve it?
But his gaze flies past my head to the person who just stepped out of the elevator. I see him smile with a sweetness that has nothing to do with the one he reserves for me. His eyes soften and are pure love. As I wonder who's watching, I hear his voice behind me.
Tender and kind, unmistakable.
- What are you doing here, Seb?
When I turn to Lewis, he sees me too and is surprised to see us together, but he immediately smiles and says hello.
- You were with him. Did I interrupt you? Sorry... - he speaks to him as if it were a habit to see each other as soon as they arrive at the hotel, as if the first thing they normally do is meet up.
The relationship they truly have, which I happen to know, is immediately apparent and it's not on purpose.
Seb shakes his head and moves closer as I step aside.
- No, we're done. You didn't interrupt. 
Then he wraps his arms around Lewis's neck and places a kiss on his temple, throwing me a knowing wink that shocks me.
Not that they're together—I know they're together—but that he reveals it to me so openly and without a qualm.
Lewis stiffens and pulls away asking if he's crazy. He grabs him again pulling him closer as they walk down the corridor, toward one of their rooms.
- Don’t worry, we can trust him.
How can you say that?
What the hell do you see about me again that I don't? How do you see it, above all? How do you know the things you know?
But maybe he's right; if he told me, I wouldn't believe it. I have to figure out the answers myself.
What I am, for example.
If there's a heart down there.
My true character.”

/Max/

"Well, he can go to hell. There was no point in running away like that and not saying bye to me. That it was Seb who dragged him away, I don't give a shit.
Go to hell, okay?
I was nice, patient and I brought out surprising qualities I didn't think I had. I humiliated myself and felt more pathetic than decent. I questioned everything about myself and saw how much I sucked at myself. And after all this and the time I gave him, he doesn't even say hello and runs away like a coward?
Fuck you, Charles!
Seriously, fuck you!
For me, it can end here. I certainly don't have any problems, you know?
I wanted to fuck you, maybe I could fall in love, I was getting carried away and feeling certain things, but you're not the only one on the face of the Earth, I can do without you. In fact, I'll be better without you. Don't worry.
It's not worth feeling the way you made me feel.
That was the last one.
A fucking hallo. Not even that?
What could possibly make you say hello?
Fuck him.
And judging by the way he ran away from Pierre, I'd say he's done with him too.
I don't know where they are in their toxic relationship and honestly I don't give a damn.
Do whatever the fuck he wants, he's done with me.

- Max, you're in a terrible mood! - Alex's surprised voice reaches me as he sits down with his lunch. I must have been sulking and growling at everyone, absolutely everyone.
I shoot him a withering look that confirms it and he shivers, raising his hands in surrender and apology. Then, expressive and unafraid of irritating me, he reaches to grab the tray and leave, but at this point I stop him with a huff and a roll of my eyes.
- You can stay! - I grumble.
Alex sits back down hesitant.
- Are you sure? I can go. I understand if you're pissed off, it happens to everyone...
I shake my head and shrug. I'm furious with Charles, but it'll never go away, so I have to put it aside and move on.
- Have you heard Charles these past few months? - I ask point-blank almost aggressively, the only way I can speak now.
- No, actually he's faded away a bit. We tried to do something together somewhere, but he was never one of us.
His answer doesn't surprise me and partly makes me feel stupidly relieved.
- Don’t you know anything about him and Pierre? 
Another straightforward question. For someone who's done and wants to forget, I'm too interested.
Fuck.
Alex doesn't seem surprised by my inquiries, almost as if seeing me furious he expected Charles to be the cause.
He shakes his head.
- Not much. We don't have that kind of confidential relationship with him. If he wants, he can tell us something, but we don't ask him honestly.
- But even if you asked him, he wouldn't answer anyway. - I say sourly, taking a bite from my fork as if it were Charles.
Alex gives an amused chuckle and nods.
- Yeah...
I sigh and shake my head, giving up. Maybe I'm doing it for the first time right now.
- He’s a fucking difficult person. - I finally conclude, muttering more to myself than to him. Alex gives me a sympathetic, apologetic smile that doesn't bother me that much.
- I guess it's his charm. - he says, as if he understands how Charles is so appealing.
My expression is frankly disappointed and dejected, the anger slowly slipping away as I talk to him. Not that he helped me, he didn't really know anything, but at least saying it out loud makes me understand that it's pointless. There's no room for anyone with him, in any role, ever.
- I think they've broken up for good, but he also ran away from me as if we were something. - Alex looks at me in surprise raising his eyebrow and I conclude, feeling increasingly bitter and fed up. - Fuck.
Which isn't a conclusion, but for me it is.
Enough. I'll spend these tests telling myself this, and then when the season starts again, I'll be fine. We'll be like before all this began.
I need to get into casual sex, it's the best thing. It'll definitely help.

Lando's hand slaps my back with a force you'd never believe he possessed; when I turn around, I glare at him and seeing him laughing cheerfully, the irritation that had almost left me comes flooding back.
- So, what's new? You haven't told me anything!
We're both done with testing for the day and we've both had our team briefing, so after getting ready to leave the track, we accidentally bumped into each other on our way to the exit.
In response, I bark a low ferocious: - Shit!
Lando stares at me laughing, thinking I'm joking, but then, upon closer inspection, he realizes I'm about to punch him, so he stops acting cheerful and becomes serious and surprised.
- Come on, what do you mean, shit? - he says conspiratorial and curious. I want to headbutt him, but in the end I give up and go through the exit turnstiles with him, responding more bitterly than furiously.
- If we go to dinner together, I'll tell you, since you want to know so much, but there's not much to say.
Of course, he doesn't need to be told twice and after rudely dumping poor Carlos, whom I assume was counting on a dinner with him, we head off to one of the Barcelona restaurants popular for drivers when they're in town.
I spend most of the dinner telling him about me and Charles; as I do, I realize there was much more to say than I thought.
Lando's spontaneous expression becomes more and more shocked and amazed, and I don't know why the hell I'm telling him everything; maybe I just need it.
Tell someone, explain to someone and to myself. Am I confiding? Is that what I'm doing?
I don't want advice, I don't want a shit, to be honest. I didn't even think I wanted to tell anyone, but apparently I do. Apparently, I really need it.
At the end of it all, I conclude by shaking my head and rolling my eyes. I abandon my fork on the empty plate.
I really had a lot to say, damn it!
As I think about it, I try to figure out if I feel better or if everything's the same, but I don't understand right away. Then Lando speaks after listening to me and asking questions to delve deeper.
- So he's afraid of making you feel bad like he did with Pierre, because he realized he didn't feel the same only when he slept with him, then he couldn't stop for fear of hurting him, and in the end he hurt him even more anyway?
His summary is chaotic but fair, all things considered.
I nod impressed that he's understood everything and condensed it correctly.
- But weren't you just supposed to fuck him? Who cares what he feels, or if he feels? I mean, you don't need to feel anything to have sex, right?
Lando isn't wrong; that's what I told him last time. As he asks, I realize I don't know the answer to this question.
Yeah, weren't I just supposed to fuck him? Why did it all become about helping each other, understanding each other, trying, waiting and chasing each other?
To this simple and direct question, I end up not answering and when he understands why I don't, Lando bites his mouth, pointing a finger at the waiter and asking for the bill.
- I think this period of separation is good for both of you, huh?
When he says that it's as if he's giving voice to my internal dilemmas that I've never had the courage to express, not even to myself.
That's how it is, in the end. I'm the confused one too.
I just had to fuck him, but in the end I care about him too much and that's not normal for just one or two fucks.
Of course not, but if I had to say what it is, I wouldn't know.
- The point isn't what I want, but what he wants, because whatever he decides gets done anyway. Others in his relationships don't have a fucking say, and what drives me crazy is that he told me this the last time we saw each other. To live my life and not wait for him. So I can't even go up to him and insult him, because he'd foreseen this situation. He'd said he'd distance himself from everyone, but I thought we'd still have contact. Damn, who the hell actually does what he says and follows through no matter what? Fuck him!
Lando starts laughing again and while he does, I kick him after handing the card to the waiter.
He dares to make fun of me and laugh at me; he thinks I'm pathetic and laughs and he's right. I'd laugh too if I didn't hate myself right now.
Why am I so bad?
- What the fuck am I supposed to do?
- What do you want to do? - he asks surprised that I ask. - You said it, he leaves you no choice.
I pout in annoyance killing him with my gaze, while the waiter hands me back the card with the receipt to sign. I sign it and then turn back to Lando; before we get up he asks me another question.
- Do you think you can force him to do what you want? Assuming you know, since you've changed your mind a couple of times, I think?
And again he puts his finger in the wound and takes the piss out of me while laughing. Not that he's actually laughing, but his tone is derisive. Normally I'd kill him, but I think I like his style, all things considered. Reckless son of a bitch with balls.
- No, I don't think so. I don't know. But maybe I need to clear my mind first, actually.
Admitting it, even if forced, makes me feel better right away, even if I regret having done it.
It's like giving up for real, this time, and I feel like a wreck. I hate giving up.
No, fuck it, no, I'm not giving up. But now I need to close up too temporarily and stop chasing, trying, waiting and praying. I need to think about myself a bit, find something that makes me feel good, something that helps me get back on my feet. I need to see about myself too; so Charles, do what you want, I'll do the same.
Then, one day, who knows.”

NOTES: A brief break between Max and Charles is necessary, given the complicated moment they're going through in their relationship, which isn't easy at all. I often use others around them to show objective points of view, both theirs and their current situation, since with first-person POVs everything is always subjective and not necessarily real. Beyond that, I like to include small, separate, parallel stories involving their friends, such as Charles and Seb's relationship, which has changed and evolved significantly over the years. At that time, they were significantly better than at the end of the 2019 season. Beyond Charles/Seb, there's also the Max/Lando relationship, which evolves over the course of the fic, as well as other hinted stories that will be shown from time to time.
I have a very thoughtful idea of ​​Charles, as well as someone who plans everything, hyper-controlled, who never rushes into things, evasive, closed and depressed (at the beginning); maybe it's completely wrong, but that's how I perceived him. Max is Max, a splendid creature who never thinks ahead and who always shows everything he feels. I think I wasn't too far off the mark with him; Charles might be personal, but I don't think so with Max! XD
The photos I used for the banner are all from the Barcelona tests 2020 (except the one of Max with Lando and Alex, which is from that period anyway). Sometimes I manage to use photos from the period I'm writing about, other times clearly not, but in any case, the banners don't really matter; it's just something I like to do to introduce the chapter. See you next time. Kisses, Akane