77. STOP BEING SELFISH

/Charles/

“It's like a harsh reality.
Coming home and planning our first vacation since we got together is almost a slap in the face, because the desire to do something together is enormous, but it ends with the harsh, bitter realization that we can't because he's serious with Kelly now, and I'm still with Charlotte and now more than ever I need to stay with her. 
So, swallowing a lot of frustration, I ask for an audience with Pierre, knowing it's best to talk to him about me and Max right away: is definitely the case! 
Before doing so, I have the decency to tell Max, and before sending the message to Max, a bell rings in my head and makes me reread what I've written, vaguely sensing that something's wrong. 
What could it be? 
'I'm going out with Pierre, I have to tell him about us.'
I mean, before there was an actual "us," I would never have told him before. At most, I would have done it later. 
Now I'll tell him first. What's wrong? 
Maybe I should add a question mark? 
More than warning him, maybe I should let him know?
Let's see how it sounds. 
'I'd like to tell Pierre about us, is that okay?'
I read it and I grimace scratching the back of my neck, feeling an annoying itch like hives. 
What the fuck am I going to do? I still have time to screw everything up. I've had many girlfriends, more or less real, but I've never behaved like this. I've always decided everything. What we did. When. How. With whom. 
Now I have to ask? And why on earth?
Because I remember the previous episodes and how easily we argued over less serious bullshit. 
So I sigh and send him this second version before calling Pierre. 
To this, Max responds immediately. 
'I was just thinking about telling Daniel. It seems fair.'
I take that as a yes. 
As I read that he wants to tell Daniel, a pang of stinging jealousy grips my stomach and I grimace bitterly, thinking that if I were in anyone's company I'd have to fake a stomachache. 
So I understand. 
I was right to ask him instead of just telling him. He's definitely still jealous of Pierre too, and I think we'll both always be a little jealous of each other.
After all, Daniel understood before me that Max had a beautiful, fragile world beneath the tough, piece-of-shit exterior he flaunts for everyone. 

It's easier to tell Pierre, especially since he already knew something.
I do it during a day on a four-person boat with our respective girlfriends, sitting in front of one of the fruity cocktails we've learned to make, which make us more communicative and relaxed.
The music allows us to stay out of earshot, and the girls are currently sunbathing on the cushioned loungers at the stern of the yacht, while Pierre and I athletically passed over the long nose which you only get on if you're particularly agile. The girls prefer to avoid the risk of breaking a leg, while Pierre and I most of the time prefer to isolate ourselves very strategically.
Getting together on a day like this is strange because we haven't done it in ages. Maybe since before all this chaos between us broke out.
When I told him I wanted to organize a day together for four, he had a heart attack and obviously didn't hide it.
I laughed and maybe that's what made him realize I was fine and that everything was okay.
- You know, for a moment I was afraid you'd regret everything and wanted to tell me to try again. So suddenly and after so long.
Pierre never keeps anything to himself, he doesn't even ask himself if certain things are worth saying.
I laugh in return, resting my head behind me on the raised area that acts as a protective glass when I drive. One hand behind my neck, where my hair is now dry from the earlier bath. It's stiff with salt and unkempt.
I turn my head to Pierre who has strangely gone silent and I see him scrutinizing me, but since Max always does that, now I understand why he does it too.
- Do you want to know if I'm actually laughing now or if I'm faking it? Wait, what was it? Am I simulating?
I never meant to make that jab, but it's the result of this cocktail that's number 3, I think.
I immediately regret it and apologize, becoming serious and looking away, but he gives me a nudge that feels like a caress.
- I deserve it, don't worry.
With that I stare at him in surprise. He smiles at me and even though we're wearing sunglasses, we can see each other well enough to understand.
- I don't know if you were simulating it then, but I know you're not anymore. I can tell you're truly happy. - he says with an enigmatic smile, perhaps a little melancholy, which barely hides the seriousness he's now passed on.
Despite the cheerful music, a veil of solemnity seems to have descended and I feel uncomfortable for a moment.
I stare at the cool glass of ice in my hand; the reddish liquid inside is half filled, but in reality I can't see it anymore.
It was the right thing to do, but I wonder if I could have done it differently. Maybe I wanted to test myself and he knows it, as he always knows everything about me, after all.
- I imagine you came to tell me the reason for this happiness.
But he seems to already know that too.
I can hear it in his voice which is now a whisper, I can barely make it out from being next to him. I rub my lips uncomfortably, not daring to look at him. I think if I had to pull a tooth, I'd feel better.
- I got together with Max. - There was no other way to say it, and it had to be right away and in person.
I hold my breath, straining my ears and every sense to perceive any reaction from him that doesn't come right away. He, so spontaneous and immediate, waits.
The fact that he already knew Max and I liked each other is one thing, but now it's done. Now we're truly together.
It's different.
He's with Yuki and it shouldn't be a problem that I'm with Max now, but somehow we both know it's different.
Because no matter how much Pierre and I talked, he never asked me why we end together that time. He asked me how I felt about him, but not why I chose him. It was never a conversation we had.
It's just that if we did, I'd have to lie to him. I certainly couldn't tell him I needed to distract myself from the black hole inside me. That's not a good reason to be with someone, even though we've never talked about ourselves, and when we did, we broke it off.
Yuki is a reaction to me, an attempt to heal himself, let's say.
Max is different and only I know it; but if he delved deeper, Pierre would understand.
Please, don't do it.
- It’s about time. - he says after a while. As soon as he speaks, I look at him with surprise and he returns the glance, pushing up his sunglasses to let me see his sincerely serene blue eyes.
There's not a hint of a tear or a second thought.
After all he's known since last summer that Max and I liked each other; he knew it would happen sooner or later.
- I thought you guys would get together earlier. That day you seemed like you were about to, right?
I shrug and look away, so he lowers his glasses and does the same. He sips his now watered-down cocktail.
- Yeah… but you know how we are. We're both stubborn. It finally happened in Abu Dhabi at his party. We were both drunk, but the next morning we did it again to remind ourselves. I mean, it was about time, as you say!
I finish with an uncomfortable and embarrassed chuckle, biting my lip nervously while I think the sun is really cooking us, but neither of us notices and we're going to pay dearly for it tonight.
- Good, I'm glad you made it. It doesn't matter how, as long as it goes, right? Are you happy? Do you regret it? You seem happy or you wouldn't have told me. I heard you excited on the phone, I immediately knew you had something nice to say.
Pierre starts talking like a machine gun without giving me time to respond, as is his style, and I thank him for being that way because in an instant he sweeps away all my insecurities like a tornado. Now we can rebuild something healthy, like perhaps never before.
Once upon a time when we were little, we were like brothers and we were happy there, then as we both grew up we began to understand our true instincts, and perhaps that's when something began to change between us, even if we didn't realize it until much later.
It's almost like going back to a time when we were happy, but perhaps we're fooling ourselves into thinking that's true. Maybe I need to think of him in those terms and convince myself that everything is fine now.
Because I know it's going to be hard with Max, because we're both complicated people and it's going to be difficult; I’ll need someone's support and I can't imagine anyone but him supporting me.
Without realizing it, I talk to him about me and Max, about how he makes me feel without going into too much detail; until I mention the topic that's so close to my heart, trying to measure the way I talk about it.
Why can't I ever be spontaneous in my life? Maybe it's true that I've always been spontaneous only and exclusively with Max, which is why he always thought of me as a demon, as he sometimes called me.
- You know, I don't think I've ever seen things about Max, serious and important things, which were there on full display. And I didn't want to see them because I've always been selfish and self-absorbed. I've always been that way with you, too. I've always looked after my own needs, and...
His hand closes on my wrist and squeezes; I stop talking for a moment and look at him, disturbed by his gesture. Pierre smiles at me sweetly.
- We've both been selfish, we've both done what we wanted. But we're improving as people and we're making up for it.
From here I connect with him and Yuki and how he's experiencing his relationship; I deliberately focus on them because I realize that continuing in that direction would have said too much and I don't know if I would have been able to. Or at least I don't know if I would have been able to hold back.
- Yuki is making me mature in a way I didn't expect, moreover he's making me strong because I want to be strong for him, who seems so delicate and almost fragile. Even though in reality I know he's very strong.
Pierre pauses for a moment and I don't know what to say, so he continues after thinking carefully about something.
- You know, Charlie, I think each of us actually goes through phases. And we all have the selfish phase where we're focused on ourselves and our own needs which we try to satisfy without considering others. But then, after that phase, inevitably comes the maturation phase. We open up to others, but not to everyone. I think it has to be the right people, or that phase will never kick in. So now we've just moved on to the next phase of our lives. Do you think that makes sense?
With that he turns toward me, still leaning back with his head; looks at me and gives a half-smile, embarrassed by the profound thing he's said. I smile back at him in a similar position, more lighthearted than before.
- Yes, I think that makes sense. And I think you're absolutely right. Maybe we've just moved on to the next phase.
We stare at each other for a moment, not really seeing each other, then I add: - I’m glad Yuki came into your life and that he's doing you such good. I really am, Pierre.
Pierre smiles back.
- I’m also happy that you've found in Max that person who can help you reach the state that will make you happy.
But I already am. I'm already happy. But maybe it's rude to tell him that.
I nod.
- And it's never too late to help someone. Maybe before you wouldn't have gotten anywhere and you never would have succeeded. Now that you're together, you can. Whatever it is what you need to do for him.
He doesn't ask me. He doesn't ask me what it is and I'm grateful for that. I think he doesn't really care because maybe deep down it bothers him that Max was the person I was waiting for, because he saw that I'm happy and that I'm fine.
It’ll always sting a little that it's not him, that we weren't right for each other in that sense, not as a couple, not to love each other in that way.
But everyone has their own dimension, friendship is ours.
I hope Max's and mine is something else, even if I don't even dare say it.
I don't dare, but I really hope so.”

/Max/

“'I'd like to tell Pierre about us, is that okay?'
I read his message perplexed, raising an eyebrow in a fucking expressive way.
How much the fuck did it cost him to ask me instead of simply informing me?
But since he's made this enormous effort, I reward him by not telling him ‘woe betide you if you do that’. I simply do as he does.
'I was just thinking about telling Daniel. It seems fair.'
Then I realize I didn't put a question mark on it, but I think in the end it's okay. The point is that if he goes out with Pierre, I go out with Daniel.
That's fair and he certainly can't deny it.
His 'okay' is worth more than a thousand tantrums he'll never throw at me because he's Charles, he thinks all sorts of things but he'll never say them unless I bring them out, the only one capable of bringing things out of him.
But for today it's okay.
Today we're doing this thing with Daniel. Regardless of him and Pierre, it's still right that I finally tell him about me and Charles because I don't think I've ever done it.
I don't know if he figured it out on his own; when I showed up at his house that night when I was in pieces for Charles, I didn't tell him anything about us or why I called him. I asked him questions about me and why he was with me, but I never mentioned Charles.
But now that we're actually together I have to tell him, first of all because I'll already have to go crazy hiding it from most of the world, at least at certain times I want to be able to relax.
I don't know how he'd react, probably with an overly exaggerated smile that hides his pain. But it's been a long time since we were together, he's probably over it, right?
We said we'd stay friends and we did everything necessary. After that time we fucked, nothing else happened and I care about him and our relationship. I've always cared and somehow I've always managed to maintain it, but if I want to continue, I think I have to be honest.
I wonder what the best way to do this is.
Should I sugarcoat it with some kind of sporting activity together? Should I just drop it off at home?
I think about it for a while before texting him, but then I get tired of thinking about it over and over like an idiot. There's no point, since no matter how I say it, it's definitely going to be hard for him, because I know him.
In his place I would have told myself to go to hell countless times, let alone remain friends. But he's not me and I can't pretend to understand how he thinks and feels. If we still want a relationship, I have to be honest at the very least with him.
'When are we meeting? I have something important to tell you!'
Daniel doesn't take long to answer, and he does it exactly as I expected.
'Now I'm curious, what do you have to tell me?'
I chuckle shaking my head and rolling my eyes.
‘Are you home? Should I go up now?’
We're all about to leave for vacation. We've all already spent a few days on the boat, limiting ourselves to local activities due to some remaining commitments for F1, but now the official green light has been given and we'll all be leaving between today and tomorrow, so today we were at home packing. It's a game of interlocking pieces. That's why I thought about it now, knowing that catching him and telling him in person was now or never.
‘Yes, I'm packing. Come on, I'm dying of curiosity!'
He makes laughing smiles and I imagine him doing it one of those forced smiles he gives me every now and then, with a melancholy behind the eyes; somehow they remind me of Charles's old smiles, even though he's getting better now. Dani doesn't. Dani's getting worse.
I wonder if I would have done better to cut ties with him altogether for his own good, instead of staying friends and therefore in touch.
But how could I? We're both in F1, we see each other constantly, it was obvious to stay in touch. I'm spontaneous and it's immediately obvious when something's wrong with me; I have subtitles, in fact I say it directly.
I sigh shaking my head, not at all sure of this choice, but I grab my phone and house keys and leave as I am, in slippers and half-emptying the suitcases I was packing for the Miami vacation with Kelly and P.
I wonder if we should also talk about Kelly and Charlotte, Charles and I.
As I get into the elevator and press the button for Daniel's floor, I ask myself this with the clear awareness that Charlotte isn't the same thing as Kelly is to me, but it's not something I can think about right now, also because I would first have to figure out what my intentions are in private. I'm getting there and I think it's pretty clear that I want to start a family; being with Kelly and P has made me realize that I want that.
But what does Charles want for himself, for his future, beyond racing and me, who's here now, but who knows for how long? He and I are so strange, it's hard to make plans, it's strange just that we've finally managed to get together.
The elevator stops almost immediately and the doors open, giving me a little shock.
I feel like someone is grabbing my stomach and trying to rip it out.
Am I doing the right thing?
Well, he'd know somehow. Besides, he's teammate at McLaren with that big-mouthed idiot Lando, so if not from me, he'll find out from him anyway, so I absolutely have to do it now.
He's had a tough year in F1, even though he won a race, but that's how it is with moving from one team to another. It's normal for him to struggle, right? Maybe this year will be better. It's just that since he left Red Bull—or rather, since things started falling apart between us—he's been steadily falling apart and I've always felt responsible for that, because I know how he is. Daniel is emotional and can't separate his private life from his professional one; that's just who he is. Daniel is heart, and that's his beauty.
I hesitate for a long time before knocking, even though he might be on the other side of this door, staring at me with serious, puzzled expression, waiting for me to finally announce myself. He's probably studying me to figure out what kind of news I have to give him, and he's probably realizing that he won't like it.
Don't tell me you still have feelings for me, Dani.
What happened to 'we're friends'?
It's just that even if I ended everything, he'd suffer more. What should I do with him?
I know I'm the cause of his sudden downfall; he lost his way and never got back to the level he was at at the beginning of Red Bull. I know perfectly well it's my fault and I had genuine feelings for him, too intense to simply ignore and do whatever the fuck I want. I can do that to anyone except him.
Finally I decide to knock and he opens the door immediately, a sign that he was truly there waiting for me.
The forced smile I imagined isn't there, and it really surprises me.
Either he already knows, or he's figured it out somehow.
- I thought you'd never make up your mind. - he says lingering for a moment at the door before letting me in. I look at him in surprise.
- Knocking?
He tilts his head with an unreadable expression, a hint of melancholy.
- Also, but not only that.
He knows. Somehow he knows. I don't know how, but he knows.
I bite my lip and try very hard to keep looking him straight in the eye, but I manage.
- Will you let me in, or should we talk here at the door?
But he doesn't seem inclined to move. He drums his fingers on the doorframe, biting the inside of his mouth, undecided.
- I have strange memories of when you suddenly burst into my house. - he says frankly, alluding to that night I jumped him. - After that, I was shitty. I don't know if I could face it again.
He's never been so direct and decisive, he's always been so accommodating with me. Whatever I wanted, he'd give it to me, he never argued, he never denied me anything. He's always been my safe haven.
But in the end, it was the one who always opposed me without any real reason, who made me lose my mind.
I'm selfish.
I'm a fucking selfish bastard.
That's the only truth.
I've always done whatever the fuck I wanted with Daniel and with everyone. Even with Kelly I'm doing it with the conviction that the world revolves around me, that I have a need and I'll solve it as I please, regardless of whether I'm deceiving or hurting others. Kelly is a person, just like Daniel. Good people. Don't they deserve something better?
Confusion rises in me, but I force myself to stay anchored to Daniel and the task I have at this moment.
- We’re not having sex. I came to tell you something I think you should hear from me, because you'll surely hear it soon, being Lando's teammate. - Daniel raises a skeptical, curious eyebrow and steps aside, realizing what it's about.
I finally cross the threshold, take a few steps into his apartment which I know all too well, and for a moment the ghosts of us fucking take shape before my eyes, but I snap out of it when he asks if I want a beer or something else.
I turn back to him and nod, accepting the beer.
Daniel disappears briefly into the kitchen and returns with two bottles, fresh and open.
- I don't have enough for a gin and tonic. - he apologizes with a forced smile, trying to ease the tension. The same one I imagined before.
He knows what I have to tell him; not in detail, but he knows.
I take the beer and watch him sit in the armchair, not close together but in ideal positions to look each other in the eye. He raises one foot and hugs his knee, while I remain seated, composed, a little tense.
I had a different idea when I told him I wanted us to remain friends, that time we broke up.
I thought he felt nothing more than affection, like me, and that any approach between us was torture.
I thought our dimension was friendship, that it was like that for both of us. But maybe I was wrong.
He remained inevitably in love with me. And I, knowing now, what should I do?
I’ll never turn my back on him. I never will.
I sunk him. I hurt him and threw him to the bottom where he is now.
He doesn't even have the joy of racing anymore, he doesn't enjoy doing what he always loved to do.
And I know, I know even if he'll never tell me so as not to hurt me. I know it's my fault.
- Charles and I got together.
In the end, I just say it.
What was I supposed to do? That's why I'm here. There's no point in sugarcoating a bitter pill by planning a day together to have fun, what good would it do? The result is this anyway.
I have to give him time to absorb the blow.
I scrutinize him to see his reaction; whether he knew it or not, but he doesn't seem very surprised.
- You’ve made up your mind, right? - when he says it, it's like he's slapping me.
- Did you know? - Daniel gives a polite smile and shrugs, drinking a little beer.
- I know you well, I realized you liked him. And I realized he liked you, too. I knew it was only a matter of time.
Shock washes over me; I didn't imagine he'd realized it, but obviously it's better this way. At least he doesn't fall out of the clouds and crash to the ground; he'll have had time to come to terms with it, to accept it, to process it.
Silence falls for a moment, which we fill with both of us drinking. It was easier to be together once. Once upon a time, everything was different; when did it change?
When Charles came back into my life as my future boyfriend.
It was inevitable. Maybe we were destined.
As I think about it now, the puzzle finally falls into place and I see everything clearly.
- It happened in Abu Dhabi, at the party… - I don't need to say much more.
- I knew it. I stopped by because you told me to come over. We had a drink together, but then you caught sight of Charles and started yelling like an idiot to get his attention. That's when I realized it was going to happen. In fact, I thought you were already together and I wondered when you'd finally tell me, but since I was starting to get drunk, I was afraid I'd mess things up and ruin your night. So I left.
I don't remember. I don't remember this detail, but as he tells me, my mind flashes back to him on that yacht.
- I was really drunk… - I apologize in what turns out to be the truth. He gives a nervous laugh and nods.
- I imagine so, don't worry. Thanks for the honesty. I appreciate it. And I'm glad; you've been hanging around for a while, right?
He's trying to say more than he'd like, and above all, he's trying to be honest, even though I don't think he's doing well.
But we have to get over it, Daniel. We have to find a way to get over this because we won't stop seeing each other as long as we're both racing in F1, and this will continue for a long time to come.
- Yes, for a while now, actually, but we're not easy people and it took us a while to understand it and make up our minds... - I try to talk about it without going into too much detail because I don't want to be cruel. He, on the other hand, forces himself to talk about it because he knows a friend does that.
- You're perfect together, you complement each other. You never filter what you say, he filters it too much! - he captures us perfectly in an instant and I laugh spontaneously, thinking he's right.
- But basically, we're two assholes, that's why we found each other in the end.
I realize that's enough. That I can't go. I finish my beer after him, who continues to fake a smile behind the urge to cry. How can you still love someone like me after so long?
I can see it in his face right now. I'm not one to be loved, I don't know how the hell he does it after all this time.
- Are you going to be okay? - I finally ask, without pretending to make useless speeches that I know would only hurt him.
He smiles melancholically without even pretending anymore. He sighs, bows his head and shrugs his shoulder.
- Of course. I'm fine already. - but he lies and he does it badly. I can't smile, I'm sorry.
- I want you to ask me whatever you need, I'll always be here for you, Dani. - but it's just my stupid conscience I'm trying to clear. A complete idiot.
I don't deserve him, but after reducing him like this, the least I can do is try to help him, even if I honestly don't know how. My intentions are good, but in reality I don't think I can really do anything for him.
Dani purses his lips, knowing and sad, thinking the same thing.
- I just want you not to shut me out. - he says, even though we both know that's exactly what hurts him so much.
But I nod sadly because I can't deny him anything, I can't. It's my fault he's like this, mine and my damned selfishness. I don't know how I can help him or if I ever will, but I'll never stop trying or being there.
I really hope you get better one day, Daniel. I really do."

NOTE: A necessary chapter, given that in the first part Pierre and Daniel were co-protagonists with Charles and Max, and now they remain important members of their lives. They’ll both have their own path, which will be hinted from time to time. 
The question of Charles's yachts. At that time (end 2021), he should still have had 'Monza,' the first yacht, the smaller one (where I hope there's the possibility of climbing on the bow and sunbathing). Only now do I realize that I don't know if what I wrote is plausible, since it's early December and I assume that when you spend a day on a boat, you usually stay in your area, which I don't think was very hot at that time. However, I didn't want to rewrite their entire part, so I just left it like that. I apologize for the unrealistic thing. See you next time. Kisses, Akane.