78. SEARCH FOR BALANCE

 /Max/

The sun is warming me and I'll probably get burned, given my cadaverous blond skin, but the gin and tonic in my hand mitigates the fuck I care, since the music my friend has selected is loud and drowns out our conversation, which we can have openly and without the fear of being heard or having to worry about Kelly, who, providentially, is busy with the little girl somewhere else on this enormous yacht kindly offered by Martin here with me. My friend, indeed. 
He sips another orange concoction whose name I didn't catch, and here we are, floating on the sea under the Miami sun, my brain—fogged by alcohol and probably suffering from sunstroke—that doesn't register many things. 
We're spending a few days together at the seaside on his yacht because he invited me, and since we're friends, I had no reason to refuse. Or rather, when I accepted in Abu Dhabi I didn't find any reason, then Charles' sharp look when I told him, made me realize there must be a reason, but by then I had already accepted and I didn't know what else to invent.  
While I'm talking to him about Charles, my mind flashes back, out of my control, to when I told him about my vacation plans. 

**

I tell him without thinking, completely on instinct. 
- For this vacation, we've decided for America, Miami specifically. We actually hadn't made any clear plans until Martin invited me over there on his yacht. The little girl loves the sea, so we decided to take advantage of it...
As I talk freely, uninhibited as ever about the personal things I love to share with Charles, the voice dies in my throat and the tongue knots as I notice his gaze, sharp as a knife's blade.
Yes, Charles has truly overcome his infamous old block. Now he expresses his feelings very well. At least with me, I don't know about others. 
- You’re not okay with that? - I ask cautiously. 
Charles was getting dressed and ready before we finally leave this yacht that has been our love nest for tonight. 
Then we'll leave and return to the others, to the lives we were leading before now, and I wonder what it’ll be like. But I'm just getting a taste of it now. 
- Why are you asking me if I'm okay with that? You just shared your vacation plans. 
The acidity almost eats away at me and I widen my eyes in disbelief. After that terrible look, Charles has gone back to staring at his shoes, which he's tying while sitting on the cabin chair. 
I bite my lip, halfway between happy and dazed. 
Now. I know Charles is jealous of me, he always has been, and has always tenderly shown it with more or less adorable scenes that have always driven me crazy, but now it's different. We weren't together before. 
I think I need to handle this differently than I did before. The realization hits me now on the spot, but it's too fast and I'm still too disheveled to think clearly and efficiently. 
I scratch the back of my neck, perplexed. 
- Well, you made a murderous face. - in the end I didn't come up with any strategies; it wouldn't be like me anyway.
He purses his lips bitterly feigning indifference terribly. You can actually see that he's being consumed from within. 
- No, it was my normal face. 
Okay, it's happening. This is our first near-fight. Or it would be if I were an asshole and handled it like shit. 
Come on, Max, be normal. Be normal. Be normal. Handle it well! 
- So it doesn't bother you that I spend part of the vacation with Martin on his yacht? 
Was I normal? Did I handle it well? Charles gives me another venomous, icy look. He stands up, adjusting his pants and shirt while looking at himself in the bathroom mirror, which he enters with the door open. 
I look at him, perplexed. 
- No, not at all. - he says dry and flat after a while, having also worked on his hair using a little water on his fingers. He's obsessive about his preparation; I've never had the pleasure of witnessing it. 
- Charles, last night he invited me to his place in Miami, and he even extended the invitation to friends and family, whoever I want to bring. Why should I say no?
- You don't have to. Go and have fun. - he replies hastily, continuing to stare hard at his absolutely perfect reflection in the mirror. I don't know how the hell he managed to resurrect himself like this after the night we had, and I don't even know what time it is right now, but he looks like a little spring flower. 
Except when he stops staring and turns to look at me as if I were nothing. 
- I just don't understand why you told me that. You have your plans before us. I have them too, what do you think? I've already planned all my vacations, first with the family, then with Charlotte and friends in the snow. So I don't know what you want. 
Oh my God. Is this what awaits me?
A constant, complete accountability? That is, before I plan and establish things with others in my life, will I have to talk to him and get his approval?
Is this what he wants from me? He's not telling me out loud, but I know full well that's what he's thinking. 
Then I realize. 
OH MY GOD! Look how well I read him now! 
I spent years misinterpreting him and going crazy over it, and now look how easy it is! 
I get up with a calmness that surprises me first, and with a condescending smile that I hope isn't too condescending otherwise all hell breaks loose, I approach him who, having found his phone, was about to head for the door. I intercept him, grabbing him by the waist and turning him toward me. I'm still barefoot and disheveled, definitely not as perfect and beautiful as him.
What a strange couple we are. 
- I told you because even though I had already planned everything because we weren't together yet, we’re a couple now and I want you to know everything I do and why. - Charles remains in a stubborn and wonderfully childish silence, staring at me with his icy eyes, the curve of his lips stubbornly hard and straight, tightly pressed and silent. 
I lean against him while still holding by the waist, bringing my face close to his as if I were about to kiss him, but I look at him softly. 
As I watch the reflection of his green eyes soften, I realize I'm happy with his attitude. 
I'm a psychopath: I’m happy with his first jealous boyfriend outburst and I realize it now, but apparently I'm not the only one. 
- I’m the lover, Max. And you're mine. There are other girlfriends, families and lives before us. You don't have to answer to me or make plans for me. We'll have to adapt to each other and to what's already there outside of us.
He reminds me, but really he's telling himself. 
This is what I just realized and it filled me with infinite joy. I know I'm a reckless lunatic, but that's just how I am. Instinct and madness. 
- I know we're the lovers and not the official couple, but I just realized that for me, you're my official partner. I spontaneously feel that way. Not Kelly's partner, but yours. That's why you're jealous. 
Charles tries to contain himself for a last moment, but finally releases himself with a sigh, rolling his eyes as he probably insults himself when he thinks I'm right. 
He looks back at me and returns the favor, placing his hands on my ass. As soon as I feel him touching me and pulling me possessively, as if to make things clear—who I belong to, for example—I relax and smile happily and serenely like an idiot, waiting for him to decide to close the remaining distance between our lips. 
- But we’ve to remember that we’re the lovers, let's not screw up our lives, Maxie. 
This nickname loosens me up and I nod, smiling sweetly, moving even closer. 
- Okay, Charlie, I'll give it my all. - but I don't know what I'm saying because I just want to kiss him, and he softens even more, smiles sweetly and closes the remaining distance by gently placing his lips on mine; he lets them stick together and fuse, then allows our tongues to meet and join halfway. 
It's going to be hard, damn hard, to remember that for everyone I'm Kelly's boyfriend and not Charles'. And I think it will be the same for him. 
That's what I just realized. 

**

And that's what I've been pestering Martin about all this time, ending up telling him about me and Charles almost immediately. 
Imagine if I could have kept it to myself. I desperately needed to tell someone, and he's a dear friend of mine. I trust him; he's one of the few people I trust to tell him about us. 
He wasn't very surprised, or rather he was at first, but it passed quickly because I must have already told him so much about him, that perhaps he, like everyone else I've told, was expecting it. 
- So the problem is that now I can't get my head around the fact that I'm Kelly's partner and not Charles'. That Charles is my lover. Is it absurd to feel solemnly committed to Charles and not Kelly? Justifying myself to him for what I do in my daily life, scheduling things around him... I mean, he's really the lover, right? Eventually, we should adapt to what our official lives are and not the other way around. We're the illegal, but for me everything's already in his function, you know? 
Martin smiles amused and perhaps even touched by how I look. I think like an idiot. 
- You’re shockingly in love! I've known you for a while now. Long enough to go on vacation together. But I've never seen you like this. 
It doesn't help me clear my head or feel better. I sigh and roll my eyes, preferring to drink more of my gin and tonic. 
- It’s a mess, Marty! Because now more than ever, I need to maintain control and, above all, a woman to cover for me! Apparently everyone noticed me and Charles before we even got together! Do you understand how much risk we have now that we're actually together? I need her, and anyway… - I pause, remembering the original conversation about Kelly, a conversation he preceded me. 
- You can even switch between many women; it's a good enough cover. - he then says matter-of-factly, reading my mind. And here I grimace deflating and stare into the cool glass; the ice cubes are almost melted now, while we remain standing here in this quiet, isolated and safe corner of his beautiful yacht, far away from Kelly, P, my mother, my sister, and the whole gang I brought along to make sure Charles wasn't too jealous. Originally, 
it was supposed to be just me, Kelly and the little girl, but then, thinking it would be too much of a family affair and would drive Charles crazy, I brought along my mother and sister. We were planning something together anyway, so I took advantage of it. They also love the sea, and my mother already sees Penelope as a step-niece and is crazy about her. 
- Yes, I know, but there's something else. Initially, I was looking for normality, and I found Kelly. I was fine, I loved her, the sex with her was fantastic and still is, I always have a great time, she understands me and knows how to not irritate me, which is not a given given my shitty personality.
God, I speak so well and fluently thanks to Gin and Tonic number I don't know, the warm Miami sun, the sea, a boat, some music and a good, trusted friend. 
Maybe I needed it. Martin nods, understanding what I'm saying. 
- But now you realize this family thing isn't so bad and you really want it, huh? 
I shrug, bowing my head as if admitting a grave sin. 
- Yeah, I... I don't know, I've never really thought about it, but now with her and P, I'm realizing that I like this family thing. Maybe because mine has always been a disaster and as a kid I feel like shit and never saw it as a refuge, something beautiful. I've never had a home base to return to in my entire life, only one to escape from. But now I think it would be nice to have a home base to return to, people to return to. You know, maybe even children to love, to be happy with. 
Martin listens to me as I talk freely and his expression is understanding and even sweet in his own way, sweet because I think he sees and understands what it's all about better than I do. 
- It’s normal, you don't have to be ashamed. It's the oldest need in the world. The need to belong and have something of your own, to leave a mark on the world, right? And then I don't think it's Kelly per se, but just the need for family. There might be someone else you'll be happy enough with and who'll make you want the same things, but now she's here and you think about it because she's perfect for that role. But it's not her per se, do you understand?
I nod melodramatically. 
He's obviously an artist; only an artist would understand something like that. But here comes the next question, the one that naturally saddens me. 
- Yes, I know. That's why I wonder... what exactly is Charles's place in all this? Because what I said before is true. For me, he's my true companion, and Kelly is a necessity. I… - my throat tightens and I have to drink the rest of the gin and tonic. Only after my throat burns do I manage to finish, without the courage to look at anything or anyone. 
Just by imagining his beautiful, perfect face smiling at me like he did when we said goodbye in Abu Dhabi. 
- I love him and I already know it. And I also know that he's the only one in my entire existence I've loved since I was born. So now I'm confused.
Martin smiles at me brotherly, his encouraging gaze comforting me as he tries to give me a perspective that makes me think. 
- I don't think you need to look for solutions because there’re no real problems to address, just different situations to deal with simultaneously. Instead, you need to figure out how to make these two different and very important worlds of yours coexist, where in each you experience a different but vital need. 
Love and belonging? Love and family? Love and affection? All scenarios where 'love' is always Charles, obviously. Without a doubt. 
Because ultimately, right now in my life, he's the one who matters more than anyone else, and I don't think it's a temporary thing that will pass one day and then I'll be left with the rest. I don't want it to pass. It shouldn't pass. Woe betide me if it did. I'd go crazy. I wouldn't want anything else, after all. Definitely. 
So yes, Marty's right. I just need to figure out how to make my two worlds coexist. 

*2022*
/Charles/

I never would have talked about this with Pierre; I wanted to spare it to him, but I still needed to talk to someone.
The unlucky one in this case is my faithful JoJo, as I call him, because of all the people who know about me and Max, he's the only one I'd confide in about certain things, and he knows me so well. So I'm taking advantage of the ski holidays with friends and girlfriends as usual, to find a moment to express what's been inside me these past few weeks, precisely since Max and I said goodbye.
Our getting together was sudden, so it's not like everything could be changed at the last minute now.
I never would have asked him, even though I realize I expected it and wanted it, but it struck me that he told me what his plans were, as if he had to answer to me for everything, as if I were the one in charge.
- We both consider ourselves the main couple, it's as if Kelly and Charlotte are the intruders between us, you know? We both already had other plans, the holidays were already organized, but knowing he was doing a family thing without me drove me crazy for a moment. And then when I saw the photos and videos of him with all of them without me, it really made me feel so shitty that my mother even got worried. I had to tell my brothers to reassure them.
Jo laughs, imagining their reactions.
- What did they say?
- They were a bit shocked because I'd never even told them I had tendencies. They've never known anything so personal about me, and it's the first time I've confided in them like this. And now I'm doing it about Max. Do you know what I mean?
Jo sighs while the sauna makes us sweat like hell, as if we were in one of those hot circuits that kill us. We purposely chose a moment when the others wanted to do something else, while I threw my usual tantrum, insisting on the spa at the hotel. Obviously, I undemocratically forced him to follow me and he immediately understood that I needed to talk.
If he doesn't understand, no one could. I don't think in the world there’s anyone who knows me better and whom I trust more, but despite this, I wait until I'm truly on edge before telling him anything.
- Max is different from everyone else, - he says without having to ask. That's right. I nod lying on the top step of the small Finnish sauna. Warm, welcoming, and above all, isolated.
The heat makes us bask, but I'm completely focused on the conversation and on Max and how I felt when I saw him go on vacation without me. He'll be with his friends now and I'm not there. And I went on vacation with my parents and he's not there.
- It's out of tune. He should be here with me. When I found myself asking him if he wanted me to talk to Pierre and he told me he also wanted to talk to Daniel, I felt like... I don't know… - I raise myself up on my elbow and lean over to look at him, him lying on the step below. A towel draped over our waists.
- As if I finally understood what a relationship means. Being with him. There! Doing something in his functions and not just like I've always done, because I wanted to following my whims and my own will. If he'd said no, I wouldn't have done it; I would have argued with him and made him understand that I had to. But even now I feel like his absence here with me is out of place. We should have rearranged our vacation so we can do something together, it irritates me his with Kelly or his friends or...
Jo starts laughing and I glare at him; seeing me like this as I lean over the step, he puts his hands over his face and laughs even louder and more brazenly, so much so that I throw my towel at him, leaving me completely naked.
- I don't understand what's making you laugh now! - I grumble.
- You’re possessive as hell! I don't know if Max understands what he's gotten himself into!
- Oh, come on, it's not just that! Yes, I am, but it's not that! The point is...
I stop and pause, realizing I don't really know.
But Jo apparently knows, which is why I wanted to talk to him.
- The point is, you're changing for him. Max now comes before many things in your life; he's one of your priorities. You want to be with him all the time, and that's normal in a new couple, but you're shocked because nothing has ever been a priority in your life outside of Formula 1 and winning.
- If he'd told me to cancel my vacation and reorganize it with him, I would have said absolutely no! In fact, I reminded him that we’re the lovers and that the world must not know about us!
- But that's what you wanted to do with all your heart. - he retorts firmly, without asking for opinions. He knows and he's right.
At this I simply sigh and lie back down on the hot wooden step; JoJo throws me my towel which I put on my groin. I look dramatically at the ceiling as if I were in a therapist's office and had just had the realization of a lifetime and didn't know what to do with it.
- Of course you remain rational, you always have a list of priorities that you know are important and must be respected, and you know what needs to be done, but your true impulse, your deepest self, is what you show him.
I understand where he's going with this, and it's absolutely true.
- I would never leave him! - I say this with a tragic and resigned air, as if it were something serious and bad, but he laughs, and as soon as he does, I feel like an idiot. Maybe it's not as bad as I think?
- I think you just have to find a balance, Charles. - his conclusion seems as obvious as it’s complex.
Balance, he says. As if it were easy.
- Why for once did you do what I told you and not on your own as usual? - my voice comes out a mix between a meow and an accusation, something I can't even define. It's just that I was delusional, for a change, and the chat with Jo didn't help me the way I'd hoped, because I feel like a big, remorseful idiot.
Balance, he told me at the end of all. Find your balance between Max and the rest of your life. But Max and I are perfect together precisely because we balance each other out. I'm reason, he's instinct. Since when does he start to please me?
Max is taken aback for a moment by my outburst and stalls for time before answering with an ‘Huh?' that makes me huff and puff as I toss and turn in bed nervously.
I should have rested after Andrea's grueling workout on the ice, but I started thinking about Max and in the end I couldn't help but call him, unable to take it anymore. I needed to hear his low, scratchy voice. It usually helps me feel better, but now maybe it's worse.
- Are you seriously asking me why I pleased you?
I huff and shove my face into the pillow, stifling a cry of frustration that I think comes out as a strange moan.
- Yeah, come on, you always do whatever the fuck you want, especially with me. Why haven't you done it now that we're together?
I realize that what I'm saying him makes little sense and that I'm literally throwing a tantrum like a spoiled prince, which I hate being, but since I've been with him this side of me has come out, a primal and honest side. I mean, with him I'm myself, I can't help but be 100% real. It's his fault. He's having this weird effect on me.
I feel like I'm going crazy here without him!
- What didn't I do that I should have done? - his voice is amused and suspiciously clear. Usually it came and went because he was on the other fucking side of the world, but now I'm so out of me that I only notice it with a tenth of my brain.
He's making fun of me, the asshole. But he's right.
- You didn't come to me, you didn't review your plans and you didn't expect me to do it! How is it possible that two people who get together don't do everything they can to see each other? We're such idiots... I don't intend to wait for the championship to see you, our relationship won't be just on the circuits, huh?
I think I'm crazy, that's roughly what I intended our relationship to be, and now I want exactly the opposite.
- You wanted me to come to you? But you would have yelled to me!
- Sure, but I would have loved to have you here anyway... I… - I sigh, realizing I'm out of my mind and roll over for the umpteenth time, staring at a dark ceiling, my cell phone held to my ear with two fingers. I can't take it anymore. I'm an idiot. I thought too much. I was too rational, but I expected him to be... well, HIM!
Why did he please me? Why?
- Charlie? - he calls worriedly, unable to hear me anymore. I let out a moan of exasperation and depression.
- I miss you, Maxie. Why didn't we revisit our vacation plans to see each other? Is there something wrong with us? I can't stop thinking we made a mistake. I mean, rationally I know it was the right thing to do, but I didn't want to and now... I don't know, I'm an idiot, that's it.
I think if I don't stop talking, I'll regret it terribly, but on the other hand I know I'm completely giving in to the most childish and stupid part of me just because I'm on the phone with him. Which, by the way, I think he's enjoying. I can't be sure because I'm not looking, but I think he's giggling, trying not to be heard.
What have you done to me, Max? What have you turned me into?"

NOTE: Let's see how they cope as a newly formed, distant couple. 
First of all, there's always the mental phase, which is always done separately, each with their respective trusted friends. 
Since there’re several photos of Max and Martin Garrix on vacation together, I wanted to take advantage of one of those times. I also know that Charles and Andrea have been going night climbing on glaciers for a while now as special training during their winter break, so that's another aspect of reality I wanted to take. I also know that he and Jo are longtime friends and that they hang out with the same group of friends. Another thing I used. 
I thought Charles was a bit of a contradiction in the sense that he rationalizes a lot, he's a great thinker, but at the same time he's adorably capricious and tends to be spoiled by those around him, while Max is the impulsive one who usually doesn't think things through, but in a case like this he'd end up drowning in a myriad of thoughts that would torture him. 
Since Kelly has always played an important role, as Alexandra will when she enters Charles' life, I wanted to delve deeper into the meaning she has in Max's life. (Of course, this is just a fictional story; I manipulate reality to fit my visions.)
Now that they've both reached the same conclusion feeling the same things, let's see if Max will be 'the usual Max' or if he'll disappoint a wonderfully capricious Charles. See you next time. Kisses, Akane.