9. BEYOND APPEARANCES

/Charles/

“Divine punishment comes in the form of arms that squeeze my neck, they are Pierre’s and his face is super happy.
I normally tolerate his hugs, but this time Pierre gave the best of himself, or maybe his worst since I can see a light at the end of the tunnel as he tightens, but it’s more the impact of the bodies slamming badly against each other that hurts.
The final blow is his high-pitched and shrill voice that pierces my eardrums, especially because the mouth with which he screams so happily is attached to my ear.
Thank goodness he kisses me on the cheek and in doing so he stops screaming, I didn’t even understand what the hell he said.
He had written to me that he was coming because he had to tell me something very important. Nothing was known, but I had imagined was on the F1 and when I find myself dying under him against my will, I can’t help but reciprocate the resigned and instinctive hug, while I drag him inside closing the door that slams because I can't do better.
I'm slowly losing my strength when luckily he lets go of me and takes my face in his hands, staying on me. His face in that moment is so happy and bright that it makes me smile even though I still haven't grasped the news that I think he's already shouted twenty times. This is called shock, it turns your brain off without letting you understand anything. Even knowing Pierre I didn't expect something like that and while I think 'now he's kissing me' - because he really looks like someone who doesn't know what he's doing because he's on autopilot, and I know Pierre at the height of joy, he's like me when I'm at the height of pain, we don't know what we're doing - I also think what I should do if he really did it.
Well, that time I kissed him because I was out of my mind and he patiently let me do it without even making me feel the weight of it afterwards, maybe I should indulge him to return the favor. A little kiss every now and then is not such a big deal. The shivers from what he shot in my ear still make the left side of my head shake.
- I'm signing for Red Bull for next year! I'll be Max's teammate! Daniel is moving to Renault!
I don't think he's as happy about this as he’s about the fact that he's moving from Toro Rosso to Red Bull, it's a great promotion and I understand how wonderful this news is, but absurdly while my face responds perfectly to my logical commands to show happiness for this fact, the deep and irrational part of me that sometimes comes out and I struggle to manage, transmits to me what I saw and that shocked me a few months ago during one of the GPs.
That scene between Max and Daniel engraved in my retinas and somehow struck me more than what is rationally considered normal.
I'm not a bigot, on the contrary. I don't even have discriminatory ideologies of any kind. I assume I'm bisexual and Pierre is gay, we kissed and I think that if we were to do it again there would be no problem.
No, it's not that they were two boys, but that they were Max and Daniel. Or rather, Max.

**

Baku is a traumatic race for me. This year it doesn't fall on my father's anniversary, but I was racing here last year when he passed away.
So even though it's not a year since he passed away, it's still the first race I've run without him being in this world anymore; my mood is dark and I'm particularly reserved. Pierre, Jo and Andrea understand this immediately and don't insist on dragging me around or burdening me with commitments and I'm grateful to them all for that, so they actually act as a filter between me and the others. I think Pierre says it in confidence to some of the drivers he's particularly close to, like maybe Stoffel, Esteban and Daniel - because who isn't close to Daniel? - but the others, those few unfortunates who look for me or who bump into me for some strange reason, I push away by dismissing them with a brief eloquent glance or a few polite phrases.
I live with memories that overwhelm me, although when I raced here last year I was as if hypnotized and didn't really know what was happening to me or what I was doing. I was as if in a dream, I did everything I had to, I spoke kindly, I even smiled and then I always raced at my best, hyper concentrated on the track and the car. I made almost no mistakes, it was a perfect weekend to say the least and considering my mental condition, I know that many didn't believe it and admired me for this. It's a characteristic that every Team Principal would like for their drivers. The ability to manage their emotions, put them aside, whatever they are, even the worst ones. Race even better under pressure.
In fact, these are things that came out in me even better last year.
I leave my room in the Motorhome after a good rest following FP3 and lunch, there’s still a tremendously forced silence around me, as if it were imposed by everyone in my team because they now know what day it is and if they want me to have a good race, they have to let me live this weekend as best I can.
I really appreciate their delicacy and acceptance of these difficult and delicate days, I can't complain, they treat me with extreme respect and any driver couldn't wish for better. However I reach a point, on this pre-qualifying Saturday, that I've had enough and I even have an extreme and absurd need for something. Something different from this caution and this attention.
I need a jolt or perhaps to be treated in an absolutely normal way. I thought I needed to isolate myself and now that it's happened I realize that's not what I needed.
I don't really know what I need, maybe someone's 'fuck you', I don't know; I start walking through the paddock which is generally particularly calm at this time of day, many are still having lunch and it’s still rest time in general, those who are already at work are on the other side, in the pits. Without having a precise idea of ​​where to go, I pass in front of several Motorhomes, but at a certain point a movement and some agitate voices attract my attention just beyond on making me stop instinctively. I look for the origin and immediately spot Max who’s coming out of the main door of their Red Bull mobile structure, he’s about to enter the paddock but Daniel appears behind and grabs him by the arm and stops him. The two remain there on the open threshold, neither outside nor inside, they’re clearly arguing. Max is furious, you can see, while Daniel is imploring. It must have made him angry even if, since it’s Max, I tend to imagine scenarios where he’s the one making the others angry.
I'm standing here next to the Motorhome near to theirs that from the pink that covers it I think is a Force India; at the moment for me it's just a useful shelter, I hope I don't get noticed so as not to disturb them.
I don't want to spy on them, in truth it's a scene that happens in an instant and it's too strange not to be watched. I don't do anything more or less than what others would do in my place.
I simply hear and see.
Daniel grabs Max by the arms and tries to pull him inside, but Max pulls to free himself and go away, he clearly says to let him go while Daniel insists on going back inside and continuing to talk about it.
- I'm not saying it will happen, but it could! - Daniel says trying to calm Max who doesn't want to listen reasons, shakes his head.
- If it happens it's only because you're fine with it! - he exclaims stubbornly. Daniel opens his eyes wide and puts his hands on his chest theatrically letting go, Max doesn't go away, he stays there in front of him combative and furious.
- But how can you think that these things depend on us drivers?
Max clenches his fists at his sides rigid and hard, his face seems carved in marble at this moment.
- But I know you, Daniel! You’re no longer happy here! You’re an open book, it’s impossible not to understand when you’re happy, now you’re not! Now you come out with 'maybe it’s my last season in Red Bull!' Do you think I’m an idiot?
Max speaks agitated and his reaction surprises me. Initially I wasn’t really surprised by their argument because I know how Max makes even the saints furious, but now that the situation is painted well, it shocks me. I’m about to leave to let them continue while I put the information of Daniel's probable departure from Red Bull in the things to tell Pierre immediately. Usually they draw from Toro Rosso for the drivers. He may have an opportunity.
I’m about to go to him to tell it, when another movement attracts my attention. I turn around and see Max slipping sideways between the two nearby Motorhomes that don't connect for a corridor that's a meter wide at most.
I stop because having perceived them coming after me I think they saw me, so I turn around and while I hear Daniel whisper something like: - You know it's not you... - I inevitably see them slip into that gap between the two mobile structures, one pink and the other dark blue with a red bull printed on it.
But even though I understand that they weren't running after me, I stop to stare stupidly because I see Daniel wrap Max in his arms and while he lets himself be hugged docile and bitter, even if probably still angry, the two kiss. While they do it they move going deeper into the narrow corridor so as to hide and I know that I should run away quickly, but I just can't; I remain here shocked staring completely exposed from my previous shelter.
It's like a fist hit me in the stomach and I don't understand why I feel this way. I can't even breathe. I remain planted staring at them with wide eyes and I know that I should run away, but I can't take my eyes off them.
Max is compliant and docile and it’s clear that for them those attitudes are normal.
Is this their real relationship, then? In an instant I think back to the impressions I had on how much Max had changed compared to when he raced in the lower categories and in particular with me in go-karts. I had thought that arriving in F1 and separating a little from his father had done him good, but in reality it was Daniel who did him good.
And now I understand how and why.
They are together!
But just as the shock grips me and hits me with an unheard of power burning me like crazy - and I don't know why I feel this way now in front of this revelation - Max frees himself from Daniel's arms and leaves the corridor of the two Motorhomes I suppose to go back inside theirs, but it’s here that he inevitably notices my presence and sprints quickly like a guard dog that spots an intruder. I remain paralyzed, I don't think I can control my expression well which for all the other days has been particularly depressed. Now however I feel alive, more alive than ever. And reborn, somehow, even if in the worst way.
Max's face gets frighteningly close to mine, he grabs me by the collar of the Sauber t-shirt I'm wearing and tugs me dangerously close.
I remain still, rigid, my arms at my sides, no immediate reaction, but the adrenaline is flowing, my heart is beating crazy and my head is off. My head doesn't work anymore.
- If you say something around I'll destroy you Leclerc!
He calls me by my last name, it's the first time he's done it because we've known each other since we were kids and I know perfectly well that he does it to threaten and distance me. At this moment I understand that the non-relationship that existed between us until now is about to become disastrous and I'm sorry about that.
It's like a slap that follows that punch.
I'm sorry, I don't want everything between us to be ruined. I don't want to. Even if in reality it was nothing.
I raise my hands and calm him down without changing my expression even a little. Maybe I can still control myself. Maybe my face still responds to my orders.
- But what do you think I should care about what you do?
My response is more distant and irritating than I wanted, but he reacted really badly so I have to say that he deserved even worse.
Daniel appears from behind and pulls him away.
- Come on Max, are you crazy? It's Charles, not a stranger! - tries to calm him down, but his hands are still gripping my collar, burning me. It doesn’t hurt, but it still burns. Maybe it’s not what he’s doing to me that burns, but what I saw. It somehow digs in.
- Exactly, I know what this guy is like!
But at this point I react angrily and with a sharp flick of the wrist I remove his hand from me, then with icy hardness I respond, staring him straight in the eyes, passing him from side to side: - But cut it, you don’t know shit about me!
- Fuck you, Charles! - he replies as if it makes sense.
- Fuck you, Max! - I reply, descending to his pathetic level.
Then I shake my head and walk away.
Go to hell, Max. How dare you make me this stupid?
As I walk away, however, I realize that I have just been reborn. The heat vibrates in my veins along with the adrenaline and vitality. I’m certainly not happy about what happened, but finally I’m not walking like a ghost in a dream. Finally I’m back in the world and I can face the qualifications and the race tomorrow as I should. Finally I am well.

**

That Sunday, I went from 13th to sixth while Max and Daniel had an accident between them and dropped out of the race. He brought me back to life somehow, his “fuck you,” his jerk, but above all that revelation.
It struck me, the scene dug deep into me and I thought about it long and insistently in the days and months that followed. I stared at them, I scrutinized them trying not to be noticed. I don’t know why, I couldn’t get them out of my head.
Max was gay or at least he was with another boy, with Daniel. Him. Of all the guys on the circuit, I would have never said him. Not even Daniel if I have to be honest, but Max struck me the most.
Then I clarified with Daniel and calmly told him that even if Max doesn’t believe it, I’m not an asshole and I have no problem with that kind of situation. Everyone can be what they want and have the relationships they want, so in the end he thanked me and acted as usual like a good and nice person. He tried to explain the situation to me a little without going into the details of their relationship. He said that things weren't working at Red Bull anymore and he didn't feel good there and that they would probably fire him at the end of the season anyway, so he had to look around and evaluate his situation with clarity.
He didn't have to explain it to me, I told him that he had to do what was best for himself and his career.
I remember that conversation well, but we didn't mention Max at all.
Pierre's smiling face overlaps again and luckily he doesn't kiss me. I don't know why, but I feel like it would have been a bad kiss, wrong in some way.
As I think back to Max making out with Daniel, I realize that you don't really know anything about someone until you delve into their world, until you go beyond the threshold of the surface. Appearances can be deceiving.
Max was born to amaze, I understood that from the first moment I saw him as a child. I wasn't wrong about that. I think he’ll continue to amaze me for the rest of my life.
I never told Pierre about Max and Daniel, I don't know why I never did. I trust Pierre blindly, he's like an extension of me, he's the only one I tolerate next to me when I have my moments, he's the only one who knows how to deal with me. Even though that day it was Max who helped me get out of that hallucinatory state I was in.
Daniel clearly helped Max to calm down and humanize himself.
I watched him in the first months of the season and I saw him laughing and joking with other drivers, he was happy, sociable, a completely different person. I wanted to get to know him better and go deeper, to delve deeper into that new Max. Make friends with him. I had never wanted to.
There are those who are attracted and fall in love with the person, not the gender, I think Max is one of them, more than gay, but who knows? I think maybe I’m one of them, but I don't know myself well enough to say.
Actually I only felt something for Jules. When I kissed Pierre I was out of my mind, but I somehow understood that it wasn't our dimension. Although before if he had done it I wouldn't have pushed him away, I just didn't want to. Instinctively I didn't want to and I thought back to Max and Daniel at the time I discovered them.
My head is playing strange games.
Max will be out of his mind, he’ll surely take it badly, because he always takes everything badly, he’s always exaggerated and I doubt that in this he has ever changed.
He always takes everything in the wrong way.
Surely they’ll fight again, he’ll crucify him and maybe they’ll even break up.
Suddenly the idea of ​​Max and Daniel breaking up digs in like that kiss that day.
It digs in and sticks in my brain, but I don't understand what I should do with this obsessive thought that now seems to be in vogue in my head that continues to play strange games on me.
And even if they break up? It was obvious that it would happen, how can you stay with Max? Not even a Saint could do it for too long!
Poor Daniel, I feel sorry for him, he’s surely going through a bad time and that idiot will not help him because he’ll act the wounded selfish.
You'll see.
Well, I’ll pick up the pieces.
I stop while I’m making a coffee to a machine gun named Pierre who speaks in bursts explaining to me how the best phone call of his life went.
Pick up the pieces of who and in what sense, Charles? Are you crazy?
Well, the pieces in the sense of competitions. They’ll certainly drive badly and I’ll have to take advantage. What else did I mean?
Besides, these are hot days, I know that Ferrari is evaluating what to do with Kimi whose contract expires next year. Kimi is a great driver and he also won the last world championship for Ferrari, but he’s still of a certain age and I’m the one most supported by the Scuderia. Dreaming is legitimate, right?
My heart starts beating crazy at the idea and I’m distracted from both the coffee and Max.
Dad, Jules, has that moment really come?

Coming back from a month of vacation is a bit traumatic, especially given all the changes that have just happened in the teams.
Well, two in fact.
Daniel in Renault and Pierre in Red Bull.
It’s passed off as Daniel's choice and there are plenty of rumors around the circuit, some believe it and some don't, but Daniel confirmed to the media on Thursday by saying that it was his choice. In fact, however, the months preceding this 'choice' were increasingly difficult and it was clear that he was struggling in the team, so let's say that it’s true that he wanted it, but he also received a good push.
- Red Bull aims for Max as their first driver. They took him so early to raise him as they wanted, shaping his talent. Now Max is almost ready and they don't need Daniel anymore. Who would be there knowing they have become second driver? Especially second to Mad Max! In short, Daniel is right to leave, but he wouldn't have done it if hadn't been for him!
Esteban explains what the rumours currently circulating about this situation consist of and he does so without mincing words or being afraid to say it; not that he thinks it directly, probably no one thinks anything special about it. Maybe not everyone likes Max, that's true, but many things cannot be known. Many are internal situations at Red Bull.
We’re among a certain number of people, all sitting in the conference room for the usual Friday evening drivers' meeting, but he had no problem explaining the situation 'according to what is being said around'.
I, for my part, don’t say a word, I simply listen.
In addition to Daniel and Pierre, there are other changes, Carlos will join Renault and Fernando will leave F1, news that shocks everyone a bit, even if perhaps it was in the air a bit.
So people talk about this and Daniel, some express opinions on Pierre's move to Red Bull alongside the increasingly cumbersome Max, some others are concerned for the same reason.
They say that Pierre is too good and young to handle the pressure of Red Bull and the fact that Max managed to do it is not normal.
It’s true, Max is not to be taken as a parameter because it burns me to admit it, but no one knows better than me how gifted he is in many aspects and mental first of all.
The memory of how his father scolded him when things went badly, lights up in my brain while everyone more or less talks about these things in these days of the championship restart.
I’m careful not to express an opinion, I keep quiet and listen knowing that Daniel was suffering from the situation and that he made a clear choice for his own good, but I also know that if he had not been forced by the circumstances he wouldn’t have left on his own initiative.
In short, Esteban is not wrong in saying that if it hadn’t been for Max, Daniel wouldn’t have left, but the situation is more complicated than that.
- But then maybe they don't even get along with each other... I remember that accident in April... - says someone else.
If Max hears them I really want to see how he reacts.
As if my thoughts had evoked him, I turn around and see Max passing by right now to go and sit in front with the other Red Bull drivers who have already arrived.
He gives me a fiery look but strangely pretends not to have heard and doesn't comment, perhaps because there are others from his team and he wants to avoid a scene, he knows how to hold back perfectly, if he wants to.
Everyone falls silent and doesn't say anything else, turning around waiting for the briefing to start.
I don't know what to think, I stare at the back of Max's head next to Daniel's with intensity. Even though I know a little more than them, I can't make a judgement.
But it's true, I'm worried about Pierre. The Red Bull environment is an unhealthy and shark-filled environment and I'm not sure it's right for him.
Max is making it, but not without difficulty, in fact the nicknames for him aren't very nice, but in the end he's climbing the ladder. I mean, in one way or another he has dethroned the first driver. I know he didn't do it on purpose, I remember how angry he was that day at the idea of ​​him leaving. Now knowing that everyone thinks he's the one to blame and that they even say that the drivers didn't get along will drive him crazy.
I'm sorry, honestly, and I wouldn't want him to think that I agree with them. Well, not entirely. Suddenly his opinion of me matters, or rather it matters that doesn't worsen the already disastrous he has towards me. Maybe it's better if I tell him something afterwards.
Anyway, the fact that Max is making it in Red Bull doesn't mean it's easy. It just means that in his life he's had to deal with sharks worse than Red Bull, that's why he's fine there. He swims in his own sea. A shark among sharks. Small and just starting out, but a shark he is. I know him well enough to be able to say that.
I glance at Pierre next to me who’s still a ray of sunshine at the idea of ​​the promotion and I give him a brief smile as he shines one of his lights on me. I really hope everything is going well for him.

You don't feel anything except adrenaline. When you're about to risk your life more than other times, you don't feel anything different.
It's the same sense of danger as always, the one you're used to, the one you're even starting to become addicted to. You would never give it up.
So you're charged and tense, but in a positive sense. You can't wait for the traffic lights to go out and to start.
It's the only thing you think about.
Those traffic lights, the engines and the pedals. You don't think about anything. Your mind goes blank and you go on autopilot knowing perfectly well what you have to pay attention to at the start. There’re so many things you have to think about, especially if you start from behind. So you can't make a mistake, you can't get lost, you have to stay focused and do everything exactly and precisely.
So you go and you don't realize it, when you risk your life.
You don't realize that the impact that is pushing you off the track is making you risk your life. You don't know that someone would have taken your life.
At the moment you don't feel anything except your heart rate accelerating, but you don't breathe, you don't think about anything, absolutely nothing except holding the car as much as you can trying to get back into the race, because that's the first thing they teach you when you switch to single-seaters.
If you go off the track, try to keep control and get back in while paying attention to the others.
That's what you try to do, because when you're in the car and the race has started, you don't think. You just act and it's all just instinct.
I didn't even notice Fernando's car literally passing over my head.
I just understood that they had pushed me off and that I couldn't get the car back into the race, that it was over there, on lap zero, I didn't even do a full one.
Damn! I got pissed off, I remember that. Even now when I think about it I boil because I didn't go out because it was my fault, the accident wasn't caused by me, I didn't have anything to do with it, but it was my race that was ruined. Only now, when I look at the car once it’s brought back to the garage, do I realize it.
The halo is completely damaged due to the impact with Fernando's tires. In the replay that the team is watching over and over, you can clearly see how he walked over me, but it's not the images that freeze me and make me almost bend to my knees.
It's the sight of the halo almost broken.
If it hadn't been for that, in those conditions, if not worse, there would have been my head with the helmet.
Like a punch in the stomach I think back to Jules, this halo was introduced mandatory this year precisely as a safety measure designed following his fatal accident.
It has received a lot of criticism because it’s uncomfortable for the driver and changes the aesthetics of the car, but in the end it turned out to be the best choice and it was included.
Until today everyone was against it, everyone. Even me. It's bad to drive with a vertical bar in front of your face.
Yet my eyes are burning, right now, but I open and close quickly to control this stupid desire to cry, I squeeze, I breathe deeply holding myself back, imploding and hiding.
Without this halo, I would have reached Jules, today. Jules and my father.
But I know it's early, I haven't fulfilled any of my promises yet.
I haven't moved to Ferrari, I haven't won a GP or a championship. I'm still nobody except Bianchi's friend, a prodigy who hasn't shown anything except how to die well on the track.
But no, not today. I’m not dead yet. Thanks to Jules who protected me, in a way. The way he’s always protected me.
I exit the garage through the back, I raise my eyes to the sky, they still burn but I manage to hold back the tears. I walk and hop trying to regain the use of my legs too. For a moment I thought about kneeling down, but I’m still here, straight, standing, with my eyes towards the sky.
Thank you Jules. I won’t let you down.”

NOTES: In Baku 2018 Daniel and Max really had an accident on the track and collided with each other, but obviously I made up the argument.
I tried to trace the Red Bull Motorhome from that period and I think that's what I put in the photo, in any case it was just to get an idea of ​​the scene that Charles witnessed. I don't know if the paddock was really quiet in that period of time and if two people could let themselves go to such an intimate moment, even though they had partially hidden themselves anyway, but I wanted to do it because Charles clearly had to catch them, it's one of the things I've always imagined in their dynamic. Charles absolutely had to catch them and Max absolutely had to react badly.
In August 2018 the switch between Daniel and Pierre was made official, honestly I don't know when Pierre actually discovered it, but he had to react that way anyway, there was no choice in my head.
In Belgium 2018 Charles really had that brutal accident from which he came out unharmed only thanks to the famous halo, I remember when he spoke about it in front of the media at the time and I was struck by his calm, almost as if he hadn't been affected much, this and other episodes pushed me to characterize him as I did in the fic. I think that especially at the beginning of his career in F1 he was very closed and rigid, in the sense that he lived everything inside himself, while externally he always showed an almost unreal calm, in some cases. He’s certainly one of the people who struck me the most among the many RPFs I have written, he’s very particular and multifaceted.
Thanks to those who read the fic and comment, I’m very happy to know that they like it. Little by little things get more interesting. See you next time. Kisses Akane