54. NEED FOR NORMALITY

/Charles/

“Simply devastated. That's how I feel.
I expected to see him again and I'd imagined a thousand things, but in the end none of them ended like this.
With him smiling at me without hiding the sweetness in his gaze, which, despite the mask, he manages to show so well. And in the end with me leaving and him returning to the room. No exchange, no touch, no dialogue of any kind, no questions. Nothing.
An exchange of glances, his so beautiful, so full of emotion, so enviable, and then nothing. Total nothingness.
Since we realized that we like each other, it had never happened that nothing happened between us, not in such an ideal context.
We were alone, in that moment. In front of his room.
And yet nothing.
As I leave, an abyss opens and my eyes burn again, to the point that, slipping into the elevator, I grab my mask and pull it up over my eyes to hide them too. The one I'm wearing isn't big enough. I'd like one for my entire face.
I take a deep breath, my eyes really stinging. Will I cry? Just like that, out of nowhere, over something so stupid? Why hasn't he even touched me or asked me anything after all this time?
The doors open and the magical trio of wonders reveal themselves to me, and with their typical cheerfulness, they assault me ​​and bring me back to planet Earth, preventing me from making a pathetic scene. The tears are once again averted, and George, Alex and Lando start throwing out absurd names for our hilarious Twitch group, deciding that we absolutely have to do it again, that it was so cool and above all, that it was a lifesaver in certain moments of total depression.
It's nice to see them again and I definitely feel better than before, but the feelings I just felt are simply pushed aside and again, as I laugh and joke with them, I wonder... will they see that I’m smiling?

It's less traumatic to see Pierre again, much less than Max and what I imagined.
I'm here with the usual people, chatting a bit, a bit cheerfully. We've only seen each other through screens and now, in person after so long, it's beautiful. We're all happy and I'm distracted. My defenses are down and I even manage to forget everything else, when his voice comes ringing and cheerful from behind me. I recognize it immediately and for a moment I pause, wondering clearly how I should behave. I try to understand how I'm feeling, but it's all too brief, because after his: - BUT WHO CAN WE SEE? - I immediately get a slap on the back of the head that makes me end forward with my back, and I immediately feel a certain pain that brings me back to the present, even against my will.
I turn around knowing it's Pierre, but when I see him he's smiling with his mask on and I envy him, because I can see he's happy and seems fine; for a moment, I feel good and relieved too.
It's all very fast and we're not alone. I don't have time to think or reflect, but it's a very distinct feeling.
He's fine, because I can tell right away when Pierre is fine or not. His gaze is even more crystalline than Max's, so I feel fine too by extension.
At least with him things seem to be going surprisingly well, just as I'd hoped.
He sits with us here outside, because the 'distance' and 'outside' conditions are strict, so we're actually here together, but not like we normally would be.
- It’s strange, huh? - he says immediately, nonchalantly.
I stare at him, stunned for a while. I thought I should feel nervous, but instead I'm surprised to feel calm.
He came looking for me and was acting like he always does. What do I have to worry about?
It's also a beautifully sunny day and we're outside. We couldn't ask for anything better, after so long stuck indoors and isolated.
We're finally feeling better.
I was afraid to go out into the world, but the truth is it did me good, in the end.
- Weird is an understatement! - the others reply and we immediately start talking again; I join in, initially a little dazed, then gradually more relaxed.
It's all new and strange, yes. But not because of 'Covid' and similar.
Pierre and I, are.

- Are you okay, anyway? - he asks in a lower, softer tone as he accompanies me ‘to get something from my room’ that I don't have to. I just needed an excuse to spend some time alone with him and see how he's doing, and of course he beat me to the question I was about to ask.
I need to understand how we are alone. How we really are. In front of others everything went great, as always; it wasn't a given and I'm happy about it, but can we also be alone? And if so, how?
We walk slowly and I watch him trying to scrutinize his still partially covered face, but as soon as we enter the elevator, he lowers his mask and takes a deep breath.
- You shouldn't until you're sure you're alone... - I comment still wearing mine. He laughs and lowers mine with a lightning-fast movement that makes me instinctively jump back.
- Don’t talk bullshit, we can take it in a thousand ways, even with these on all the time! You know that, right? How much have they talked about it everywhere? Here we're safe; we're in our bubble!
The doors open while Pierre is still talking a lot as usual ignoring the outburst I've had. Before leaving I peek outside to make sure there's no one bothering us and when I see the way is clear, I sigh and walk away; Pierre laughing, pushing me like he used to before everything happened between us.
When he does that and walks still laughing, a strange feeling comes over me.
Euphoria, perhaps. But even more relief.
Yes, I think it's more relief.
Total relief, not partial like before.
So I look at him again amazed and I think I'm smiling like an idiot; at this point, I don't know what my face is doing, but I'm starting to not care anymore.
As Seb says, I am the way I am, I have to make my own rules, accept myself.
Maybe I laugh badly and I'm stiff and shy, who knows? But I'm fine like this.
Pierre lowers the intensity of his laughter looking at me again, then we stop in front of my room; before opening it, I wait a moment and look at him too.
To understand better.
- Sorry I disappeared. I needed this forced, total isolation. - I say turning the key card between my fingers. I look down almost embarrassed and indecisive.
I don't know what we are anymore, but I don't think it matters that much. The only thing that matters, is that it's not heavy between us and that there's still something there.
- It’ll get better little by little. It's just weird and different, but we'll get used to that too. 
When he says that, he lets me know he's perfectly grasped everything that's been going through my head and that I don't even need to elaborate.
I smile gratefully and relieved.
- So everything's okay between us? - I ask still apprehensive. He raises his eyebrows and is surprised that I'm actually asking.
- Is that what you were supposed to ask me? You had my number, you haven't used it for months and I gave you space. Surprising myself by realizing that I wasn't just capable of it, I actually needed it. And you wanted to ask me this only now, in person?
I don't know what's wrong and I blush feeling different, a feeling I'm trying to come to terms with, even though it's not easy.
- It wouldn't have helped on the phone. I need to understand what it's like to be physically face to face and alone with you. - I say quickly recovering. It's still easier to talk to him than to anyone else, and I'm glad about that, because in the last few months I couldn't do it anymore and I was tearing myself apart, feeling like I was betraying him even though I never actually did.
Pierre and I look at each other outside my door, knowing we won't come in.
- It’s strange and different from before, but we'll get used to it. - he repeats as if to say that he'd already answered this. - It doesn't seem bad to me, right? - he adds.
- No. - I agree. - It seems to be going pretty well. - he smiles and I respond in kind, dazed and relieved. - I’m happy about that. - I add as I would never have done before the strange path I'm on.
- Me too.
Then I put the key back in my pocket and turn my back to the door. He's not surprised that I won't come in; he comes alongside me, resuming our walk down the corridor as if we were strolling through a crowded, beautiful downtown area of ​​some renowned city.
- I saw you started playing the piano. - he says cheerfully again, changing the subject. I go along with it, and while we're pacing around like crazy, we're making up for lost time.
Now we're in the right dimension. Our dimension.
Now everything is okay, finally. Relief.

Seb couldn't wait to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and now that they've put a microphone in front of him and are filming him without any possibility of twisting his words, he shamelessly blurts out everything that really happened, saying he knew nothing of their decision, that it wasn't consensual and that he never received a contract offer, as they had claimed.
When we leave I look at him in both surprise and admiration; it’s as if I'm making a mental note of how one should act in these cases.
He's shown unparalleled class and courage.
- And now with Mattia? - I ask curiously.
Seb, without looking at me and advancing beside me out of the press room, replies with such confidence that it makes me shiver: - And now Mattia will have to have the balls to look me in the eye and tell me something about it, but I don't think he will.
- Do you think he'll pretend nothing happened and put a good face on it? - I reply logically. Seb moves his eyes to mine. I can only see them and they're similar to Max's, but with a different shade. His are more mature with a different light that I couldn't quite judge.
- Oh, definitely.
- And you're going to look for a comparison?
- I would have looked for it before. I don't care now, I just wanted to dot the i's.
- The media will surely ask him for his version of events. What do you think he'll say?
- I can't wait to find out!
When he says this, he turns his head completely toward me; with the mask on, I can't see his entire face, but I'm very sure he's smiling with such sadism that it makes me shiver and smile in amusedly in turn. It's like being at the cinema in a suspense film. Eventually Seb will leave here, but he'll definitely do it with class and I have to be honest, I don't know if I'll be able to be like him when the same thing happens to me in a few years, but I hope so.
I absorb his every gesture, and I've been doing so ever since the news broke. He didn't say anything, he stayed quiet. Even when we saw each other again at the factory and got back to work, he was always cheerful and serene, challenging Mattia with his gaze, trying to get him to say something. But Mattia never said anything and Seb didn't pave the way for him, didn't make it easy for him, even though maybe that was the ideal thing, right? Everyone pretending things were going well. It was the elephant in the glass room.
As if everyone was expecting the spark to come at any moment, but nothing happened.
Then he comes here and smiles at everyone, laughs, jokes and doesn't make a drama, as if his lack of renewal and the way he was let go were no big deal.
Finally here, in front of everyone, filmed and broadcast around the world, he blurts out the truth with such calm and coolness that it makes you shudder. Then, with his head held high and his back straight, he walks away without shame.
That's how it is, after all.
I don't think he'll stop talking to Mattia; he won't be a jerk or a bitter guy. He'll do more or less the same thing he did with me.
Polite, kind as is appropriate, he'll maintain a professional relationship that's impeccable to say the least, but it'll always be the same.
It's a shame Mattia doesn't care and he'll be fine with that.
I was the one who didn't like that treatment, because I'd seen how wonderful it was to be treated with affection and friendship by Seb.
Well, let's say that mistakes, even if they're unintentional, still help you grow; it's usually better if you make them yourself.
I want to have his strength of spirit and his class, but they're not things you learn and master; you admire them, you envy them, but either you have them or you don't, and I don't know how I'd behave in his situation.
Max would openly bark insults without hesitation. Right now I think I'd avoid making any statements, but we know that in this environment you can't not respond to certain things, so what would I do? Could I tell the simple truth and smile candidly without losing my class and kindness?
When we separate to continue with our respective teams' programs, I feel light and relaxed. Much more than I would have thought.
We're experiencing a tense and strange situation in many ways, both because of COVID and these races, which are different from how we've always done them, and because of the risks involved with this disease and all the associated rules in case even one of us tests positive, not necessarily just among the drivers. Then there's the issue of Seb and his contract. I don't know how he's coping with everything he's going through. He has a whole season to race in absurd conditions, but he's calm and talks to me, laughs and jokes as if we hadn't had any problems at the end of last year. I think back to the famous fight with Lewis in 2017 which was of world knowledge, and the fact that they're together now.
I don't know if I could ever learn a single thing from Seb. I think he's unique and the more I get to know him, the more I realize I admire him and in relation to that, I feel calm and relaxed.
Because he and I, now, we’re back on good terms and it's incredibly nice to be on good terms with Sebastian Vettel, given that I know what it feels like not to be.
Smiling, I go to my team and, with an enthusiasm I didn't have at the start of the day, I tell them I'm ready for the track walk and maybe, this time, they'll see something in my eyes. Who knows? Small improvements?”

/Max/

“I thought I was angry with him, and at the beginning of the year, I was. For most of the time, in fact, I was, although perhaps it was just my typical way of overcoming a difficult time represented by isolation and the pandemic.
There was also the risk of us getting sick and for my parents to get seriously ill. It wasn't easy and everyone reacts in their own way.
I was angry with Charles, but then when I saw him again in Austria, while I was secretly studying him from afar, I understood.
He's on his inner journey, as he promised he would.
He's taking care of himself.
I saw it in his attempts to smile through the mask; he wasn't trying to show he was fine and he didn't force a smile at all costs, but on a few occasions he did it spontaneously. I happened to see him and Seb laughing and his eyes were much more convincing than I'd ever seen them since he arrived in F1, even if always with that imperfect aftertaste.
I was happy for him. He had definitely mended his relationship with Seb and that probably made him happy. I don't know what else he's done these past few months or what he's doing, but as the year goes on we're both more on our own than ever. If we cross paths, we speak cordially and politely, neither of us shows any resentment toward the other, but we don't try to provoke each other like we did last year.
We stay calm in our respective places, we observe each other from afar, we wait and when I see him smile more than usual, when I see him perhaps show some emotion more than usual, I feel genuinely happy for him. As if he were an important person in my life. As if I really felt something.
Every now and then I ask myself, when he'll finish his climb, what will I be for him? Will there still be an "us"?
I don't force anything, I let things between us go slowly and calmly, and sometimes I think it's over.
I missed the train. In our case, the car.
I didn't set a good time in qualifying and in the race I'm starting too far behind him.
He's also found another girlfriend, I think to better mask what the mask can no longer hide.
It's a wonderful contradiction and I smile about it, but he's right.
There's no point in showing too much to the world, but only to those who matter. Who will be the people he can be himself with and let loose with?
For a few months, last year, that was me. But now?
Now I see him well again and more relaxed with Seb and the guys in his circle - Alex, George, Lando - even with Pierre I see him well again, not to mention his team.
It's a slow and long journey, and for now he's selective, so his Charlotte comes to protect him from all the others who aren't his comfort zone.
Does she protect him from me too?
Judging by how little and moderate he interacts, I think so.
Maybe he's changed his mind, in the end. That it’s too difficult with me and it's not worth it, because he can't trust too much and my best side is so well hidden that it's hard to notice and bring it out. Why am I doing this?
I watch Kelly penetratingly, with these thoughts in which I feel increasingly distant from him.
Maybe I should just do like him, protect myself with a beautiful woman who will always make me feel safe in any situation.
She'll give me a sense of normalcy, something that will help me feel better in the world, to receive fewer bad looks, criticisms and judgments. I'll feel a little better around others, in front of everyone.
And who knows what Charles will think?
Kelly is really beautiful, as is his Charlotte. They are cheerful girls made to be by someone's side and improve their image, perfect for that role, the role of girlfriend.
I'm not interested in adventures anymore. I thought it was the lack of sex and adventures that made me intractable, but perhaps it was the diversity that was now impossible to ignore. My diversity.
I've never been like the others, and it never bothered me, but now that it's perhaps the very reason Charles never had the courage to take that step towards me, it weighs on me and burns me, and this need for normality, at least apparently, has never been so great.
So I'll try something new, by my standards, doing something totally normal. Maybe this will help me overcome this constant restlessness that makes me snap with stratospheric ease, becoming so fucking obnoxious that I can't stand myself.

*2021*

Once I've gotten through 2020 relatively unscathed, I think I can handle anything.
For us privileged people it's certainly different, it's true; we've undergone significant changes in our routines and professional lives, and those who worked in healthcare will certainly have been happier than us with the end of this year, hoping that 2021 will be a little better. But ultimately we all experienced a kind of suspension in our lives, and when they resumed, everything was different. The way you had to live was dictated by rules established by someone else and you couldn't choose exempt yourself and do whatever the fuck you wanted.
It also depends on what part of the world you live in, but for us F1 drivers this concept has always been relative, as it's like living literally anywhere. So it was a matter of constantly adapting to local rules, which were broadly similar, since they were established by global body of competency, but then each government specifically adopted its own additional ones. There were places that were hardest hit, places you couldn't even get in, others you could get in but with a thousand restrictions, and still others that were quite accessible.
For someone like me and many others like me, accustomed to doing whatever we want, not being able to do a damn thing was frustrating. Then there are those more accustomed to the rules and those more anarchic.
Guess who I am?

Focusing on this relationship, which was new to me because I've never wanted to be involved with a single, serious relationship, was wonderful.
Kelly is a wonderful woman, brilliant and very sweet. She didn't race, but her father is Nelson Piquet, a famous former driver and multiple F1 champion, so she understands what it means to be around a driver.
She has a little daughter, Penelope, who's two, but I don't have to marry her. Sooner or later it will end, so it's all good. I mean, the daughter is hers and that idiot Kvyat.
Kelly is eight years older than me, but she's truly gorgeous and the fact that I managed to have sex with her more than once, made me realize that this could be my experiment this year.
I don't regret it yet, I think it's the right choice and her daughter is adorable so far; at that age, I think kids are always cute. By the time she grows up and becomes problematic, she and I will definitely have broken up.
She's not just a fake girlfriend like Charles's probably are. For me Kelly must be a serious attempt to have a real woman nearby. I want to see what it feels like to be normal and have what everyone else has.
I need normality. So it's not a random choice, it wasn't enough that she was beautiful. I wanted something more and I think I made the right choice.
But to really know, I have to wait for time to take its course. For now the feeling is positive, although I must admit that sometimes I wonder if Charles has noticed that I have a steady woman now.”

NOTES: It was important to show their lives now that they're light years apart, as perhaps they've never been. Each follows their own path, makes their own choices, tries to take care of themselves. But this leads them to drift apart. Charles's small, positive change is that he now feels at ease with those he deems worthy of his precious friendship, and laughs and jokes better than he did before. He finally stops constantly thinking about how he should be or how he appears. I also wanted to "show" it through Max's objective eyes, which truly attests to the beginning of his change. For him, Kelly's arrival is something important and I wanted to handle that way, like his attempt at normalcy in reaction to the suffering Charles has caused him. I wanted to move quickly through 2020 because the abyss between them isn't fun to write about. But luckily 2021 has arrived. What's new? Until next time. Kisses, Akane