55. FIELD INVESTIGATIONS

/Max/

"The new F1 season is starting off more normally than last year, even if it's still different than usual; the stages have been heavily reworked and some have been changed; in some countries there are two GPs, while in others there are none. For obvious reasons, for example, there's no race in China and the first is no longer Melbourne but Bahrain.
There's still a lot of enthusiasm and I'm happy that last season is over, given how awful it was. I have higher expectations for this one from a racing standpoint; the car seems more promising, who knows. I have more hope, honestly.
Last year, I stayed away from Charles like he was a plague victim and he did the same. It was as if we were terrified of being together too much and alone too much, as if who knows what could happen. I have to say that the situation we were in due to COVID made things easier for us.
This year, things will be less rigid; we'll have a little more freedom, even if we'll still have to wear masks, distances and who knows how many other irritating measures, but let's say we're slowly moving toward a new normal.
A normality that will never be the same again because this pandemic has left its mark on the world, whether we like it or not.
Starting a new season is beautiful; there are many feelings and conflicting emotions at play.
There's inevitably some anxiety about what it will be like with Charles; we can't continue to ignore and avoid each other forever, I think. Has he reacted to the news that I have a steady girlfriend? Will he be shocked? Maybe this will push him to stop dodging me like he's on a racetrack full of cars crashing left and right.
I don't want to say that I started this personal project with Kelly to see if Charles would react, but it's something I want to take advantage of.
As soon as we see each other, the first thing he does will be very revealing. I'm very curious, I can almost wait. I think it will be hard, in fact, to contain this euphoria.

Like every time you want something so badly and never get it, when you stop waiting, it arrives.
I literally spent the whole day looking for him on purpose. I hadn't done it in a whole year, so it was strange to say the least, and for a moment I felt pathetic again.
And what was I looking for? To see if he'd react or if he'd run away again?
I felt so stupid that I finally said to myself, 'Fuck him! It'll happen when it happens.'
And so I finally see him at dinner.
Usually on Wednesdays, especially in the evenings, we drivers were all used to going out and having fun because we are free, but now there's nothing we can do anymore, so we all stayed here and will stay here after dinner to spend the rest of the evening.
It's sad and irritating, but the hotel we're staying in here in Manama is truly huge and super luxurious, and there's no shortage of places to spend the evening pleasantly, except that, well... the inside is not the outside. We love wandering around the city, going to typical places, trying different things. Whereas now you're forced to sit here and make do with what the organization offers.
It's really stressful, but as soon as I see him, just when I'd stopped looking, it feels like there are finally no more restrictions, like Covid never arrived and everything is as usual.
Beautiful and inspiring.
Charles doesn't look at me right away; he arrives with his usual guardian angels, all diligently wearing masks, sanitizing their hands at the entrance. They're joined by other members of his team. They're told that the tables have a maximum capacity and a series of other rules, and they also explain the measures taken to maintain safety.
After everything's explained, they're led to the table reserved for Mr. Leclerc. If he wanted to eat with someone else, like me, couldn't he?
Damn, when will this shit end?
I sigh as I scrutinize him before he notices me; I see that his gaze is always impeccable and impassive. He listens to what they tell him, follows directions diligently, responds politely, always bows his head and his eyes never slant.
As soon as they sit down and finally leave them alone, he rolls his eyes in exasperation and when he does, I jump on the spot and open mine wide in shock.
What?
Charles Leclerc making an expression, and an annoyed one?
Oh shit!
So he's really made progress over the past year!
Do you see he's made progress?
He's still trying to contain and control himself and do what he feels he has to do even if it's not what he wants to do.
For example, I impatiently said, "Yes, yes, okay, enough," and sent them away. Damn, they wouldn't let go!
Only after a while does Charles look around the huge, well-appointed restaurant; each table is spaced far enough apart and there aren't too many tables, as they said.
Everything is very bright, modern and luxurious.
It takes a while to view everything: not all the seats are full, but there's already a bit of us. Only when he finally reaches me, several tables away, does he stop and light up.
When he does that, it surprises me and hits me like a punch in the gut.
Yes, yes, I'm sure of it.
He lights up.
He raises his hand and greets me, not pretending not to see me, not even making a brief gesture. He greets me so properly that the others with him notice and turn to look at who he greets, so I greet them back.
I don't have the same relationship with my co-workers as he does, but it seems like everything was pre-arranged, even who we'd be dining with. I tried to say I wanted to sit with Lando, but it wasn't possible, so I even told them to go fuck themselves in Dutch.
I feel stunned by his spontaneous reaction; it's clear it was truly felt.
Maybe it's true, then. A whole year of avoiding and mostly ignoring each other, and when we do meet, limiting ourselves to a few generic exchanges, but it was worth it.
For a moment I feel like it'll be like starting over, as if we're meeting for the first time. It's an idea that flashes through my mind before I start to eat and break eye contact with him.
It's strange, but it could be true, if he's taken some kind of path to help himself, right? Whatever he did, it might have really worked. I could be dealing with another Charles. Who knows. Maybe this year won't be so bad.

After dinner we wanted to stop in one of the hotel's many spacious relaxation areas, the usual group of us drivers—Charles, Alex, George, Lando and this time Carlos, not all the hotel guests—but they gave us badly looks. So I suggested we pretend to go to our room and then meet up at my place one by one without getting caught, to at least have a decent evening.
Gatherings aren't allowed, they say it'll be like this for most of 2021 and it doesn't really matter where we are. These are the general rules, so if there are three of us and we keep our distance and wear masks at all times, it's one thing, but anything more is still prohibited.
We're all arguing because we're the same drivers who will be racing this weekend and we'll be surrounded by tons of people constantly; even if everyone wears masks and keeps distance, gatherings will still happen.
- We’re supposed to be monitored. - Charles says patiently while he's here with us. This is the first thing he says to me after all the months of hiatus since the previous season.
- With the swabs, I mean. - he adds seeing me look at him in surprise. My surprise isn't at what he said, but at the fact that he did it and was so calm, as if nothing had ever happened between us.
I hold out my hand without thinking, as if introducing myself for the first time; he looks at it puzzled, standing still like everyone else in front of the elevators and obviously doesn't take it. He stares at me like I'm an idiot.
- Have you drink? - a flashback of that night, now two years ago, at my house in the middle of the night, with him having an existential crisis and me telling him exactly this, comes over me, and I know, I don't know how, but I KNOW, that he said it on purpose. As if to bring it back to me after all these years. Because he took it even though he was out of his mind that night. And if he's joking about it, he's really healed, right?
- No, I didn’t. And you? - I answer immediately. - What have you done with Charles? Who are you?
Charles' eyes widen, but all three elevator doors open at once. At this point the scene is hilarious. Lando, Alex and I act in perfect sync, without having even planned it beforehand. We look at the three elevators, we look at the security guard who's glaring at us, to say the least, and each of us grabs the first wrist that comes to hand and pulls ourselves into an elevator in pairs, following the instructions: ‘Maximum two people at a time, keep a safe distance.’
Well, we had no choice; there were six of us in three elevators, each with a maximum of two people: math is not an option, right?
We don't pay attention while we do it—at least I don’t, I don’t know about the others disappearing into their cockpits—but the fact that I took Charles, Alex took George and Lando took Carlos at random and without planning makes laugh. And not just me, Charles too that instead of getting embarrassed and staring at me like I'd gone crazy, he and his mask still on burst out laughing.
Why isn't he embarrassed? Why isn't he worried about who knows what? Why doesn't he tense up? But no, he's there now and he’s laughing after all the trouble he had doing it, on top of being alone with me. He laughs.
And I'm completely screwed.
It's also funny because they're actually couples in their private lives, but Charles and I aren't and yet we just acted as if we were. Well, me at least.
I'm stunned staring at him, almost ecstatic and dazzled, as well as deeply shocked.
His eyes are undeniably laughing, I'm sure of it, absolutely sure. It's not like last year, when it happened rarely and with a select few—Seb and Pierre, I haven't seen him laugh like that with others—and when he was saying funny things or talking about normal or serious things, his eyes were always the same.
This time he laughs and the shock is such that without hesitation or reflection—I haven't learned how to do it yet—I grab his mask and pull it down suddenly because I absolutely need to see his whole face while he does it.
He's even more beautiful than I remembered. To be honest, I saw him from afar at the table while he was eating, without a mask, then last year on the circuit I didn't really have the chance to see him without one because it was actually forbidden. Of course you had to take it off to put on all your running gear, but I wasn't just standing there staring at him in those moments. I had my own things to do, too.
As I look at him without his mask, all lit up with genuine laughter, I lower mine and stare at him in amazement, realizing I haven't seen him in a long time without anything on his face and in this happy state. It strikes me deeply and gives me a rush of joy. It's what I was waiting for, right?
For him to settle down and be able to laugh and express what he feels.
As soon as I do, Charles is surprised by my sudden gesture, but he continues to laugh instead of getting embarrassed; he even tilts his head back and leans against one of the mirrored walls of the elevator as it ascends.
For a moment I think about stopping everything and jumping on him. Old habits. But I don't, obviously.
I should be able to control myself. I swore he'd do everything when he felt like it, although now I've dragged him inside with me.
He's just so handsome and I wasn't ready to be alone with him like this. So relaxed and having fun.
Let's laugh together. How long has it been since we've done that? I could get drunk just like this.
But his eyes, even when he's laughing, always have a vague melancholy aftertaste. There's still that something holding him down, but the fact that he's laughing is beautiful and positive. Without realizing it, my smile fades and I stay there looking at him; he notices it too, while I bless this thousand-floor hotel that lets us go up to the top, the best floor for the view and the rooms, the one reserved for driver.
- We didn't agree, but we did the same thing. It was fun... - he explains, as if he feels out of place laughing so much. Maybe he feels silly and I understanding it, I light up again and nod.
- Anyway, we're all tested negative, so we can be however the fuck we want without all that nonsense! - I say in response to what we were talking about before; he smiles amusedly again.
- You really hate it when they force you to do something, huh?
- It’s not because of what they make us do that maybe it's right, it's the prohibition itself that pisses me off! -
He shakes his head remaining in this wonderfully light-hearted version of himself, which I don't even think I've ever seen in him lately; I try not to feel both demoralized and over the moon, but it's simply beautiful. Both him and being like this now.
It's easy.
Fucking easy. More than I imagined. I don't know what the hell he did, maybe I've changed too and it's easier to be around me, who knows.
But I don't want this fucking elevator to ever arrive. For a moment I think it's infinite, the hotel, and that it will rise forever. We still look at each other, unable to take our eyes off each other, and it's fucking beautiful as the smiles fade and we remain serious, staring and observing each other.
Serious as if we were suspended in time, between the before and the after, as if everything was still here between us and we were ready to face everything and talk about it.
We will. In this moment, staring into his eyes, still smiling but absorbed in something I can't clearly decipher, I think that later we'll calmly talk about it. We'll talk about ourselves again and pick up where we left off, but as the elevator stops, I also feel that there might not be the outcome I'd hoped for for over a year.
The break he'd requested is over, but the outcome might be different than what hoped. What if I'd waited so long for nothing?
But I won't change my mind. The doors open and I let him out first, I see him put on his mask and I do the same behind him, not knowing if there's a controller on every damn floor.
I'd decided I'd never try first with him again and that if he wanted to, he'd have to do it. And I also wanted to meet him to see if he'd say or do anything about the news about me and Kelly. Me, Mr. Free Practice, getting with a steady girl? Isn't that shocking?
But it's also true that it wasn't a normal moment. We were all together and we were looking for a way to spend some fucking time together without fucking restrictions and bullshit controls; it's not that one thinks about private, intimate and emotional things in certain cases.
And then there was that beautiful laugh between us, which was spontaneous and unexpected, but beautiful.
Now we're back with the others, we'll spend time together as planned and then I'll somehow find a way to create the atmosphere. Will he say something? Will he ask me about Kelly?”

/Charles/

"The doors open, we leave and become serious again. I give a polite smile to the guy who monitors the floor—of course there was one for each.
The other four arrive with us, we move as planned talking among ourselves, and when we reach our respective rooms, each of us goes into his own.
Everyone except me who somehow ends up dragged into Max's room. I just felt his hand on my wrist, I turned to look at him to see what was wrong and he was staring past me at the security guy. Then he took me into his room.
I don't know how they're going to move around if that guy is there. I think about it for a moment.
- He won't be there all the time... - Max says thinking about what I was thinking too. I look at him and another little laugh escapes me. I think I'm happy and excited at the same time.
Before, in the restaurant, I acted completely on instinct; I greeted him from a distance as if we didn't have a past. I wanted to do it and I did.
And now the same thing: I laughed a lot in the elevator because before getting in, all three of them—him, Lando and Alex—looked in perfect sync at the doors and then at the guards who were glaring at us. They made the same sign like naughty children, which is visible even with masks on, then each pulled their partner into an elevator.
I don't know, it was something banal, but it made me laugh a lot because they acted without agreement, doing the exact same idiotic thing.
For a moment I thought 'Oh, now I'm fine! I missed these idiots!'
Now that I'm alone with him, my heart is pounding and I'm frantic, but I can't stop smiling; I think back to before, when he suddenly lowered my mask, but I knew it was because he was surprised to see me laughing so much, so I laughed even harder.
Now I think about it. Will he do it again?
As if he could read my mind, he slowly approaches me, takes off his and when he's in front of me, he takes mine and lowers it.
For a moment everything is strange. I want to worry, get agitated, become serious and take a step back, but I stay still, waiting to see what he'll do.
Will he try again with me?
This year is strange, it's different from last. We both noticed it right away.
Last year we were distant, now it's almost as if we've been looking for each other.
I don't know, I feel ready to start again after the total suspension.
2020 was useful in its own way, but now I think that what remains to be done to help myself, I can only do among others.
- You’re selective. - he then acts as if he's had an epiphany about something he's been trying to understand by scrutinizing me. He was staring at me from a distance even before, in the restaurant; I can imagine the reason. After that scene at his house two years ago, he'll be apprehensive, he'll have thought he was dealing with a madman. Who can blame him? I thought so too.
- What do you mean?
- Your eyes... they don't always follow you. Sometimes, yes, but other times...
Understanding what he means, I finish his sentence as if I were reading his mind now.
- I only smile seriously when I feel like it. I know it's hard to understand if I'm wearing a mask and I always look like I'm one-faced, but you know... - I shrug, almost embarrassed and even shy. - I don't care anymore. I do what I feel like.
- So you really want to laugh with me?
He hits the mark immediately with disconcerting speed. How the hell does he have those reflexes?
I bite my lip and sigh shrugging my shoulder, feeling awkward and embarrassed as if it were the first time we'd been alone together.
But it really feels like it, even if it's not.
- So you did something about that matter that was bothering you?
The matter that was bothering me. I don't even remember what I threw up on him that night. I just remember asking him if he saw me as a kid as truly happy.
I sigh and step back, starting to wander around the empty room a little nervously. It's similar to mine, a luxurious and comfortable double room, medium-sized. His, like mine, feels like a battlefield.
I melt while I distract myself, then return to my answer.
- Nothing special, actually. I just started playing the piano. - I say almost embarrassedly.
Max exclaims in surprise: - The piano?! - as if it were strange.
I smile understanding why he's surprised; I nod.
- Yes, the piano. I haven't done anything special, but somehow I think it's helping me. I haven't been to any therapist... - I continue more calmly heading to the large window where the curtains are open; on this top floor we all have a breathtaking view of Manama at night. It's a real shame to be stuck in our room on what should be a free evening.
I stop to admire it with my hands in the pockets of my comfortable, baggy pants.
- I didn't talk to anyone, nor did I go anywhere. I just played music and depending on what came out, I could tell what I was feeling and how I was feeling. I... - I reflect raising my eyes to try to translate what I've done into reality. - I think I simply tried to truly understand how I feel and who I am, you know? I externalized what I was feeling in a way that was appropriate for me.
I half-turn toward him to see if he understands me and am surprised to see that he's joined me, but he doesn't look at me. He looks outside the window like I do.
- Okay. - he nods. Then he adds softly, in a low whisper: - And what did you understand?
He cares. He still cares a lot about me. I realize it now as he insists on investigating me and what I've done. I was afraid he'd had enough about me and didn't care anymore. I was terrified of having lost him, but maybe that's not the case.
- That I'm depressed! - I summarize with a shame-filled smile. Is it so bad to be depressed and admit it? Please, don't ask me anything else. Don't elaborate. Don't ask me why I dare be depressed even though I'm a rich, famous F1 driver living his dream. Please, Max, understand me.
And he understands, as he observes me with obsessive care with those piercing blue eyes of his. He sees my embarrassment and shame and the hope he doesn’t ask; so he nods again and doesn't speak anymore, displaying a surprising delicacy that I'm now starting to get used to.
I stare at him for a moment, feeling stupidly happy for this moment between us. Then I remember what shocked me so much in January, when I decided it was time to get out of this suspension from life and return to the world.
- And what about you? Mr. Free Practice? What happened to your favorite motto?
At this Max bursts into laughter, throwing his head back, and I see him more happy than amused. He knew, or perhaps hoped, that I would ask.
But then he stops laughing and looks at me still amused trying to look serious. Our arms almost touch, close to each other.
Shivers run through us as we look at each other.
Who knows if he'll do something like every time we were alone in certain situations?
A part of me hopes so, another part is still terrified.
Now he's here in front of me and I see him clearly: but what was I watching until now? What was I doing?
Am I still such a fucking horrible being?
Embarrassment hits me. Not embarrassment for us, but for me. What the hell am I like? How many things about myself do I still have to discover?
- I'm sorry. I didn't imagine you felt this way. - I say, lowering my gaze frightened, now, at the thought of meeting his. I'm so far from the state of decency I'm trying to achieve.
- You don't have to. Before the forced isolation, I had no idea I needed it or how I was... - he immediately tries to reassure me by looking at me, but I can't anymore. I feel like shit, I really feel like shit. Just now, when I was finally feeling good. I could be alone with him, I wanted him to try again to see how I would feel, whether like before or differently, but now I just feel like shit.
I shake my head, unable to speak anymore, and it's here that he grabs my arm and pulls me to force me to turn around. When he touches me, I feel electrified and I immediately look at him, almost scared.
I'm so alive again and I shouldn't, I should feel guilty for never having noticed his discomfort.
But it's a moment. A very brief but distinct moment. As soon as he touches me, I feel like I used to with him again, only different at the same time.
Now he's more beautiful, maybe because I missed him like crazy, and without thinking I smile with burning eyes. I smile gratefully. Sincerely grateful.
- I missed you, you know? - I say without specifying how or why. I don't need to say that in 2020 I was far away from him and it was like being light years apart even though we saw each other at races. I don't need to say that I wanted it. He knows.
He, struck by what I say and taken aback, smiles sweetly as he always did with me. He hasn't changed at all, though, and that comforts me. He hasn't changed with me at least. Maybe he tried, maybe he wanted to, but here we are.
Spontaneous and... well, whatever he feels for me, it's still there. Now that he reciprocates and his hand continues to squeeze my arm, I realize it and raise mine to squeeze his in return. We stay like that for a moment, watching and touching each other.
- You too. - he replies hoarsely. He wants to ask me more questions, maybe about Charlotte, who knows. I'd like to tell him she's just a need for protection, in a way, and to clarify that it's nothing serious, but there's a knock on the door and everything stops.
When he opens, we find a herd of four buffalo attacking us at the same time, they push us and close the door laughing like crazy.
- How the hell did you all do it together? - I ask not understanding. The guard wouldn't have let them. I honestly didn't think they'd even be able to. And they begin their story, each completing a section:
- We called down to reception and said we wanted to speak to the guy on this floor.
- We’d read his name on the card.
- And so when we heard him leaving, we all rushed here right away!
- But then I don't know how we'll get back to our room; we can't use the same system!
- Also because now that he's gone to answer the call, he'll see there was no one on the phone, so the trick won't work again!
- You’ve masked your voice, I hope!
- George disguised it, the others were too identifiable!
We keep laughing as we all come to the logical conclusion that either we all sleep here or one of us will sacrifice himself and go out to distract him by asking for something that requires him to move, perhaps pretending to be sick, while the others go back to their rooms.
Anyway we spend the whole time planning how to do it, proposing absurd things like we were in a spy movie; we have a lot of fun with practically nothing and like six overgrown children. I'm really feeling good, finally.
I really wish this night would never end, it feels like the first one in seven years.
I still have a long way, I know, but for now I like what I've done. I can feel relaxed and at least myself with someone, even if it's just a few, and in any case I don't try to force myself to feel or show things I don't feel. If I feel it, it's fine; otherwise, it's the same. It doesn't matter.
I think that sooner or later I'll feel normal and comfortable enough with myself to be with someone seriously without the fear of hurting them. As I think about it, my gaze wanders to Max who's laughing at some of the others' jokes and adding some of his own.
Who knows, maybe the final step to reach that goal will be taken with the person directly concerned?
Assuming that the person in question still wants me.” 

NOTES: In 2021, Alex is no longer part of Red Bull because he's replaced by Sergio Perez, but he's still the third driver. Since he doesn't drive in other categories or championships that year, and since third drivers often are present in the circuits anyway, I thought I'd include him. To be honest, I'd completely forgotten about the detail that he wasn't in F1 in 2021 and I'd written about him being present in the chapters, but since it was too late to edit, I thought I'd use this little trick. I apologize for the oversight. Then he returns in 2022 with Williams.

At that time, the first few months of 2021, things were slightly better than in 2020, but there were still a lot of restrictions because the peaks came and went at full speed. It seems like a lifetime ago, but it's actually five years. In any case, I'm sure Max hated all those restrictions regardless. I remember there was a long line to get in the elevators because there were only two people allowed at a time, and tables couldn't hold more than a certain number of people, and they were strictly spaced apart. In short, it was a huge hassle. I imagined that in such special and renowned places, to avoid trouble, they were so strict they even had security guards on each floor. I don't know if it's realistic, but these ideas came to mind.
Finally, Max and Charles found themselves alone and not with the intention of keeping each other at arm's length. Will they be able to finish that interrupted conversation? They've changed from how they were, but what will this mean for their relationship? Thanks for your attention. See you next time. Kisses, Akane